Jordan Cripps
Sports Editor

On Sunday, October 6th the Queen of England is
coming to Vancouver. Not only that, she’s going to
drop the puck at the final pre-season game for the
Canucks. When I first heard this, I bruised my jaw
on the floor. Getting over this initial reaction, I tried
to think about it from a (slightly) more rational per-
spective.

Of all the places she could have gone in the city,
she has decided to take in a meaningless preseason
hockey game. This seems surreal to me. I really
wonder what led to this occurrance. Did Brian
Burke or John Macaw personally phone the Queen’s
representatives and invite her to the game? Maybe
Brian Burke did, but Mr. Macaw is a hands-off
owner so I doubt he’s even heard the news. I’ve tried
to imagine the deliberations that took place with the
Queen's people as they decided what public appear-
ances she should make in the city, but all I’m left
with are bizarre images of people throwing darts at a
dart board and saying, “looks like she’s going to a
hockey game”. There doesn’t seem to be any ration-
al explanation for why this would be the main pub-
lic appearance she will be making in Vancouver.

‘Trying to imagine her response to the news is even
weirder. “What's hockey?” Apparently, she attended
a game during one of her visits as a young adult, but
I’m sure that she has more important things to do

Foul Ball

Eugene Krebs
OP Contributor

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this column do not
reflect those of The Other Press Sports Department, but
are solely those of the author.

4

VEW AD CAMPAIGN IS

 

Two consecutive playoff appearances and the
Canucks’ marketing brains think they know us now.
This particular fan must admit that he doesn’t get
this new advertising campaign of theirs. You know,
the one you see on the sides of buses, or at SkyTrain
stops, the one where we get to know all the nick-
names of our hockey heroes? Who or what are these
ads appealing to? Is it a stretch to propose that per-
haps these marketing wizards have had one Frosty

at des

to attend a game that would, under regular circum-

stances, have little interest even to the most diehard
Canuck fans. It is certainly a coup for them; the
game should be a sellout, and every television sta-
tion in Canada is going to show Her Majesty stand-
ing at center ice as she drops the puck.

I really hope that nothing goes wrong. I have
heard that security will be especially tight at the
game and that people attending the game can expect
traffic delays as they arrive. Fans are being told that

Peach too many to understand the alpha-male
nature of the game? It’s a tough world out there, a
world where only those who swing from the top
branches survive, and no one named “Matti” is ever
going to make Darwin's list. Nor will “Trev,” or
“Clutes.” “Bert” might, because he has that sort of
psycho look that suggests opponents think twice
about a potential spear to the spleen. If nothing else,
his nickname has a certain edge to it. But are
Canuck fans really inspired by the menacing
moniker of “Danny” (Sedin), and are Canuck fans
really aware that “Klatter” is another word for noise?
Maybe Canuck fan are just happy to know that
Trent can rattle the boards from time to time.
Regardless, the true Canuck fan wants their gladia-
tors to drool, not smile.

Why? Because Canucks are supposed to be strong,
and not just in the dressing room. We drink our beer
double-fisted and chop down trees with axes, if we
have to. Then we sell them to the Yanks, if they let
us. This nickname campaign is offensive. It’s
HOCKEY for “Henny’s’ sake—not darts! It’s enough
to make Canuck fans do something outrageous, like
not spit on the person next to them, or get up and
move when they're sitting in someone else’s seat.
Frankly, I’m appalled. If we're not careful, we might
start to resemble baseball fans. Strike that—MLB
has its own problems, with drunk, shirtless and jail-
painted father-son-hooligan combos beating up on

they should arrive well in advance of the game’s offi-
cial start time to accommodate these issues. Despite
these measures, I think that there is the potential for
many problems to arise as a result of the Queen’s
visit to GM Place. First, she isn’t young and ice is
slippery. It would not look good on the Canucks if
she were to stumble and injure herself at the game.

On a more serious note, I worry that someone
may use this visit to illustrate a political point in a
very public way. With the current state of the world,
if I were the Queen’s representatives, I would have
some concern for her safety while she’s standing at
center ice. I’m sure that this has been a consideration
for both parties and that steps have been taken to
ensure that something doesn’t happen.

Finally, P’m concerned with what the Queen
might see at the game. Games between the Canucks
and Sharks are, historically, pretty physical. How
would the Queen react if she saw Mike Brown going
after a Sharks player as retribution for Jan Hlavac’s
recent injury? This game may not give her the best
impression of the sport, or the city.

I’m looking forward to watching the game in per-
son and just hope that nobody gets hurt and that the
Queen leaves GM Place at the 1st intermission feel-
ing that she has enjoyed her time in Vancouver.

bald first base coaches.

So what can Canuck fans do? I suggest season tick-
et holders should protest en masse until they are
given nametags of their own. “Hey Shinbone,” one
could yell, “how ‘bout grabbin’ me a jumbo Sprite
and a plate of nachos if your card ain't maxed out
yet?” Better yet, Canuck players, themselves, could
put nametags on the whale and wear their nick-
names on the backs of their jerseys.

Ah, it just isn’t the same anymore. No more Tigers,
no more Steamers, no more Super-Pests. We've
entered the Marshmallow Age, where your favourite
player is no longer a face on a hockey card, but your
buddy. What happens next year? We get invited to
their parties? Find out what their favourite cereals
are? Trade e-mails? True hockey fans want their
heroes to be aloof, distant...to be GODS. We don’t
want them to be our friends; we want them to be
vile, to be ugly, to crosscheck when given half a
chance. We want our heroes to have nicknames like
“Killer” and “Chainsaw,” and have them carry their
sticks the way they're intended to be—as a weapon
of choice.

This marketing campaign is truly an offside. This
just may be enough to push Canuck fans over the
blue-line. Who's to say? It just may be enough to
make Canuck fans stop riding the bus.

Comments? Lambastes? Write to

eugenekrebs@yahoo.com

 

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