www.theotherpress.ca

HUMOUR.

 

 

Quitting cold turkey

Adalcts crave
Thanksgiving leftovers

Cazz
= Lewchuk
Staff Writer

be of local citizens

are being admitted into

a rehabilitation clinic after
overdosing on the latest
addictive substance to sweep
the nation: Thanksgiving
leftovers. While primarily

a seasonal abuse, reports of
leftovers addiction can come at
any time of the year. However,
with Thanksgiving, special
attention must be given due to

the extremely pleasant sensation
one gets when indulging in such
pleasures.

“T ate nothing but leftovers
right out of the fridge for a
week!” said Mandy Guthrie, a
local housewife and recovering
addict. “It’s just so much
effort to cook after making
that enormous meal and I was
already so tired... The carbs
gave me a burst of energy, but
the turkey knocked me out for
days afterwards.”

Guthrie is currently being
treated at the Rockefeller Diet
Addictions Centre by renowned
Paleo dietician Dr. Glenn
Rockefeller.

Dr. Rockefeller explained
to the Other Press the appeal
of Thanksgiving leftovers

addiction: “Although holidays
always present a risk for
consumption, Thanksgiving is
especially dangerous. The entire
point of this holiday is to eat—
seriously, I have no idea why
we celebrate it in Canada. It’s a
month early and it’s all cold and
we have nothing to do but eat.
I’m telling you, Paleo is the only
way to go. I’ve gained so much
muscle... Oh yes, where was I?
Right. In this feast celebration,
sweet and succulent foods
make their way to the palate.
Potential eaters have already
been cooking all day, drinking
alcoholic beverages, spending
time with family members,
smoking lots and lots of
marijuana... All these activities,
while quite harmless, make you

extra susceptible to hunger. One
full meal is enough to cause a
two-hour nap, and leftovers
pose even more of a threat due
to their availability. Sure, you
might think that if you don’t eat
them someone else will, or that
one piece of pumpkin pie isn’t
enough to cause an addiction,
but you'd be wrong.”

All patients suffering from
leftovers withdrawal are on
a strict Paleo diet. No more
poultry, potatoes, stuffing, or
pumpkin pie.

The strict preventative
diet seems to be hurting some
more than others. Although all
patients have been experiencing
the usual symptoms of losing
weight while gaining more
energy, developing healthier

Photo illustration by Joel McCarthy

eating habits, and having more
free time, not everyone is as
cheerful as Guthrie now is.

Joe Schmidt gave this for
comment after being pressed:
“1... 1 don’t know why I’m here.
Is this a real clinic? Is he even a
real doctor? What newspaper
are you from again? I’m not a
drug addict! I just ate leftovers
for two days because there
was nothing else in the house!

I spent my food money on an
ounce of weed! I’m being held
here against my will.”

It appears leftovers detox
seems to be working steadily for
everyone involved. Scientists
predict future chronic addictions
may include Halloween candy
and Christmas cake.

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