baa 6

THE OTHER IERCPRESS

___ Wednesday dnesday April 11th, 1984

 

 

 

The Book says

ard The Beak i is the Toth /

DODGER BOWLEGS: Stuffs his
pants with socks. Wears sunglasses
to bed. Speaks with a Valley Girl
accent due to severe brain damage

and a hormone imbalance. Keeps.

his liver at home in a jar.
Favorite Pastimes:

used condoms.

Favorite Motto: | have three drinks,’
all color coded. One for me, and one
for each side of my brain.

MR. CROWING HEARTY: Has the
ability to talk out of both sides of his
mouth. Counteracts gravity by
hanging from his suspenders.
Wants to make it with Jane Fonda.
Favorite. Motto: That’s the most
sexist, remark that I’ve ever ‘heard
from a fag -in my life.

STALWART SIMPLETON: Was a
_ Thalidimide baby. Has been cir-
cumcised with a food processor. Is
currently a member of the F.L.Q.
Thinks Pierre Berton is a swell guy.
Favorite Pastime: Slug Wrestling.
Favorite Motto: |’d like to challenge
quorum.

SAINT VALENTINE’S DAY |= KID:
Successfully managed to massacre
every finger on his hands and every
photo in the newspaper, with his
Van Gogh renditions of art. Uses
silicon base, lead spray to keep his
hair in place, in case of Nuclear
attack.

Favorite Motto: Aaahhhhhhh!

—

 

 

‘Howling at the|
moon and making sausages out of

 

MARE PALFREY: Voted biggest
mammary glands by the 4-H club.
Abuses herself to get sympathy.
Checks herself into the Marines
every weekend. Arrested for sexual-
ly assaulting a German Shepherd.

Favorite Pastimes: Turning down
marriage proposals (and other pro-
posals) from Other Press Staff
members. Likes to run away to
Ottawa as fast as she can.

Favorite Motto: I’m never eoming
back!"

MUTE TENER: The autistic voice —

on the newspaper.
Favorite Motto:

’ DAMNED STILLBORN:

Survived the test tube, the miscar-
riage, and a frontal lobotomy perfor-
med with an exacto knife. World
renowned specialist on the mating
habits of flounder. Has been on the
staff too long.Becomes one with the
floor, in the true Bhuddist sense,
quite frequently.

Favorite Motto: The male comes up
and goes squirt all over.

THE GOOSE:Kinsella might be one
hell of a fella, but you’re not. Walks
in ‘‘V’’ formation.

Favorite Motto: Honk.

The Recents of Malice

THE PARSNIPS PROJECT: Drinks
after-shave for the stone. Sleeps
with a teddy bear that bites. Thinks
the Big Bang Theory is a chapter in

 

 

ROCKIN ROBIN: Is an LSD experi-
ment. Has declared herself existen-
tial and undefined. Gets off on
buses. Thinks life is neat, but is
afraid to breathe. Her parents wrap
her lunch in road maps.

Favorite Pastimes: Hiking, typeset-
ting and dissection.

Favorite Motto:You should have
seen the blood.

 

 

  

‘Bacavee it fells me sof

 

 

 

 

BWANA MAE F——-—: Androgen-
ous to the tits. Writes for the O.P.
with the same instrument she uses
to remove boils. Possesses .calves
most men envy and is a mean
drunk. Works as a taste tester in a
Urology lab. Buys fiberglass tam-
pons.

Favorite Motto: If you want to sleep
with me, just sav so.

FLAT-AS-A-BOARDY: Wears con-
tact lens on his breasts. Recently
learned to swallow.

Favorite Motto: I’m just a white
punk on dope.

 

BUDDING FACE: Runs _ around!
looking under men’s kilts. Dates
girls with lisps and support hose.
Wears psychedelic runners to pre-'
tend he’s a hippie. —

Favorite Pastime: Playing bagpipes.
to hyperventilate.

Favorite Motto: 1 only suck pus’
because it’s nutritious.

LEANIN’ IAN: Discovered by scien-
tists to be the first person to walk
while in a coma. So twisted ‘he has
to screw his clothes on. Plugs
urinals.

Favorite Pastime: Feeding pork to
starving Jews. - :

Favorite Motto: ‘‘Who is Little
Sister and what is she ‘doing with
my underwear.’’

CARL SLIP-SLIP-OF-THE-TONGUE
Kisses. horribly. Has plaque on his
teeth and furballs in his nostrils.

Favorite Motto: Ever done it, in a

- hanging chair?

    
   
 

there

 

the Book is all
Tve ever known-—
fore, oY eust

be So!

Live seen
nothing that

 

the Kama-Sutra. Tortures himself
for enlightenment. Was arrested for
imitating a Homo-Sapien.

Favorite Motto: I’m using this 3-D
model to represent the inner-self.

TROLL PAGAN:
Eats dead babies for breakfast and
brushes his teeth with Brillo pads.
Maybe someday.he will discover the
joys of mind altering drugs and
Webster’s Dictionary.

Favorite Motto: I’m just a teenage

pot roast in the cosmic microwave
of life.

EAR-NEST: Should have been: 20 | in,
the 50’s. Goes to school on a
scholarship from Brylcreem. Gets
off on self-flagellation and does
penance by coming to Douglas.
Thinks Alligators grow on shirts:
Beats up Hari Krishnas on street
corners.

Favorite Motto: Don’t call me Ernie.

BUFFALO NICCKELS: Molests Boy
Scouts in swimming pools. Cheated
on her 1.Q. test. Performs bestial
perversion on Dolphins for immoral
porpoises.

Favorite Motto: What can | say? My —

pet rock rejected me!

RANDY MCFILLIN: Has _ tread-
marks on her tongue. Auditioned for
the part of E.T. and got it. Dresses
as Little Orphan Annie and. turns
tricks on Davie St.

Favorite Motto: Don’t call me Little
Goodie Two Shoes!

MELLOW MARTIN HEMORRHOID
BAD M.F.

Subscribes to the joke of the month
club, consumes large amounts of
Valium and Preparation H. Plans to
have his nose flattened.

Favorite Pastime: Pretending he’ s
black.

Favorite motto:‘’The impotence of

being ernest.”’

   
 

 

eo tts