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The story of ferret leggers

By Matthew Visser

ow before you start to think
| \ | “Ferret legging? What is

this guy writing about?”—
hear me out. Ferret legging is a
sport—complete with competitions
and awards—where you tie rope
around the bottom of your pant
legs, stuff an angry, blood-thirsty
ferret down your pants, strap your
belt on as tight as it can go, and
hold on for your, well, you know,
dear life.

Ferrets have been hunted in
England for centuries. In the United
States, ferrets have been used to
catch rats that at times are twice the
size as them. They have teeth that
have been said to be as sharp as a
piranha, the flexibility of a snake,
and the jaw strength of a pit bull.

One man who has become
known as the “king of ferret-
Legging” is Reg Mellor, a 72-year-
old man who took up the sport
because he read that “the world
record was 60 seconds. Sixty
seconds? I can stick a ferret up me

ass longer than that.” Mellor now
holds the world record, standing
with not one but two ferrets down
his pants for five hours and 26
minutes.

If the option came to me to
partake in ferret legging, I would
pass. At the age of 22, I can think of
better things to do with my time.
Maybe at 72 I will think back and

try this sport, but not night now.
In fact, Mellor has decided to retire
from the sport that has made him
famous. He says it’s time to try and
spread the word more around about
ferret legging.

“Ay lad, no jock straps allowed.
No underpants-nothin’ whatever.
And it’s no goof with tight trousers,
mind ye. Little bah-stards have t be

 

able to move around inside there
from ankle to ankle.”

Why would anyone try and
take part in the zany sport, let alone
stand there for more than five hours
with two ferrets down his pants
doing everything in their power to
get out? Well. Mellor says he can
take the bits and scratches because
“Tam just a too disillusioned.”

 

Oh Henry!

The return of Thierry

 

|
By Eric Wilkins, Staff Writer

departed his beloved Arsenal

for Barcelona. Two years later, in
July of 2009, he made a move across
the pond to the New York Red
Bulls. Now, in January of 2012, the
man behind the infamous Hand of
Gaul incident is back in a Gunners’
kit. The 34-year-old has enjoyed
varying levels of success since
leaving the London-based club, but
20

[: June of 2007, Thierry Henry

has never truly recaptured the form
that made him an Arsenal legend.
The all-time leading goal scorer
for the club could not have returned
at a better time since Gervinho
and Marouane Chamakh are off to
the African Cup of Nations. The
adoring fan base has greeted the
two-month loan move with open
arms, and are no doubt expecting
him to rekindle some of the magic
he used to weave on the pitch.
Assuming the Frenchman can

 

find any sort of form, he will be

an instant improvement for the
Gunners’ front line, which, outside
of Robin van Persie, has been
extremely lacklustre this season.

In another move involving a
mildly well-known MLS figure,
David Beckham has turned down
Paris Saint-Germain’s offer to play
in France. Despite the incredible
salary offered of £12.5 million
(approximately $19.4 million), and
an opportunity to be the centrepiece

of another club on the rise,
Beckham looks to be staying put in
the USA with the LA Galaxy. The
decision to pass on the PSG move
is reportedly a family-oriented
choice by the Englishman. With his
young family now in the States for
five years, he felt it would be too
much to ask them to uproot and
make new digs in France. One has
to think that the fact that the Galaxy
are fresh off of a championship
season helped Becks in reaching his
verdict too.

Keeping with the MLS-related
theme, Landon Donovan is making
his second loan move to Everton.
The American number 10 was a big
hit at Goodison Park two years ago,
and looks set to play a key role for
the Toffees this time about as well.
The mercurial winger / striker began
to shake his ‘bust’ label in Europe
several years ago during his time at
Bayern Munich, and should solidify
his place as a star player with this
latest opportunity. He joins fellow
American Tim Howard (who
became the 4 goalie in Premier
League history to score a goal last
week) at the club and bolsters
the steadily growing American
contingent overseas.

And if all that MLS news isn’t
enough for you... Robbie Keane is
rumoured to be on the verge of a
loan deal with Aston Villa.