Have an idea for a story? M humour@theotherpress.ca (¥ Ask Adalard’s Advice Corner (¥ Forever 21 clothing bears shocking subliminal messages (¥ Your Horoscopes And more! BREAKING NEWS: We weren't quite finished copying down the notes off that last slide could you please go back one > The anguished cries of students have fallen upon deaf ears Rebecca Peterson Humour Editor Rees have been coming in from fourth floor history class, stating that the professor has skipped ahead to the next slide in the PowerPoint before the students could finish copying down notes from the one before it. “I think there was some important shit on there, too,” said one witness to the event. “I only got about halfway down the page.” The incident occurred around noon, and so far has not yet been resolved. “T put my hand up the moment it happened,” said one student, Lena McPhee. “I think the prof is doing that thing where she’s ignoring all questions until the end, though. I fear by then it will be too late.” “It was bound to happen at some point,” said another student, Jennifer Park. “I mean, she’s been blitzing through this lecture like crazy. We’ve all been writing our hands off to keep up. Then our time with each slide got shorter and shorter, while we wrote faster and faster, but eventually... well, something had to give.” The professor in question is known for her quick delivery of lecture material. According to students in her class last year, she managed to get through three textbooks worth of material all before reading break. Due to the snow days of early February, however, it seems the class has fallen behind on the syllabus schedule. “I mean, it’s admirable, I guess,” said Park. “She does try to end class early when she can. But I honestly think it’s more important that we actually get the information down on paper.” “I tried taking pictures of the slides with my phone to be safe,” said an ex- student, Jordan Jones. “But that’s not allowed, apparently. I mean, it didn’t help that I'd left the flash on by accident. She wasn't too happy about that. But I told her even back then, right at the beginning, that she was going too fast. I tried my best to save the rest of the class, Douglas student paid off Mother Nature to bury school under snow > Student apparently did this to avoid taking midterms Rebecca Peterson Humour Editor enizens of the Lower Mainland were surprised by the unusual amount of snow dumped on the South Coast the week of February 5-1, and many were left searching for an explanation. Some blamed climate change, others deduced that the snow was brought on by a backlog of prayers for snow from 2010, during the infamously warm and un-snow-filled Winter Olympics. However, it seems the truth is far more sinister. Recent investigations have revealed that one of Douglas College’s students, Jackie F. Rostman, paid Mother Nature a lucrative amount of money to dump enough snow on the school to cancel midterms. The investigation was undertaken by the school’s Meteorological Phenomena department, who sprung into action the moment the school closed on Monday, February 6. “It just wasn’t natural, we knew it wasn't natural,” said Jolene Harding, president of the Student Weather Investigation Service (SWIS). “We were breaking snowfall records from the 19405, like honestly, what the hell? But we didn’t open an investigation until we realized the school cancellation was something far more sinister than just a precautionary measure... it was motive.” Working off of that premise, the team tirelessly cross-checked students who had cancelled classes on the snow days with students who had scheduled midterms, now Illustration by Ed Appleby pushed to this week and affording the whole reading break to prepare. “Finally, from that shortlist, we looked at students whose names could conceivably be Humour-Section worthy puns under the circumstances,” Harding but it wasn’t enough... It wasn’t enough...” According to many in the class, the professor does put her PowerPoint slides on Blackboard; however, she only keeps them up for an hour, and she never tells anyone when it goes up. “I spent a week refreshing Blackboard, just waiting,” said McPhee. “Just in case. It went up at 9:57 p-m. on a Thursday night, and was down again before 11 o'clock rolled around. It’s just pure madness.” The Other Press attempted to get a statement from the professor, but as far as we know, the reporter sent to collect this statement still has their hand up, and has not yet been called upon to speak. said. “Jackie F. Rostman immediately stood out to us as a suspect. I mean, really? ‘Jackie F. Rostman?’ Jack Frost? A two-year-old could have come up with that. We got a warrant to hack his computer and sure enough, there were several large bank transfers from off-shore accounts to off-plane-of- existence accounts. As far as evidence goes, that was pretty damning.” The arrest was made the following day. Many have come to Rostman’s defence (it has mostly been grateful students whose midterms were also cancelled due to the snow days), however, the opposition has been strong and unforgiving. “Why would you want to put off a midterm, really?” said Douglas student Kali Lee. “The prof is just going to take those extra days to make it more difficult. I didn’t want to spend my Reading Break studying, I wanted to spend it in Cuba. In fact, I did spend it in Cuba. So if I fail my midterm, it’s totally Rostman’s fault. I just wanted to have it over and done with.” Rostman has yet to make a statement on the matter, however her Twitter has been revealing of his motives. To pull a tweet written by Rostman on February 5, “Just made a great deal that'll help a LOT of stressed out students (ESPECIALLY ME LOL). Feeling #blessed.”