The “Other” News Worker’s Compensation Board shuts down Bowser’s Castle “Massive” safety concerns cited By Liam Britten he Worker’s Compensation "Tea has taken strong action against Bowser and his evil forces by declaring his castle a “no work zone” for a litany of safety violations. WCB spokesman Maya Singh called the workplace conditions “shocking.” “Exposed lava pits, swinging ropes.of connected fireballs, improper lighting, all the hallmarks of an unsafe work environment,’ Singh told reporters. “If someone wasn’t careful, they could definitely lose a few lives in a place like this.” The WCB first investigated Bowser’s castle in 1985, when it was reported that a female employee was being forced to stay for mandatory overtime against her will. The WCB was never able to substantiate these claims, as the employee had been transferred to another castle. “Simply telling us ‘The Princess is in another castle’ is not good enough,” Singh said of the initial case. “Our inspectors had to travel through four levels of World | to reach this facility and they even lost their fire flowers. This is highly irregular and suspicious.” For his part, Bowser is denying all the charges. He says that the WCB has “an anti-business agenda” and is out to crush “mom and pop supervillains” like himself. “This is just more government in our lives, more bureaucratic red tape,” he said of the WCB closing down his castle. “I’m trying to run an evil business here, and the WCB chooses these hard economic times to crack down on dishonest businessmen like myself? For shame.” Bowser told The Other Press that employees are free to leave at any time, provided they aren’t stuck on a platform walking back and forth all day. He said that any Goomba that wants to quit is free to resign whenever they choose. However, a source within the corporation denied that claim. He spoke to The Other Press on condition of anonymity, and said that conditions were “abhorrent.” “All day long I’m stuck here, just moving my head in and out of this pipe all day,” the source said. “16 hours a day he’s got me coming out of the pipe, biting mindlessly into the air a few times then descending. Not only am I not allowed breaks but if someone hits ~ me with a fireball, I could be killed. I’m so scared, but I need this job to feed my The WCB inspects one of the many hazards in Bowser’s Castle family.” The WCB does not appear to be backing down from the charges they’ve laid. They plan a full investigation and the possibility is certainly there to shut Bowser’s operation down permanently. “We will not restrain ourselves from taking any appropriate punishments if the investigation confirms our initial findings,” Singh said. “However, the WCB has left options open for Mr. Bowser, and if he complies, I’m sure something can be arranged.” Singh went into detail about the changes the board was looking for. “Better lighting, free toe and eye protection, a paid half hour for lunch, and no more axes placed directly behind thin bridges, to start. Those are the immediate changes we are looking for,” Singh said. “Even an improvement in basic sanitary conditions would be a good start. I mean, have you seen the washrooms in this place? They really need to get a couple of plumbers in here.” Dear Other Press staff... contemplations about sex. My queries are about proper form and knowing when to draw the line. See it all started when one of my partners and I were going at it and I noticed a pillow kept getting closer and closer to the edge of the bed and eventually it just fell off. Now should I just leave it, or should I replace it knowing that she’s going to be laying on it for our big finale? I waited, and then while the third act was coming to a close, her dog began to lick my foot, and started really irritating me. Eventually her dog had tickled me to the limit and I lashed out knocking my partners head on the bed frame. Had I grabbed the pillow, that would have easily been avoided, and had the door been shut her rodent wouldn’t have bugged us. So what kind of behaviour should happen while doing the nasty? Behaviour has never properly been discussed with me so I thought I could start a new revolution, and say that it is only polite to have the door firmly closed. At the same time, other pets and animals should be kept off of the same floor or at least locked in a different room as to not cause a distraction. For safety measures, there should always be an equal pillow to person ratio, that’s just a given. Not having a comfortable area to do the wild thing is just criminal. I hope that people read this and start to think about how safe their sex really is. [= been a faithful reader for some time, and I have a few Signed, John Schlongo room in the library. DO NOT BELIEVE WHAT IS WRITTEN IN THERE! IT IS A LIE!!! I called Kelli for “a good time,” and let me tell you, it was NOT good at all. First of all, “Kelli” used to be Kellen. “Her” Adam’s apple would put Ann Coulter to shame. I’m not saying that I wasn’t aroused; believe me, I was. Kelli did things to me that no woman could ever do. Free BJ? Check. Quick rub-out? Check. Rimmer? Check. Ride home afterwards? Motherfuckin’ CHECK! Now that I think about it, I guess what I’m trying to say is that | prefer men. A lot. And I’m okay with that, because that tryst in the men’s shitter was the most magical, amazing thing that’s ever happened to me. So that’s all I’ve got to say. Mom, Dad, I’m gay. One more thing: for a good time, call Kelli. [= a message for anyone who goes into the second stall of the men’s Yours, Kyle Petersen PS. Kelli, if you’re reading this, can you meet me in the washroom at 3 tomorrow?