January 10, 1994 a The Other Press "T= ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT how for the nineties Jim Rose wants you to punch it through your fucking face from the Ubyssey, University of British Columbia by Douglas Feris “Don't look away,” Jim Rose says, “you don’t get your money's worth.” If you are one of those poor unfor- tunates who has never had the change of seeing master entertainer Jim Rose and his Circus Sideshow, now you can, _The Jim Rose Circus Sideshow has fi- nally released a 30 minute live video of their on-stage antics. Lucky you. Lucky us. THE JIM ROSE CIRCUS SIDESHOW Heaving Video Release directed by Jonathan Dayton and Valarie Faris HORSE’S MOUTH by Jason Kurylo by Jason Kurylo At last, it's 1994! (Holy shit, can this guy write an original opening for the New Years’ column or what?) For my first trick, I'd like to congratulate eve- ryone for their seemingly miraculous survival of the Xmas shopping maul massacte, which laid thousands of peo- ple and their respective pocketbooks to waste. Next. I'd like to thank all seven peo- ple that read my columns last semester. (Six of them were either family mem- bers or my girlfriend, who for obvious reasons has since been committed to a very nice home in sunny Port Coquitlam.) Their efforts and support were, and are, greatly appreciated. And, with many apologies to Mr. David Letterman, Id like to list the Top Ten things to do for 1994. Somewhat self-indulgent, but then again, isn’t that what student newspapers are for? 10)Bitch and complain. Sure, it might seem like it comes naturally, but I've got to work at this shit. 9)Actually get a course I want through the Douglas College Telereg system. | hereby vow to get into a de- sired course, just once, without having to beg the mercy of an instructor. 8)This is the year I plan to unmask Pat Quinn for what he really is...Gino Odjick’s father! How else can you ex- plain this Neanderthal getting ice time with Trevor and Pavel? Now if I could only prove Tim Hunter's ancestry... 7)Read the Bible. Don’t get me wrong; I think it’s a load of bunk, but If you're not familiar with the Jim Rose Circus Sideshow, poor you. He spent years gathering together his col- lections of strange humans, because he believes “people are tired of things that are slick, contrived, choreographed, manipulated, and clean. It is time for some entertainment that is live real, raw, and dangerous.” Rose himself is a crucial part of this stage-based science show delivering stomach-churning one-liners while he and his pals perform their arnazing art- form. For instance, Mr. Lifto uses all of his eleven body piercings to life various objects. Rose says that “his act is the most popular public display since the outlaw- ing of hangings.” He lifts iron with his nipples, and a it’s bound to be a great read...Think about it: it’s got love, murder, adven- ture, not to mention floods, wars, earth-quakes, volcanoes, mystery, and there are more morals in these stories than you can shake a stick at! It’s got everything a great work of fiction should have. (But if you ever see me trying to spray holy water in one of the computer labs, give me a good swift kick, or something.) 6) Travel the east coast. Only one motive here: See the Boston Garden and the Montreal Forum before they close. Anyone else up for this one? 5) Write to Jean Cretien, and find out just why the air seems oh-so much sweeter since he punted those damned Tories out the door. (There’s no need to be alarmed. No one will ever change the way the country is truly run, so your taxes'll go up just like last year) . 4)Buy new shoes. 3)Here’s the only resolution I make, and I make it each and every year: This year, I plan to annoy every single smoker that I come into contact with, just as much as s/he does me. (Note that if you're the type of smoker that offends easily, you probably shouldn't read the next issue's Mouth. If you're not, then nyah nyah write a letter.) 2)Start a letter-writing campaign to get The Ralph Benmergui Show can- celled. Have you ever seen this thing? It makes Rick Dees look like...okay, maybe not Rick Dees...lt makes The Pat Sajak Show look like Byron Allen....No, it makes John & Leeza look like Sally Jessy...No, wait...It sucks, alright? And the #1 thing I plan to do in 1994: 1)Smack upside the head any asshole that complains about the Other Press being a brutal read, and then fol- lows it up by not having the balls (or the genitalia of your choice) to try to write something him/herself. Once again, | would like to thank the four devoted readers of this col- umn (Damn, smokers are sensitive...), and wish you all'a successful ‘94. suitcase with his tongue. “Beautiful, Lifto, beautiful.” Then, Rose announces, “the amazing Mr. Lifto will out a hook through the end of his dick and lift up these two irons...” He sure does, but unless you're like me, don’t try this at home. I really, really, really like it when people love what their good at. TheTorture King is world famous for what he can endure. Sometimes he walks on razor sharp swords, sometimes he just puts a blowtorch out on his tongue. This time he does the human pin-cush- ion act which Rose says has made junk- ies faint. To Rose's chant of “punch it, punch it” and “quit teasing them,” the Torture King gives himself a couple hundred dollars worth of piercings in about three minutes with close two five inch nee- dles. Rose tells him, “I will never exploit you Torture King-NOW PUNCH IT THROUGH YOUR FUCKING FACE!” Rose serenades the Torture King, “You're too good to be true, can’t take my eyes off you.” The extraction of the needle is even more difficult. “Sometimes it goes off like a GEYSER.. sometimes like a SPRIN- KLER, eighty percent of the time, blood free. Trickles don’t count.” The beautiful “world class eccentric” Enigma-he is fully illustrated as a jigsaw puzzle-swallows things for a living. He eats nightcrawlers, crickets, and maggots not to mention swords. Sword-swallowing was outlawed in 1987 because of two deaths. The sword the Enigma swallows is two inches longer than those were. It’s amazing to watch Enigma’s eyes glaze over after he pulls twenty-two inches of cold steel out of his throat. Matt “The Tube” Crawley can suck 7 condoms up his nostril and pull them out his mouth and he even reversed the process. Neato! What he is famous for though is Gevage,” which means shov- ing a net of tubing down his throat to im 7 SE Rose his stomach and pumping various sub- stances-a mixture of beer, icing, choco- late and Maalox-out. If being a freak is this much fun, I want to run away to join the sideshow. 4EIRCUS)/SDESHOW show for studs, wimps, “ nice guys, jer Mey 2 aoe Douglas College PERFORMING ARTS THEATRE Room 4100 FRIDAY, JANUARY 21, 1994 4:30 PM FREE Admission PER ee i a | bachelors, jocks, sissies, macho men, brothers, Playboys, dudes, dickheads, womanizers, SNAGs, husbands, . sex machines, dorks, lover-boys, bullies, heartbreakers _ WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY NORMAN NAWROCKI ©