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And more!

 

Law and Order: Special Fast Food Unit

» The ‘Coles’ lawsuit

Chitwan Khosla
Features Editor
© features@theotherpress.ca

rs. Panini Meals sued Mr.

Hamburger Meals, her
ex-husband, for psychological
abuse. She claimed in her
affidavit submitted in the
court that her husband has
repeatedly caused her distress
over the years that they were
married, and even after it

ended two years ago.

“My husband always
stopped me from grilling
when we were married and
now, when we are divorced,
he doesn’t allow me to grill for
our kids—Mayo, Mustard, and
Ketchup; instead he always
serves them his toasted buns. I
want my kids to enjoy the food

so hard to financially support

and raise them, but he doesn’t
value my sacrifices and efforts.
We both share joint custody of

: the kids but he doesn’t allow
: the kids to be with me. I feel
: that hei is Separating them away :
: from me.” Mrs. Panini Meals
: said in the courtroom at the

: trial last week.

Mr. Meals’ lawyer

: prosecuted his defence, “Mrs.
: Meals has filed false allegation
: against my client. She knows

: Mayo and Mustard go well

: with Mr. Meals. Ketchup is

: old enough to make his own

: decisions.”

Mr. Meals denied that he

ever forbade his Mrs. Meals
: from any grilling. He said that
: he loved to grill his ex-wife or

see her getting grilled herself.

The defence council

: initially appealed for the
dismissal of the case, but Judge :
I cook too, I have been working : Caesar Cheese refused the
: appeal and ordered the case
: to go to trial. The claimant
in her statement at the trial

: had brought to attention

: other instances where she was
: subjected to psychological

harassment by Mr. Meals. She

: told how at Mayo’s birthday

: party, Mr. Meals insulted her

: by throwing liquor at her.

: Mr. Meals answered that he

: thought Mrs. Meals liked to get

: wet.

Mr. Meals, who owns

: Coleslaw Corp, would be

: subjected to pay his wife a

: compensation of $10-million
: and probably a share in his

meat factory if he lost the case.

Mr. Meals, who is dating

his secretary, Ms. Cold Pop,

: announced a few days before

: Mrs. Meals filed the lawsuit

: that he is considering marrying
: soon. He is now claiming that

this is a conspiracy motivated

: from greed and envy and he is
being framed.

But, you know what they

say: a Hamburger goes well
: with a Cold Pop!

 

Moving performances
at a cozy venue

» Concert saved by last-minute encore

Chandler Walter
Distribution Manager

he Arms Pub was alive

with the sounds of music
late last Tuesday night, and
admission was a wallet-saving

$0.

The stage was set with late
‘80s disco lighting, and the
dozens of us milling around
in the crowd hushed as the
first performer opened with a
beautiful rendition of “Like a
Virgin.”

Drinks were moderately
cheap given the venue, though
unfortunately there was no

buy a T-shirt of your favourite

performer of the night.
No-name stars rose and fell
during their short time in the
spotlight, and by the middle
of the concert I came to realize
most of the crowd around me
was on the set-list.
Many had no professional
conduct whatsoever; in fact,

: most had to read lyrics off of a

: scrolling screen.

Still, the artists moved me

in a most beautiful way, which
: surely had no correlation to the
: eight or 10 beers I'd consumed

during the concert.

The most surprising and

exciting development of the
: evening came about at the very
: end of the night, when I was

: slated to deliver the encore!

I closed off the set-list

: with a rousing, 10-minute-long
: cover of Meatloaf’s “Bat Out of
: Hell” and the crowd—though

: dwindling in numbers by

: then—was still large enough
merchandise booth at which to: for a thunderous applause, and
: to also somewhat cushion my

fall during a nearly successful
: stage dive.

00000 |

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