a?

‘men

‘October 5th, 1984 ~

toe
-erd

|. \..0 HIE OTHER’ PRESS

“Da

ge'11

arene ee

 

Some of you, at this moment, are
thinking. Some of you at this moment
are thinking ‘‘EGAD! Has the Other
Press finally slid to the depths of

 

by ROGER BOLEN

 

professional, turn a buck journalism?”
Nay! What you are about to witness
is...BAD PRESS.

Yes, the Other Press is writing
something about Michael Jackson
because ..we cannot afford to lose
anymore people in the battle of
“Music, in good taste.’’ The Jacksons
are coming to Vancouver and knowl-
edge is the best defense.

Michael Jackson is black. That is the
reason no one gave him bad press
before. For fear of being taken for
being prejudiced, many writers failed
to give proper impartiality to the
evidence at hand. Criticisms of his
punchy four-four music were embel-
lished to be protective of the writer’s
image, rather than honest critiques of
his talents.

The Other Press at one time
considered printing a mock movie
advertisement (for the sake of humor)
but it was vetoed-by other staff on the
grounds that it may have been
misinterpreted as a personal attack, on
the grounds that he was black and the
writer was white. On the other hand,
at this moment somewhere in Zim-
babwae, someone is making a white
joke.

‘Hey. How many Caucasians does it
take to make stationery?’

“Tene”

“Depends how thin you slice ‘em.’’

You see, the joke is not that funny,
but maybe you’ve never been to
Zimbabwae.

The actual movie ad went: ‘‘The

Burning Bush II, starring Richard

Pryor and Michael Jackson, etc...’’

It was only funny to those people
who, admittedly, have never been lit
on fire.

Now that | have explained the angle
at which | am approaching this, | will
endeavor to carry on; conscience
relieved.

The Jacksons have a history. Media
love to revive history. Michael was
always a poignant part of that history.
The media, then as they are doing
now, idolized the young black dancer/
singer to show the American people
that it didn’t matter who you were, you
could still make it in America.

In this age of peculiarity of fashion,
where a woman can shave her head
and Boy George requires a prefix for
identity, what does M.). have?

He has a load of zippers. Zippers to
confuse and confound. What does he
keep in them? Scientists believe that
the zippers were implanted by a team
of surgeons (the same ones that did his
nose) constructed to access his bodily
organs at any opportune moment. Of
course, when you are a millionaire you
need a lot of places to keep spare
change.

The stereotyped glove may be a
little too weird for some, but Michael

covers his hand because he is a
mutant. Nope. He has eczema? Nope.
It is a skin graft from the bathing suits
of the June Taylor Dancers? Perhaps it
is better to be left unexplained.

Why does the guy moonwalk? He
does it because he has a vain vein. He
likes to look at his nose in mirrors as
he’s leaving. It was popularized by
accident.

Of course, we have strictly dealt
with his social climb, appearance and
media bombing. What has not been
dealt with yet is the talent factor.

Michael has a high-pitched vocal
range. So high that the Memorex
commercial he was going to make
failed because he kept blowing out the
recording studio windows. :

The decibel level of human speech is

about 60, and the maximum of
decibels that sounds remain audible at
is 130. Anything over 130 decibels and
it begins to tingle, sounds becoming
indistinguishable.

170 decibels (progression loga-
rithmicly) and pain begins to become
very prominent. This decibel level is
used, in fluctuation, by the C.1.A. for
breaking down the autonomic nervous
system, inducing pliable behaviour
and eventually, comas.

The average Michael Jackson con-
cert causes temporal failure. In many
subjects, it has been noted that
personality traits become absorbed
from the most visible source; ie. M.J.
This theory more than adequately
explains why so many patrons of these
concerts turn to Pepsi and walk

Poise, grace and how to

A long time ago, so political philos-

ophers tell us, our ancestors aban-
‘doned the ‘’State of Nature’

and
trudged, with knuckles dragging, into

 

by PETER FITZPATRICK

 

society. To facilitate this _‘’coming
out’’, man created manners and
etiquette, and, in so doing, unwittingly
invented the social gaffe. The faux
pas has plagued man since, and many
wonder whether swapping Hobbes’
‘“‘nasty, brutish and short’’ life for a
gregarious one was such a good idea.

