Drunk Friend Totally Loves You, Man

By “Salty” Liam Britten

PORT COQUITLAM, BC—Your
drinking companion Trevor Feldman
has pledged his brotherly love for
you at a bar in Port Coquitlam.
“Dude, like, you fuckin’ rule dude,”
Feldman began, “and like, you're
totally not fake like all those other
flakes and shit that try and get up all
in other people’s shit and whatever.
Dude, I totally love you man.”
Theassertion wasimmediately followed
by Feldman’s insistence that you drink a
Jagerbomb with him immediately. The
Jagerbomb was immediately followed
by Feldman buying you three beers,
and a Tequila slammer. Your offers to
pay were met with extreme resistance.
“No dude, like, why you got to be like
that?” he inquired rhetorically. “Like,
you’re like, my fuckin’ brother and shit
man, and I love you, man. Like, not in
a homo way or shit, but like, you know
man, it’s just like I try and do shit, but then
you’ re all like this? Dude, come on, dude,
Tequila slammer! Tequila slammer!”
The conversation eventually ended
after Feldman tried for 15 minutes to
explain his affection for The Grateful
Dead to you.

 

Your drunk friend, Trevor Feldman (centre), expresses affection

 

TOP FIVE CHOICES FOR HILLARY
CLINTON’S CAMPAIGN SONG,
AS SELECTED BY YOUTUBE USERS

Hillary Clinton has appealed to YouTube users to help her select a song for her
campaign. What are the top choices for her song, and why?

il tee The Bitch is Back by Elton John (It seems obvious, doesn’t it?)

PES eaewtes Peanut Butter Jelly Time by the Buckwheat Boyz (YouTube users seem
to think this song is appropriate for anything)

Potente 99 Problems by Jay-Z (Once again, pretty obvious)

Bo cas Anything by George Clinton (because like all Clintons, she has the
funk)

| eee Hillary Clinton Would Make a Great President by Hillary and the

Clintons (What the...?)

TOP FIVE REASONS FOR COST
OVERRUNS ON THE VANCOUVER
TRADE AND CONVENTION CENTRE

The BC Liberals admitted recently admitted that the Vancouver Trade and
Convention Centre, originally supposed to cost $495 million to construct,
will now cost $883 million of taxpayers’ money. What are the causes of these
massive overruns?

 

Seow Forgot to carry the 2

Bis ccssnces Building’s insulation is made from the corpses of those kicked out of
Single Room Occupancies.

Seaviaes There are no cost overruns. These are also not the droids you’re
looking for. He can go about his business. Move along.

Be ernee No one with construction experience is on the board of directors.

While this could’ve been seen as a problem when Gordon Campbell

was appointing them to the board, they all had very good letters of

reference from some guy named “Bordon Bambell” to make up for it.
Beotcae Gnomes.

 

UA A

,FRONT LOUNGE

t 604.517.2966 uw

THURSDAY |
oe

IS

STUDENT
NIGHT!

 

TUNE
TWISTER