Features

January 14, 2008

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By Nikalas Kryzanowski

A few words on extended bus travel.
Not Translink but the other kind. If you
fancy yourself a bit of an adventurer, the
kind of person who can shake off a bit
of adversity and discomfort if it means
attaining a greater goal, then here is an
experience that will really test your mettle
and your sanity. I had the opportunity to
suffer through the challenge with my
girlfriend this past holiday season.

In the interest of saving money
while visiting family in Kingston, Ontario,
we opted for the bus over plane or train.
We stared down the open road for a mind-
numbing 150 hours or 9594 km (both
ways), emerging on the other end feeling
a bit stronger and wiser (sometimes you
have to do something stupid to become
smart). To quote Kingston’s own musical-
comedy act The Arrogant Worms,
“Canada’s really big.”

Approach bus travel with an
open heart and mind, by, say, imagining
that you’re in the Smashing Pumpkins
video for the song “Today.” Any minute
the bus will pull over in the gently rolling
and surreal sepia landscape. Everyone
will get out and run to the hillside and
start making out to mid-90’s alt-rock.
You see where I’m going with this: The
mind wanders in such isolation; in fact, it
wanders naked into the forest. If you don’t
allow it to roam then you might as well be
in a coma. For me, I was perpetually at
The Vinyl Café with Stuart McLean.

Four provinces stand upright—
bumpy BC, flat Alberta, flat Saskatchewan,
and piney Manitoba. That’s only half the
trip. The other half lies in Ontario—it
deceives you by lying sideways. Driving
from Kenora to Sudbury takes a full 24
hours, and even then you’re still in what
they refer to as “Northern Ontario” — that

vast expanse of pine trees that stand at
attention along the highway and salute
you as you pass, and then snicker at you
out of sight. It wasn’t until after another
12 hours from Sudbury to Ottawa, and
then Kingston, that we finally reached the
Promised Land.

Layovers
are usually allowed
on these crazy

stop. Neither of our
schedules permitted
it. There was only
time enough to do a whirlwind tour of the
St. Lawrence Valley. If you’re traveling
to Ontario, then it is sound advice that
once you start hallucinating—usually
by Winnipeg—it is not unreasonable to
spend a comfortable night in a hotel and
pick up the trip the next morning.

No layovers were allowed here,
though. At our special ticket rate of $228
round trip, the one requirement was to
suffer. It was to be three days and 17
hours of uninterrupted travel, constantly
wheeling down the Trans-Canada, 24
hours a day. No showers and worst of all,
no legroom. Long-term comfort is simply
unattainable; on a crowded bus there is
nothing to do but ball up a sweater and
lean against the window. The bus
did stop roughly every two hours at the
lobbying of the smoking class, however.
When such instances occur, it’s always a
good idea to always get off the bus and
stretch your legs, even during 15-minute
stops in the middle of God-knows-where
at four o’clock in the moming. The
importance of stretching cannot be over
emphasized. On a gross note, you will
find that the blood will pool in your legs
causing your ankles and lower shins to

“Would I do it again?
long trips, but we .
didn't have tme 10 Doubtful. Do I regret it?
Heck no!”

Travel By Bus- A Survival Guide

swell up. Leg muscles play a big part in the
circulatory system, which helps to pump
blood back up the body. Letting them
atrophy while trapped in a vertical sitting
position, well that’s a recipe for clotting
and a little deep vein thrombosis—and
nobody wants that. While you’re outside,
feel free to do laps
around the bus.

If you find
that you just can’t
sleep (and this will
be most of the time)
you can always
introduce yourself
to your fellow bus-mates—those other
lost souls. Chances are one of them will
likely be keeping you awake anyway
with coughing, snoring, or earsplitting
headphone music. Some will pass through
quickly and others will be on for the long
haul, like you. If you bond with any of
them, they can provide great insight into
other unique and interesting parts of

 

Canada. I learned about life in small town
Saskatchewan from a little old lady on her
way home to North Bay, Ontario, from
Wolseley, Saskatchewan. She was visiting
friends and filled me in on the small town
gossip. It’s not uncommon for small towns
on the prairies to be extremely cliquey.
Think Corner Gas. The town consists of
a gas station, a diner, a grain elevator and
not much else. This woman let me in that
a new couple had just moved to Wolseley
from Vancouver. Those big city folk were
no doubt bringing their big city ways to
Wolseley, obviously intent on changing
everything. Why can’t they leave well
enough alone? Turns out the female of the
pair got a job at the diner. There she was
changing the very food they were used to
eating and had eaten for generations. So
they boycotted the diner. They told the
owner that they refused to eat there while
she was on shift cooking. Sure enough,

Continued on Page 21

 

 

Here are a few tips for survival on extended

bus travel:

-Travel in jimjams

Denim is not compatible with all the
squirming and shifting of trying to get
comfortable.

-Remove your socks at night

They will start biting you by day two.
-Bring lots of healthy snacks

Greasy junk doesn’t usually bode well for
long periods of sitting. Also, bus stations
are usually spaced far enough away from
other restaurants so that riders are a captive
market— hearty breakfast food will cost
over $9,

-The back three seats are not always the
best seats

Sure, you can stretch out but the toilet is

right next to them, and the area usually
smells like urine or worse as a result. Also,
a random person usually gets on at the
next collector stop and forces you into the
middle seat of back seat sandwich.
-Neither is the very front

You can watch deer die but the front seat
offers less legroom than other seats.
-Bring reading material

But be careful that you don’t get motion
sickness from looking down too often.
-Be courteous

Remember that a bus is a close-quarters
situation. Nobody likes that person on the
bus who has the annoying or repulsive
habits.

 

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