The gaffe has assumed a pre-em-
inent role in history; nations have been
un-made, the destinies of millions
altered by a slip of a tongue or a
smidgen of rudeness. Was it. really
anything more than bad manners that
Eve plucked the forbidden fruit?
Certainly Marie Antoinette, when
uttering her immortal ‘‘let them eat
cake’’, had no idea that the rabble of
whom she spoke was within earshot.
Was it not the faux pas rearing its ugly
head when Ronald Reagan toasted the
people of Ecuador while attending a
state dinner in Brazil?

As a service to humanity, your
humble correspondent has taken it
upon himself to experience first hand,
each of the major gaffe types and
identify those most frequently occur-
ing in nature. This survey was secured
at no small cost as he now finds
himself absented from most party
guest lists. Through the course of the
study, it became evident that the
solecism could be classified into two
major categories: Small and Large.

The Small Gaffe is the most fre-
quently perpetrated of the two. They
are usually the products of ignorance
or error and are, for the most part,
verbal. The archetypal Small Gaffe is
telling a disparaging ethnic joke
when a member of that particular
group is standing behind you. | was
once duly rewarded: for my ‘Two
Blackamoors’’ gag by having my
cranium cloven with a ghetto blaster.

Another equally common Small
Gaffe is the awkward question. At
some point in each of our lives we
inquire of a person how someone dear
to them (recently dead or divorced) is
faring. Upon learning of the altered
circumstances one shrivels, squeaks a
mousey apology and slithers away.
There is no real defense against the
minor faux pas, so. shrug those
shoulders and change the topic.

The Large Gaffe is the more
frightful of the species. It takes on
many forms and cannot be dismissed
so insouciently. After executing the
blunder extraordinaire, you are usual-
ly left gnashing your teeth in a stygian
blackness that is illuminated oy by
the crimson glow of your flushed face.
They are that bad.

The Large Gaffe rarely travels
alone; it usually has alcohol as its
lackey, How many have, for instance
scored drunkenly in a bar late at night
only to find, by morning’s light, their
princess transmogrified by sobriety
into a Yehti? Blunders of inebriation
such as these are caused by the
‘Mayor of Casterbridge Effect’.

There is also the ‘Unpursing Lips
Syndrome’ which is almost disease-
like in that the afflicted blurts out
stupid or unappreciated remarks,
“Oooh what’s that on your face?!’’
Zits lend themselves nicely to this.

Finally, there remains the ‘‘Mega-
Gaffe’’. The ‘‘Mega-Gaffe’’ is that
sort of faux pas that makes you lie

backwards.
The must do’s to surviving one of his
concerts with your personality intact:

CJ Wear earplugs, heavy metal rega-
lia, daytons and a fire-proof wig.

(0 Swear a lot and drink beer, coke,
or...

(1) Develop an allergic reaction to
sequins and red zippered leather.

1 _Bludgeon yourself in the fore-
brain with a crate of Styx albums.
O) Pray, utilizing ancient pagan

rites. Perhaps burn a virgin or two.

If a little care is taken, you can
complete your study and formulate
your own opinion. Of course, a little
brain death never hurt anyone, but it
all adds up.

avoid them

insomniatically in your bed dreading
the dawn. They are the Sumo wrestlers
of solecisms, but are, oddly enough,
the most easily excusable gaffe-type.
The reason for this is to be found in
history.

Hilter had a theory called the ‘’Big
Lie’’. He claimed that if you tell people
a big enough fib, they would believe
you. Similarly, if you do something
assoholic enough, people are liable to
forgive and forget.

As an example, bluster and storm
histrionically out of your next party.
People will be aghast and so taken
aback that they will conclude that they
could have only aggravated some deep
rooted-trauma or trodden upon your
artistic sénsitivities. They will com-
miserate with you, blame themselves.
If you are lucky (and go out with
enough flourish) they may even apol-
ogize for agitating you to such par-
oxysms. There is an inherent danger,
however, in that this only works once;
try it a second time and your host will
be holding your coat for you at the
door.

Perhaps, though, forgiveness does
not stem from such complex mind-
gaming but rather the fineness of the
human spirit. More simply, we may be
eager to overlook other’s gaffes be-
cause we all make them. You ignore
the phlegm that’s clinging to your
lapel which | spat while talking, and’
I’ll pretend not to smell the pungent
odor wafting over from your direction.

 

 

ee

The Enigma Explained —