Chloé Bach arts@theotherpress.ca What the hell are the Suicide Girls Anyway? Kris | Watrich “what the hell?” Pa Get your boners ready from some good old-fashion nudie pics. I remember the first Hustler I owned. It was beautiful, dirty and foreign all at once. I hid it in wonderment under my dresser so my parents wouldn’t find it. However, I eventually got so nervous that I threw it out in a random garbage can so that the Porn Police would not suspect that it was me who was in possession of the aforementioned naked pictures. Now as an adult, I no longer need to hide my shame under a dresser in my closet; now, my shame hides on the Internet. For a mere $49.95, billed almost anonymously to your credit card as SG industries, you can enjoy a thrice-daily soft-core strip tease from one of the alternative ladies at www.suicidegirls.com. Now, just to clarify, unlike Seth from Superbad, I don’t need any peen in the va-jay-jay for my porn. That strange dude’s peen is like an uninvited guest to a party on my laptop; hey, I only invited Righty, Mr. Lube and a number of the suicide girls, and there was no RSVP sent to some strange peen! I have many unanswered questions for guys who like that sort of thing a little too much. The site was started in 2001 by Sean Suhl and Selena Mooney (a.k.a. “Missy Suicide”), and was created “just to see hot punk rock chicks naked.” Selena Mooney has also stated that the site has given women empowerment in exactly how their sexuality is depicted, which is exactly what you’d expect girls to say when their hooters 14 “Suicidegirls.com was created just to see hot punk rock chicks naked.” are all over the Internet. The name “suicide girls” comes from a passage from Survivor by Fight Club and Choke author Chuck Palahniuk. The term was used to depict girls that couldn’t be pigeonholed into a specific category or subculture. Much of the content, and by that I mean girls, are focused on what I would call “rock chicks.” They are heavily tattooed and often pierced just as heavily, but all kinds of girls are featured on the site. Any variation of body modification is accepted. Single tattoos to chest pieces, anything goes. This is an excellent gauge to see how far your tolerance of “outside of the norm” will go. For example, I do not get turned on by a lot of piercings. I do, however, enjoy girls with more than a few tattoos; but to each his own. You might find that anyone who doesn’t have a mohawk, their earlobes stretched to gross proportions and a vagina that looks like a pincushion doesn’t cause your little drill sergeant to stand at attention. When your girlfriend is “away,” “sick,” “doesn’t feel well,” “is really just tired,” wants to “cuddle,” has a “headache,” is “sleeping” or maybe “doesn’t exist,” remember your fine feminine friends and the treasures that lie waiting for you in cyberspace at suicidegirls.com.