Capricorn

(12/22-1/19)

Hey, remember that rich great
uncle you never knew about?
Well, he’s not dead... yet. I’d
advise using poison, for it’s
the quickest way to get your
inheritance money.

Aquarius

(1/20-2/18)

Let’s see, what do the planets say
about romance today... Ah, here
we go! You will be married to
Aaron Eckhart in the future. The
bad news is that you will only be
married for 15 minutes. But I’m
pretty sure your divorce lawyer
will accept this horoscope as a
valid form of payment. After all, if
you can’t trust someone who got
a law degree from a website, then
who can you trust?

Pisces

(2/19-3/20)

Anything you do today will

go extremely well, so start a
revolution. Believe me, if you lead
this revolt, 2012’s going to be the
year of change we can believe in!

Aries

(3/21-4/19)

Today you will finally finish a
long-term project. By having
memorized the lyrics to “It’s The
End of The World As We Know
It,” you will be the envy of all
your friends!

Taurus

(4/20-5/20)

Today you'll wake up, look
around and realize you’ve passed
out on your elderly neighbours’
lawn again. You will also notice a
distinct lack of pants. Your pants
are on the tree that overlooks your
neighbours’ bedroom window.
This oughta be good.

Gemini
(5/21-6/21)
You have worked very hard lately

and for that, I’m proud of you.
You’ve managed to stay away
from Skyrim for two whole days.

Cancer

(6/22-7/22)

Looking for a job? Well don’t just
sit there, read the classified section
of the newspaper! Also, here’s a
tip: do not wear a clown suit to an
interview unless you're applying
to be a clown. In that case, do not
bring a chainsaw.

Leo

(7/23-8/22)

You are a very special, smart,
sexy person. So why are people
avoiding you like you haven’t
bathed in a year? Oh, that’s
right, you’ve haven't been near a
bathtub during your time off.

Virgo

(8/23-9/22)

Spend some time outdoors today!
For God’s sake, skin should not be
that pale!

Libra

(9/23-10/22)

You’ve been working too hard
lately, so go ahead take some
time off to read your horoscope.
I promise you good advice. For
example, don’t sled down the
stairs of your house.

Scorpio

(10/23-11/21)

Today you will find yourself back
in the 1920s. Well, what do you
know? Everything was black and
white back then!

Sagittarius

(11/22-12/21)

You have more in common with
the people around than you
thought! They like stuff too! They
also like to do things!

With files from Livia Turnbull.

 

Humour.

Farms up North tired of accepting sick, old dogs
“Yes there’s plenty of wide open space for them to run around, but no
more!’ say farmers

 

By Liam Britten, Humour Editor

coalition of farmers from
places far up north where
hildren can’t go visit say

they are tired of parents dumping
family dogs on them who are too
sick and tired to stay with their
families.

They told The Other Press that
while these misguided parents may
have the best of intentions when
they take a child’s beloved pet away
to a wonderful place where they
need to be alone with other dogs
and fresh ait, the overcrowding is
just too much.

Farmer Pete Woodhead
represents a farmer’s advocacy
group called Put Rover Down
Already.

“Tt’s just not fair to us,” he said.
“You know, we’re trying to run
businesses up north here, and then
lo and behold, a family sedan pulls
up with just the crying parents and
no kids in the back. And you know
what's coming next—boom, out
from the back seat pops a golden
retriever who can’t walk good
anymore and shits everywhere.
Happens every gosh darned time!”

Compounding the problem,

according to Woodhead, is the kind
of farms that farmers up north run.

“We're squirrel farmers up
north. Always have been. And I
know these parents think it'll be
great for Fido to have the varmints
to chase around all day, but it’s
ruining my livelihood!”

Parents groups feel differently
about the situation.

“When our dog Duke got sick,
we knew his time with us was
coming to end,” said Peter Adams,
a father of two, and spokesman for
parents’ rights group Dogs No One
Wants Need Homes Too. “So we did
the only humane thing. We loaded
him into the car, drove him up north
and dropped him off in Quesnel. I
mean, what else can we do? What
do these farmers want? Did they just
expect us to take Duke to the vet,
put him down and then lie to our
children that we took him to a farm
up north?”

Woodhead is not sympathetic to
the claims of parents like Adams. He
says dogs like Adams’ Duke should
be sent to Doggie Heaven.

“Yeah, Doggie Heaven is the
best animal shelter north of 100 Mile
House,” he said. “That's the place
for dogs like these.”

 

Because of Kraft Dinner

 

By Sharon Miki

Ijust can’t get enough of you,
the cheesier the better, baby.
Your caloric cream’s curls a coup
I just can’t get enough of. You
with your tubular tangy goo,
shades of atomic tangerine:
Ijust can’t get enough of you.
The cheesier the better, baby.

21