The “Other” News “Salty” Liam Britten saltyliam @ gmail.com Concerned pimps just want their money “Salty” Liam Britten resident all-star CHICAGO, week-long summit, the American Society for Pimping, Hustling, and Ho-Slappery has issued a statement reaffirming their commitment to getting their money. IL—After an intensive The Society is the leading organization representing both players and playas across America, and has just concluded their annual general meeting for 2008. A statement, approved by the general congress, was read at the closing assembly by chairman Baby Luv. “Let it be known across this great land that we of the society are firmly committed to getting that paper,” Luv read. “Ever since the domestication of the common prostitute, we pimps have been beset on all sides by motherfuckers trying to attack our figures; lazy bitches, fools who won’t pay up, and punk-ass police are just a few of the unrighteous forces that are hell-bent on seeing us broke as shit. Therefore, we resolve to pursue that which is rightfully ours even harder than ever, for if we do not, we feel that pimping may lose its profitability, forcing us to stop spending our money on shiny shit and clothes, and get real jobs; a fate worse than death.” The statement drew raucous cheering and cane-thumping from the assembled pimps. Jamal Jewels, a pimp from Atlanta, approved strongly of the chairman’s message. “Baby Luv was on point with that fine address, I must say,” said Jewels. “After all, for those of who live off the avails of prostitution, this is a serious issue. What if we didn’t get the money? How would I be able to afford $400 shoes if that happened? The money is what we’re after, we’re not looking to cause a problem, in fact, I like to think that we solve problems.” Added Jewels: “Unless it’s the herpes problem. I must admit, we probably aren’t helping that.” New York-based pimp Bigg Moneeeeeeeeee was in agreement with the address’ message. “The cashflow is what we are out for, I can’t say that strongly enough,” said Moneeeeeeeeee. “Word is bond, I'll do anything for that paper, and if it requires breaking out | the talcum powder | every once in a while, | so be it. I keep my ladies in line, but it’s going to require more — and than slapping choking bitches to get our noble profession back on track. I think we need to step up our lobbying efforts.” The issue of money was not the only one discussed at the conference. Advancements in gold dentistry were given considerable attention, and a lively roundtable on the ethics on standard whoring versus crackwhoring yielded much heated debate. crackwhoring is ethical,” proclaimed DuPimppimp roundtable’s “Of course Gilbert Lafayette proclaimed after the me ec cee ay Te EI conclusion. “After all, why should a ho care if she gets the green or the white at the end of the day?” Storm “a-brewing” By Liam Britten MISSION, which is definitely “a-brewing.” “Yep, storm’s coming, that’s for sure,” Klein told BC—Local senior citizen and amateur meteorologist Harvey Klein (pictured) has offered residents a chilling warning of an upcoming storm, ’41 it does. That was a heavy one.” While the 81-year old Klein was sparse on details, he was adamant on one thing: storm brewery, or perhaps even a-brewery, was certainly in the making. assembled reporters at his front porch. “I can feel it in my bones, I can. Reminds me of the one we had back in 18 “Can’t rightly say when that storm’s going to hit, but it’ll be a big ‘un,” Klein reported. “I reckon it'll rattle the ol’ turnip cellar though, that’s for sure.” The news of this oncoming storm has taken the meteorology world completely by surprise. Officials with Environment Canada are dumbfounded as to how Klein, a former roofer and Korean War veteran, was able to detect an oncoming storm that millions of dollars of weather sensing equipment was unable to notice. “Well, we have been wrong before,” said David Phillips, a spokesman with the Meteorological Service of Canada. “Ever since we failed to predict the big storm in ’03, we’ve been really trying to improve our prediction systems.” The storm Phillips referred to was of course the Calgary Storm of 2003, predicted only by irate office worker Don MacNeil, who only moments before the storm hit, proclaimed that “this whole mess is such a shitstorm.” Unanswered questions still remain about Klein’s methodology and the exact circumstances which led to his amazing prediction. Klein remained evasive about his methods. “Well, I don’t know much about the weather or meteorologism, but I know a storm when it’s coming, yep,” he said from his porch. “And when Zeke [his dog] starts barking louder than usual, that tears it; I don’t remember there never being a storm that ol’ Zeke ain’t barked at. I guess it’s a good thing that my bum knee isn’t hurting, ‘cause if that happens, boy howdy, that means head for the hills.” Federal Minister of the Environment John Baird has expressed interest in further utilizing Klein’s amazing forecasting abilities. Baird has announced that if further research is promising, the government will earmark $18 to buy Klein a new rocking chair, and $1.7 million to create a double-doppler front porch for him to sit on.