RISS&ENTERTAINME Smith & Reeve (will be) at the Movies Iain W. Reeve and Steph Smith, 58 Percent More Alive than Siskel & Ebert Since it was the first week of school and we didn’t have time to run out to the movies, we’re going to hit you with a big preview of what will no doubt be some of the best and worst movies of the year. We’re even separating them into handy categories to help you find the film of your choice. See you in the theatres in 2006! ” Reeve: Unnecessary Sequels: Nothing says, “I need to buy a new house” on the part of the movie industry like a big fat unnecessary sequel. And this year, especially in the realm of action, there are some doozies. Fresh off his latest couch hop, Tom Cruise stars in Mission Impossible 3 and will be competing for the title of over-the-hill action star with Bruce Willis in Die Hard 4.0. Speaking of over the hill, Sharon Stone makes a rather odd return in Basic Instinct 2. Also watch for a mostly new cast to trade Austin Minis for Vespas in The Brazilian Job. The most poorly timed sequel? Mortal Kombat 3, a fran- chise that peaked in popularity about ten years ago, and has produced two box office flops. Best Sequels: While I am an outspoken critic of the sequel in gener- al, there are a few possible gems. There is Clerks 2, the 11- years-in-the-making sequel to Kevin Smith’s accidental classic Clerks. But the sequel I'll be keeping my eye on is the reboot of my favourite action franchise. Daniel Craig as your new James Bond 007 in Casino Royake. Worst Adaptations: My second most hated movie trend at the moment is adaptations. This year you can look forward to an adapta- tion of the popular children’s book The DaVinci Code, Colin Ferrell trying in vain to be as cool as Don Johnson in Miami Vice, and the most accurate video game adaptation ever in boobie-filled DOA. While some will be excited about Agua Teen Hunger Force: the Movie, 1 don’t see that being funny for 90 minutes. Best Adaptations: This year does have some potentially good adaptations however, most coming from the comic book world. Fitting in both the adaptation and sequel categories are X3, Sin City 2, and Superman Returns all of which had winning potential. Also getting the film treatment is long awaited adaptation of Phillip K. Dick novel .A Scanner Darkly, some very cool cell animation in this one kids. Last but not least, Get Smart, Steve Carrell, nuff’ said. Why, God Why? Dear Pixar, thank you for Toy Story and The Incredibles, but Cars? What the hell are you thinking? Also, from the man who brought you a wicked film in About a Boy comes heaping pile of junk called American Dreamz, essentially a fictional adaptation of American Idol where the president becomes a judge. Heyuck! The leading contestants? Mandy Moore as the pretty middle-America girl, and a newcomer Middle-Eastern actor who plays the singing son of a ter- rorist who tells him he must win so he can kill the presi- dent. Ouch. Surefire Blockbusters: For me, the term blockbuster tends to be a synonym for “steaming pile of merde.” With that in mind, look for- watd to brainchilds of Mel Gibson and Vin Diesel in the form of Apocalypto and Hannibal. Keep in mind that Hannibal is directed, produced, and starring Vin Diesel. I shiv- er at the thought. Also assured to make mad stacks is the lat- est from M. Night Shysmamsmamalamanalanan, Lady in the Water, a story of a man who meets a lady floating in his local pool. Reminds me of my first girlfriend. Best Surprises: Thank you for Smoking, which follows the exploits of a lobbyist for big tobacco, looks brilliant. The Darvin Awards follows investigators seeking people who die in the most humourous ways pos- sible. And Color Me Kubrick stars John Malkovich as a real man who ran around the world pretending to be late film director Stanley Kubrick. Best Film: There are snakes. There is a plane. There is Samuel L. Jackson. Snakes on a Plane is already a cult favourite based on name at all. Sure it’s just another action film, but it’s SNAKES ON A MUTHAFUCKIN’ PLANE! Smith: Unnecessary Sequels: There comes a time when a director will decide to make a sequel to a great movie. There also comes a time when a director will make a sequel to a movie that was not so great. These are those films. There is the newly cast Butterfly Effect 2. Even though none of the original cast is set to return, they felt the need to make a sequel. Next we have a slew of films that did not do such great business at the box office, and yet still received the green light for pro- duction. Big Momma's House 2, Scary Movie 4, Garfield 2, Santa Clause 3, and Jackass 2. Aside from the fact that Tim Allen needs to eat, I cannot fathom why any of these films were given the go ahead. Was Ganrfie/d that big a success? Did Big Momma's House really reach that deep an audience? It baf- fles me. On top of those, there are a million new horror sequels. First off is Halloween: Retribution. What is this, sequel number 481? Do we need more? Was the story incomplete somehow? Is Myers not dead enough yet? I just don’t get it. Then there is Final Destination 3. From Final Destination 2 we got taglines like “More Speed. More Horror. More Death.” And quotes like “Being alive after we were supposed to die caused an outward ripple. A rift in deaths design!” How can one not want to see the third in the trilogy? I’ve got my tickets already. There is also The Grudge 2, Saw 3, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, and Underworld: Evolution. Perhaps it is just me, but I don’t remember any of those originals being any good, and one can assume that the sequels will be much worse than the originals. Especially The Grudge 2. I didn’t even make it through the first 30 minutes of the first one. The second is bound to bore me after the first 10 minutes if I see it, which I won't. Best Sequels Clerks 2: The Passion of the Clerks, Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and Night of the Living Dead 3-D. Three sequels that might aeditor@gmail.com be good. Clerks was fabulous and hilarious. To catch up on those same characters 10 years later will be funny. Plus Kevin Smith can do no wrong (with the exception of Jersey Girl.) Pirates of the Caribbean 2 can also do no wrong. It is Johnny Depp and pirates. The first one was a smash hit, and Depp it hot right now. I will be shocked if it does any less than $800 billion. As for Night of the Living Dead 3-D... it’s zombies. In 3-D! Come on! Best Adaptations This is a hands down win for The Trailer Park Boys. Trailer Park Boys! The movie! This is a sure winner. The show is awesome, and the movie can be even more so. This is what will break the boys in the States, and I can’t wait to see it. Why God, Why? Vin Diesel is trying to be a serious actor. We haven’t yet figured out why, but he’s trying. Vin Diesel stars as Hannibal, crossing the Alps to attack the Carpathians. I’m weeping with disgust already. There is also the baffling, Apocalypto. Seriously Mel! Stop already. You are not a histo- rian, and filming it in the original foreign language? Yeah, it worked for The Passion of the Christ but don’t press your luck. We already think you are a psycho Christian nutcase. Surefire Blockbusters Four words for you, Suakes on a Plane. Samuel L. Jackson, and SNAKES ON A MUTHAFUCKIN’ PLANE! What more could you want? This will be the biggest movie of all time. Best Surprises The best surprise is Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny. Thank you to whomever decided to give these guys a movie. Jack Black should rule the world. From the man who invented Inward Singing, comes the greatest film of our time. I’m shocked that it will exist, but shocked and blissful. There is also Inside Man. I saw a preview for it, and it looked good. Plus I think I have some weird crush on Clive Owen’s voice. I think I would like to make love to his voice. Mmm... Clive Owen’s voice. Best Film Snakes on a MUTHAFUCKIN’ Plane! That says it all.