Aon

 

A palate of newspaper peddlers

A quick rundowniof the people)handing outn WAL)

By Jacey Gibb

iding public transit in the
Rene is a ritual full of many

trials. There’s the overcrowded
Skytrains, the mobs of grumpy
businessmen bumping into you on the
bus and then there’s the newspaper
people. Strategically placed at Skytrain
stations throughout the lower mainland,
these employees of Metro/24 have been
unleashed upon the population with a
single objective: to make sure you have
a newspaper in your hand. As someone
who takes public transit daily, I have
spent months collecting data, conducting
surveys and cross-referencing resources
in order to compose this refined list of
the different types of peddlers, what you
need to know about them and how to

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differentiate between.

1) The Deaf- No matter how many

times you smile and say ‘thanks but no
thanks’, someone might as well of hit a
mute button on you. The Deaf sees no
reason why you wouldn’t want the latest
copy of their paper, as they experience a
hearing similar to Charlie Brown’s wakka
wakka wakka. Characteristics to watch
for: unwavering emotion, possible wax
blocking ear canals.

2) The Smile and Nodder- Not to be
confused with The Deaf, The Smile

and Nodder boasts their pearly whites

in hopes their positivity inspires you to
accept what they’re offering. In actuality,
they’re not smiling at you, but at the
thought of what they’re going to do as

soon as they finish their mind-numbing
work day. Characteristics to watch for:
million dollar smile, constant nods of
approval, Vicodin bottle sticking out of
pocket.

3) The Cool Cat- The best kind of paper
person to encounter because he cares as
little as you do about reading details on
Lindsay Lohan’s latest trip to rehab. The
only reason he’s doing this gig anyways
is because he needs the money until his
band makes it big. However, apathy and
too-coolness usually have a negative
effect as you’re offended he didn’t at least
offer a newspaper (you didn’t want one,
but what if you had?). You secretly scold
him for his laziness. Characteristics to
watch for: sunglasses, headphones in,
lack of work ethic

 

4) The Pusher- The most aggressive of
all the peddlers. To them, all your ‘no’s
are spelt ‘yes’ and everyone secretly
wants a newspaper, but they’re just

too afraid to ask for one. The Pusher
sees a bus unload at the station and
interprets it as their Vietnam. It’s best if
you just accept their offer the first time
and abandon it just as quickly into the
recycling. Characteristics to watch for:
body language similar to a drug dealer,
crazy eyes

5) The Newspaper Box- How Metro
and 24 SHOULD provide their papers.
Characteristics to watch for: They’re
a box.