6C

 

 

First, go buy a piece of plexiglass, then cut a hole in it big enough for that junk. Then
have your friend stick his baby maker through that hole and prepare your jaw!

 

massage. Get some standard baby oil from the
store and rub down your partner. They will no
doubt be aroused as you run your hands up
and down their body. When you make it down
to your partner's genitalia, well, that’s where
you have to stop because it is in the massage
code that you must not massage that area of
the body. However, you are not a registered
massage therapist (at least most of you won't
be), so obeying the code is entirely optional.
Make sure to wear a mask though with this act,
because without wearing the mask, what is the
point of any of this?

Do you have a special man friend who
wants a special gift for his birthday? You may
think there is no way you can get him that

“special birthday present” in these times, but
you can with the plexiglass glory hole! First,
go buy a piece of plexiglass, then cut a hole in
it big enough for that junk. Then have your
friend stick his baby maker through that hole
and prepare your jaw! In Canada, this is called
“Up Against the Boards.”

If just being in another room with
someone is too scary for you, there is always
the reliable phone/webcam sex. From teasing
to toy play it’s the best way to have fun from
a distance. For those looking to have a closer
connection, consider getting a Bluetooth
connected toy, connecting it through an app,
and having your partner control the rhythm
from the other side. Your partner will be

pulsating, and you can enjoy it with all the
grainy video quality that your poor WiFi
connection can take.

Other positions you can take on is the
Russian Time Machine, Russian Waterfall,
Russian Short Bus, Secret Crockpot Rocking
Chair, Portuguese Neck Brace, Portuguese
Recliner, and many more that a sex position
name generator can make. Though some of
these may not be the most COVID safe. So,
celebrate Valentine’s Day like usual but with
the safety of knowing you are respecting
COVID protocols—because if sex is anything,
it is best done with bureaucratic safety
regulations in place.

Illustrations by Christine Weenk