issue 9// vol 45 humour // no. 17 Five movies to watch while your friend vacations in Indonesia » This one’s for Elodie, you bitch Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor D id you think everybody was just as committed to making it in the big city as an artist as you are? Think again! While some of us suffer for our craft by working gruelling u-hour shifts and picking bobby pins off of public restroom floors to save a couple bucks, others are having the time of their adult lives lying in a hammock in Indonesia and hooking up with Australians. As winter looms over our heads like the threat of getting the flu for the fifth time this year, consider watching one of these movies while thinking about killing your friend who somehow saved up enough money to backpack across Asia again. 5) Ice Age This movie is all about doomed creatures struggling to survive the harsh Arctic landscape, something I assumed my friends and I were going to do together until one of us decided to book a six-month trip to Southeast Asia. There's a sloth, a sabre-toothed tiger, and a mammoth voiced by Ray Romano. Even though they are animals that you would assume would be, like, totally fine in their Arctic climate, they crave warmer temperatures, such as Bali. Or Vietnam. 4) Up in the Air When your friends complain about the nine-hour plane ride they'll have to take in order to get to a land of perpetual sunshine and rum-filled coconuts, you can watch this seemingly endless movie to get the same effect. George Clooney flies around the world and fires people, which is what you would get at your work if you decided to take a six-month vacation to Southeast Asia. 3) The Beach Ayoung, sexy, frosted-tipped Leonardo DiCaprio stars in this 2000 thriller. He backpacks around the gulf of Thailand and has an amazing, life-changing experience meeting people from all around the world. He sleeps under the stars, parties until the wee hours of the morning, and swims in phosphorescence with an equally sexy French girl—all things I assume happen while backpacking. I wouldn’t know for sure, since some of us haven't been backpacking in Asia three separate times. But I digress. 2) Superbad Seth Rogen’s magnum opus Superbad tells the tale of two young buddies who try and lose their virginities before college. Though they will soon be torn apart by graduation and college, the two best friends never let anything come between them, including 12,382 kilometers of land and sea (coincidentally the distance between Vancouver and Indonesia). 1) Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey Acult classic and something great to watch while youre on your period and just want to get the tears out, Homeward Bound isa beautifully told story of three animals who just want to come home. Two dogs and a cat face mountain lions, porcupines, and the Sierra Nevada, only to realize that the best place to be is right at home. In fact, any place other than home is probably scary and dangerous. I urge anyone who is reading this who is not at home— say, in Indonesia—to come back home immediately. Who needs places like the entirety of Southeast Asia, anyway? Breaking news: Everyone at the gym is looking at you right now » ‘When you wheeze for air under the guise of tying your shoe, they know’ Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor Sus from the University of Chicago show that everybody around you in the gym is looking at you right now. The research team conducted a month-long study on the phenomenon, concluding that every single time you think you feel someone’s eyes on you, they are in fact staring right at your sweat-soaked back. Gilbert Hollycock, head of Kinesiology and lead researcher on the project, spoke about the findings at a recent press conference. “Yes, that feeling of someone's eyes penetrating your skin that you get when youre at the gym and youre using equipment incorrectly—that’s entirely factual. People are looking at you, and what’s more, they’re judging you as well.” The data collected concerned factors such as how many times you said you were going to go to the gym per month, how much you actually went to the gym per month, and whether or not you treated yourself to a big cookie afterwards. Additionally, the research team looked into if you bought cute gym clothes just for the sake of buying them or if you actually used them. “Lots of people buy the clothes just to take a gym selfie in the mirrors,’ Hollycock said. “This was very conducive to our research.” Information was also drawn from CrossFit classes, but the data from those findings were both violent and confusing. “No idea what’s going on there,” New Year's Eve anxiety comes earlier than predicted » Tl literally sell my soul for a party hat and a noisemaker; says citizen Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor at was supposed to occur in