Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor 210 Local man denounces astrology, has lucky basketball jersey > ‘Yeah, I’m a Taurus. So, what?’ «€ Astrology is a load of shit,” William Callahan told press while wearing his stained, ripped Golden State Warriors jersey that he deemed “lucky.” “Anybody who believes in it is stupid and probably a woman.” Ina bold move that nobody asked for, Callahan, basketball superfan, held a press conference last Tuesday to renounce all astrology as “fake and dumb.’ Astrology, the study of the movement and positions of celestial bodies, has been studied since around 2,000 BCE. Ancient astrologers used the stars and planets in the solar system to predict significant events and seasonal weather patterns, a practice Callahan referred to as “completely brainless.” “T would never rely on something as dumb and arbitrary as the highly visible moons and planets around me to define my fate,” Callahan said, his mouth dusted ax with crumbs from a bag of Fritos. “People should believe in something real, like how my jersey is gonna help the Warriors go all the way this season.” Callahan’s jersey, covered in an unidentified sauce on one sleeve and something oddly neon on the other, was the very same jersey that he claimed propelled the Oakland team to victory in 2015. “I was wearing it at Big Bad John’s Sports Bar and Grill,” Callahan announced to press, visibly spitting on them as he talked. “I ordered my classic ‘lucky’ order, two pounds of John’s Nitro Heat Blast Wings and a side order of nacho cheese to dunk them in. I don’t shower for a week prior to the big game. I start drinking at exactly 7 am. I’ve perfected this ritual over the years and I’m confident it'll help us this season.” Astrology has gained popularity over the years, culminating into worldwide interest. Many people, like local astrology buff Amanda Lowe, find astrology to be Weekly horoscopes Have an idea for a story? M humour@theotherpress.ca both a fun and entertaining hobby. “T love astrology,” Lowe told reporters. “T’ve always had an interest in outer space. Tl admit I don’t know a lot, but I enjoy doing my own research and talking to others who know more than me. I’m not going to make a career out of it or anything, but it’s so cool to think about my place in the universe. I’ve met a lot of friends through message boards. Plus honestly it’s just plain fun!” “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life,” Callahan said after hearing Lowe’s remarks from a member of » Sagittarius season is finally here! e Horoscopes ¢ Woman self-cares to death ¢ Local action film fights for length ..and more! Photo illustration by Lauren Kelly the press. “Are you kidding me? Believing ina giant crab in the sky? What’s next, thinking the gravitational pull of the moon affects anything on Earth? What an absolute crock of shit. Mark my words, those hippies are dumb enough to believe in just about anything.” Callahan paused here to eat a drumette. When asked about the possibility of the Golden State Warriors losing the season, Callahan scoffed. “How could they lose? I’m wearing my lucky jersey, aren’t I?” Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor ARIES (March 21 — April 20) Be wary of the intentions of others! Have you been listening closely to someone's advice? Now is the time to retain your own autonomy and think for yourself. With this burst of self- confidence, new avenues for work and pleasure will soon follow. TAURUS (April 21 - May 21) The full moon in Gemini makes it hard for you to bite your tongue, Taurus! The question you've been burning to ask finally makes its way to the forefront of your mind. Be careful of your approaches to discussion. Is there a way to phrase things in a careful manner? GEMIN| (May 22 — June 22) As the sun flows into Sagittarius—your complimentary sign— youll feel a palpable attraction to others. Now is the time to forge new connections, business-related or otherwise. Keep an open mind and enjoy your time in the limelight! CANCER (June 22 - July 23) Uh-oh! Have you been talking a big game, Cancer? Make sure you have the facts to back it up. Before stating your opinion, take the time to try and see every side of the issue. Don’t let impulsiveness win, although it might be tempting. Remember, patience is a virtue! (July 24 - Aug 23) Love is in the air for Leos! As we move into the house of your fellow fire sign, Sagittarius, passion burns red- hot. Best to make your declarations of love in a typical Leo manner—go big or go home! & ViRGCO (Aug 24 — Sept 23) Have you been locking horns with others lately? Classmates, family members, significant others—no one has escaped your wrath! Your sensitive side will make a comeback midweek and make you reflect on your actions. Try reaching out to someone you've spurned in the past—they'll appreciate it. LIBRA (Sept 24 — Oct 23) Look up, Libra! Have you been wanting to expand your social circle? Try taking a break from all the things others are doing on social media. Instead, try doing things yourself. Check out a show or a band that sounds interesting or say yes to an event that’s not typically “your scene.” You might enjoy it! ‘SCORPIO (Oct 24 — Nov 22) Is it just me, or does everything look so good lately? Material things have really been catching your eye this last little while! Fair warning—it'll get worse as the holidays come closer. Resist your urge to spend by making a DIY gift fora friend or making an online wish list. ri - i A SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 — Dec 21) Talking and connecting with people is a classic Sagittarius pastime. It’s no surprise that people love you—you're naturally charming! However, some may take your warmth and openness as an invitation to feed off of your enthusiasm and energy. Don't let your people-pleasing nature rule your life! CAPRICORN (Dec 22 — Jan 20) Stop fighting, Capricorn! Now is the time to let the past go. Any long feuds, miscommunications, and disagreements should be forgotten as we move into 2019. With your birthday coming up, ruminate over the past year and visualize how you want your new year to go. (gS. AQUARIUS Ss, (Jan 21 - Feb 19) As the holiday season starts, don't try sticking to any agendas! Planning will most likely overwhelm you. Try moving where the mood takes you, from big, splashy celebrations to a quiet night at home. Listen to your mind and PISCES (Feb 20 — Mar 20) . Your analytical mind might get the best of you, Pisces! Planning for the year ahead becomes much more reasonable when you break it down into easy-to-achieve goals. The upcoming year will be an especially productive one for you, so keep your goals close to your heart.