the other press

Op-Ed

 

    

Erin Culhane
Opinions Editor

Last week I wrote about upselling, and telemarket-
ing, and fake customer service. Well, I should have
gotten my oil changed before writing about the art of
forcing the sale.

Actually, I should have gotten the oil changed in
my car a few months ago. I admit I’m not at all nice
to the dark grey cloud that is my car. But, I finally
brought the beast in and got more than just a fluid
change—lI got some serious upselling from the oil-
change guy. I’m talking the variety that uses guilt to
make you buy. It went a little something like this:

“Your oil looks pretty black. Would you like me to
flush your oil-thingy? (He didn’t say “thingy” I just
can’t remember the car lingo.)

“Um, how much does that cost?” I said.

“$14.95,” he said.

“No thanks,” I said, adding, “The car’s not going
to blow up without it, is it?”

“Nah, they might tell you that down the street,” he
laughed.

Tsk, tsk—knocking the competition, I thought. I
sat down with my tea and a newspaper, thinking I
had gotten off pretty easy, when he came over and
said, “You seem to have some leaks, do you want a
thicker oil?”

Thicker oil is more money, I thought, but, before I
knew it I was nodding my head “yes.” >

Two minutes later, he was back. “How are\your
windshield wipers working for you?” \

Seriously? “Uh, I don’t know...not good?”

“Would you like new ones?” he asked.

“How much?” I asked

“$14.95,” he said.

Upselling Update

Déja vu, I thought. “No thanks.”

I was about to pay for my oil change when I saw a
huge stack of $5-off coupons on the desk. “Hey, can
I use one of these?” I ask.

He threw me one of those, “you stupid broad”
looks and said curtly, “No, those have already been
used.”

Yeah, so the next time I’m 4000 kilometres overdue
for an oil change, I won't be going back there.
Hmph.

Next stop, the stationery store for some file folders.
I approached a store employee to ask where the file
folders were at. He kindly showed me where they
were and pointed out the different kinds. “Thank
you,” I said.

Then he busted out with, “Do you need anything
else today? Pens?”

Wow, that’s pretty random, I thought. “No
thanks,” I said, trying not to laugh. At the checkout
I was met with more upselling tactics (you know—
tape, paper clips, floppy disks), at which point I lost
it and started throwing file folders all over the store,
screaming and jumping up and down like a deranged
lunatic. I grabbed the clerk by her cotton/poly blend
golf shirt and shook her, while screaming: “QUIT
TRYING TO SELL ME SHIT I DON’T NEED!”
Then I picked up the cash register, hoisted it over my
head and threw it down aisle 12, saying, “DOES IT
LOOK LIKE I NEED FUCKING PENS?”

Okay, so that part didn’t really happen, but seri-

‘.ously—someone is going to snap one of these days,
and you'll hear about it on the news. And you'll
think of me—the crazy anti-upselling lady.

October 2, 2002

MAILBAG
RE: Quit
Upselling
Me

Shannon Boisvert
OP Contributor

Opinions Editor:

Finally! Someone agrees that upselling is a
BAD idea! I, too, hate it when I call the
bank’s helpline to inquire about a mysteri-
ous charge in my account only to have, at
the end of the call, an offer to sign me up
for another credit card, life insurance, or a
travel plan. One: as if I can afford to spend
more money, being that I took time to
phone about a $2 charge. Two: don’t you
think that if 1 wanted a long-distance phone
plan, I'd call my PHONE COMPANY?

On the other end of it, I used to work for
a gas station, where we had to wear
nametags and had a script to follow. If we
didn’t follow it, we were fired. I refused to
wear my nametag after I had a few weirdos
coming by the store when I wasn’t there and
asking the staff when I was working next.
Plus, I don’t see why I have to announce my
name to someone buying gas. Does it in any
way help them attain gas? Will knowing my
name encourage them to buy more? I grit-
ted my teeth and did the whole script thing
for a month, then I got sick of people liter-
ally throwing money at me because they
were so tired of being asked “do you have an
Airmiles card?” or “for only $5 more you
can get a free pack of gum!” or having peo-
ple scream at me for wasting their time.

Amazingly, I was in a much better mood
when I stopped upselling, enjoyed the job a
little more and took the time to small talk
with people when I was processing pay-
ment, which took significantly less time to
do, I might add. Because people were in and
out faster they didn’t have to stand in line
listening to the script five times and were
much more polite and patient when they
got to the register. Some even thanked me
for NOT upselling them.

I think whoever invented the “would you
like fries with that?” concept should be sub-
jected to hours upon hours of telemarketers
phoning during dinner hours, even 2, 3, 4
a.m. in the morning, to get a feel for what
we have to suffer through. Maybe then this
theory will be put in the round filing cabi-
net along with ideas such as platform shoes
and investing in the IT industry.

 

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