issue 12// volume 44 humour // no. 23

Young woman moves without writing
‘Why I'm leaving Vancouver’ open letter

> City bylaw requires everyone leaving to publish article explaining why

Jacey Gibb
Distribution Manager

 

Ciens of Metro Vancouver are still
reeling after hearing the news that
Chantelle Miller moved to Calgary,
yet failed to write and publish an open
letter detailing the reasons why.
“I’m honestly speechless,” said
Denise Burke, Miller’s neighbour
and best friend since kindergarten.
“I didn’t even know she had moved
until I saw a Facebook status about her
having a new Calgary phone number.
I mean, Chantelle had told me she was
moving, but I never saw her share an
article about why she was moving, so
T assumed it hadn't happened yet.”
Miller, a 31-year-old graphic
designer, moved to Vancouver in 2009,
when the housing market was only just
becoming the absolute clusterfuck it
is today. Since then, she’s been reno-
victed five times, shared a house with
11 roommates, and even tried living in
her car for a month—all details that she
definitely should ’ve included in, at the
very least, a Medium post, or something.
“Tm not surprised that she finally
moved,” says Miller’s former boss, Andrew
Schmidt. “It’s just, I’m shocked that she’d
leave without even saying goodbye... In an
open letter addressed directly to the city.”
Vancouver City Bylaw 7089
states that “Any citizen relocating

outside of the Lower Mainland must
pen a-personal-yet-relatable thought
piece on why he or she is leaving, and
drag it out for at least 1,000 words.”
The bylaw also specifies that all
personal essays on leaving Vancouver
are required to “begin with a fond
memory of living in the city, and
end on a regretful note of the writer
not wanting to leave, but having no
choice—even though they clearly do.”
“The incident has been reported to
us, and we're taking this very seriously,”
Kevin Sloanes, bylaw officer, said ina
statement earlier this week. “People
need to understand that these laws
apply to everyone, including young
professionals, who feel like this city
owes them a ticket to easy living.”
Introduced in response to the
rising cost of housing, the bylaw also
states that the open letter must be
published either in a print publication
like the Georgia Straight, or an online
platform such as Slate or the Tyee.
Lengthy Facebook statuses are not
included under the bylaw, as not enough
people will be able to see your clichéd
argument for why no one could ever
possibly live in this beautiful city.
Vancouver bylaw officers are
currently looking into the situation,
and say that Miller may be required
to write a posthumous blog post on
“Why I left Vancouver,” or, at the very
least, submit a letter to the editor
to a Lower Mainland newspaper.

‘ E
Te |!

 

Writer wins Pulitzer Prize for
novel they ve never written

> Nebulous concept of novel becomes New York Times bestseller, receives critical acclaim

Rebecca Peterson
Assistant Editor

 

Ae writer has gained an
international following and the
critical acclaim of many greatly renowned
authors for a novel that he will definitely
write sometime this year, probably.

The writer in question, John
Everyman, has been struggling to
complete his magnum opus since his
late teens, but is confident that he’s
stumbled upon a winning plot outline
for his debut novel. It is this plot
outline that has made the rounds on
social media, and has received multiple
awards for its stunning originality,
relevancy, and blistering commentary
on the state of the human condition.

“Tt’s utterly stunning,” said Head of
the Pulitzer Prize Board Sally Bookmaster
in an interview with the Other Press on
Sunday. “We of the board have no doubt
that once it’s finished and published,
this book will change the way we see
ourselves and others for the next decade...
perhaps even the next hundred years.
There was no doubt in our mind that
this book was utterly deserving of the
highest honour we had to bestow.”

“I mean, you just have to look at
what this guy’s got planned,” said book
enthusiast Paige Dhaliwal. “It’s got

everything—twists, turns, a believable
romance, the struggle between good and
evil, it’s basically the perfect novel.”

The outline even has executive
producers in Hollywood interested
in bringing the impending novel
to life on the big screen.

“We've already got Tom Hanks on
the line for one of the supporting roles,
Idris Elba for the lead,” said executive
producer Gary Lowbar. “If we get
Mery] Streep in on this we've basically
got an Oscar hat-trick in the bag.”

“Well, we have Leonardo DiCaprio,
Denzel Washington, and Viola Davis
interested if we get the rights,” said
executive producer Tim Decent, elbowing
past Lowbar to speak to the press. “I mean,
it’s hard to get much better than that.”

Everyman has said that he’s
pleased about the reception his
novel idea has received, but that it’s
“ramped the pressure up somewhat.”

“T mean, this kind of reaction is
really what I’ve dreamed of for almost
a decade, honestly,” said Everyman,
sitting in a coffee shop with his laptop
open to a blank Word document as he
spoke to the Other Press. “But I really
gotta deliver now, which I think is a
good thing. It kind of gives me that push
to actually write the novel, right?”

The novel, according to Everyman,
is about “a guy who like, experiences

this incident that completely just
shatters his worldview, and he sort of
has to reconcile who he is with this
thing that has happened, and what
that’s going to turn him into and just
sort of where his life is going.”
Everyman told the Other Press
that he has the basic narrative beats

 

 

nN So

sorted, he just has to put it all together.
“T really think that once it gets

out there, it’s gonna be my best

work,” said Everyman. “I’m just so

excited for everyone to read it.”
Everyman’s novel is set to hit the

shelves fall of 2018, most likely, if he

doesn’t get writer's block (again).

Photo by Analyn Cuarto