humour / 22 theotherpress.ca Female Body Inspector forced to go undercover at family dinner, put on a sweater » Young FBI operative assumes ‘civilian’ identity on mother’s directive Brad McLeod The Peak (NUW) ? espite routinely displaying his role as a trained and trusted FBI: Female Body Inspector, a 13-year- old operative is reportedly working undercover at tonight’s dinner—you know, because grandma’s coming. Justin Wilderman, who's been an FBI for almost three weeks now and has proudly let the world know it by wearing his standard issue T-shirt everywhere, from the grocery store to the movie theatre and even the classroom, is now being called to work in secret for the first time. According to reports, his mother, Mrs. Wilderman, feels that tonight’s birthday dinner for her uncle Richard is “too in the open in his uniform. “I don’t really get it, but usually I don’t mind too much,” Mrs. Wilderman explained, speaking about her son’s career choice. “All the relatives will be here tonight though and I’m just not sure if they’ll approve [of Justin’s career choice].” She continued to say that it would be best if Justin went undercover and put on that blue sweater that his grandmother had bought him to cover up his FBI shirt. However, Justin has made it clear that even if his uniform : isn’t visible, he will continue to : uphold the responsibilities that : come with wearing it. “This isn’t just a T-shirt to : me, I don’t treat it as some sort : of novelty or hilarious joke,” : Justin told the Peak. “I took a : solemn oath when my brother : Terry gave it to me to make : sure no female bodies went : uninspected and I haven't let : him down yet.” Despite whatever : preconceived notions people : might have about wearing an : FBI: Female Body Inspector : shirt, Justin says it is in no way : a pile of laughs—it is actually a : serious responsibility. “A lot of people think [this : job] means that I just stare : at attractive women on the : street and look at their boobs : or whatever,’ Justin explained : while putting on the blue : sweater-disguise. “No, I have to : inspect all female bodies, not important” for her son to be out : just hotties. “The elderly grocery store : clerk, the overweight janitor at : the movie theatre ... any female : animals,” Justin listed endlessly. : “Do you know how many of the : squirrels you see around are : ladies? Turns out it’s a lot of : them!” Justin further explained : that he doesn’t just inspect : uniquely female parts either : but that he has to take note of : every aspect of their body, from : their armpits to how many : moles they have. “The entire process can : toa half-hour per female. If I : leave the house, I normally end : up working at least a 10-hour : day. That’s why I like to have : the shirt, so people know what : I'm up to.” All of these reasons will : make working undercover very : difficult for Justin. “There are a lot of women : in my family and now I’m going : to have to do my inspections : without them knowing I’ma : professional,” he said, shaking : his head. “I hope grandma : doesn’t think I’m just leering at : her, I have to do my job!” Although Justin says that : he is fully committed to being : an FBI and wouldn'’t give up his : duties for the world, he admits : he sometimes wishes he had : gone ina different direction in : life and become an arbiter of : “Who farted?” like his brother : originally offered him. “That would’ve been a : lot easier, it’s always Uncle : Richard,” he said, cringing : at the thought of having to : inspect his Aunt Cheryl’s : psoriasis patch later tonight. : “I guess I just didn’t think this : career through enough.” At press time, Grandma : Wilderman had arrived at : the door and was delighted : to see that Justin was wearing : the sweater she had bought : him. No word yet on how : Justin reacted to what she was : wearing, but indications that : she wore a dress suggest he : : wasn't altogether thrilled. : take anywhere from 10 minutes : FEM ALE Bopy INSPECTOR Lo