late November to early December has started as soon as October 15. Greta Braggs, a Vancouver local, was one of the first to report experiencing New Year’s Eve anxiety two weeks ago. “T usually don't start getting filled with fear about what I’m doing for New Year’s until Halloween is over. But as I was putting my inflatable witch in my front yard, the dread set in—I need to reserve an overpriced table in a crowded bar with people I hate, and I need to do it right now!” Scientists blame this quick- moving fear on the recent changes in weather patterns. Brett Comby, head of Atmospheric Sciences at UBC, said to the Other Press, “Tn earlier years, New Year's Eve anxiety usually set in after you receive your first Christmas card. This occurs around December 2 or, if you have religious parents, November 28. But because of this year’s cold snap, followed by two weeks of direct sunlight, our internal clocks are extremely confused. As such, many will find themselves frantically googling ‘sequined dresses long sleeve’ on zaful.com long before December hits.” Recent studies show that the best way to enjoy New Year’s Eve is to have a large glass of red wine and a muscle relaxer at 10 pm, then falling into a blissful, unencumbered slumber. “Just sleep through the entire night,” Comby says. “The feeling of weightlessness from the muscle relaxer and the pleasant numbness from the wine ensures that you wont fixate on the thought that each New Year’s Eve brings you closer and closer to the grave. Unfortunately, many people are concerned with the idea of letting other people know that they are, in fact, having a great time. Even if it comes at the cost of spending lots and lots of money and not having a good time at all.” Though some were prepared for the clinging terror that they would have nothing to put on their Instagram stories on the night of December 31, many were caught unawares. Derek Delmont was in the middle of a chemistry exam when he felt a wave of festive nausea roll over him. “Before it hit, ] was super preoccupied about whether or not my grandma would make it to Christmas. Now all I can think about is getting lit with my boys at the Cambie. Oh my God, do you think we should sign up for early bird tickets now?” New Year’s Eve Anxiety has moved quickly, affecting citizens all across Vancouver. Caroline Hopkins, resident, spoke to reporters while scrolling through her phone. “T love looking though event pages for parties I could never attend on my salary. Because I work full time as a waitress while I pursue my dreams of becoming a voice actress, I'll probably never get both New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day off unless Hollycock commented. “Just very strange overall” Phillip Barr, Hollycock’s assistant and self-proclaimed “gym rat,” spearheaded the project with findings of his own. “I go to the gym to exercise and to maintain my health. But I also go to openly stare and gawk at people to make sure they feel ashamed about their own body.” Barr took a moment to flex his poppin’ delts. “T have different techniques. Sometimes I'll stand near people and pretend I’m watching the television above their heads, but I’m really watching them try to hold back a primal grunt on the leg press. Or I'll stand menacingly near the end of the treadmill as if I’ve signed up to use it and they're hogging it. Any way to make these people feel really out of their element.” Here Barr paused to spray a stream of water straight from his sports-beverage- branded water bottle into his gaping maw. “Does this make people uneasy to use the gym? Yes. Does this mean people should stop going to the gym? Only if youre prepared to feel like a lesser specimen of human being. If not, by all means—GTL!” Before leaving the conference to go directly to the UBC gym for some reps, Hollycock added, “If you think people don't check what weight you have your machines set at when you get off, youre wrong. That’s the first thing they look at. They judge how sweaty you got, too.” A followup report indicated that every time you made eye contact with someone in the mirrors by the weight rack, they saw you—and they judged. They judged hard. aml . # Eows | Sea et tf ew he Mie ho se f “ea i 4 rs “a tn, eb ih /\ + ae co aa ay o& % ye i +h = } | ik | fn - bk. . j f 4 Ty | , L i : 5 1 A = a, | + h Atl Ce I ba = both my boss and my assistant manager are struck down and killed by a moving vehicle. But because of FOMO, I'll probably end up working a nine-hour shift, then cram my blistered feet into a pair of stiletto heels and a tube dress in two-degree weather on the off chance I'll get a sloppy New Year’s kiss. Does anybody know if Celebrities is selling tickets yet?” Other Press reporters left Hopkins as she cried out on the street, “Guest list! I need a guest list! Does anybody have a boyfriend who works as a DJ at the Fox?”