Breaking mews > Has this year’s election gone to the dogs? Jessica Berget Contributor W: here at the Other Press are just as barking mad about this paw-residential election as you probably are, so we decided to sniff out some answers, dig up the truth and finally get to the bottom of the question on everyone’s doggone mind: Who will be the next paw- resident? Here with us today Dognald Ruff and Hillary Kitten. The OP: The first question is for Hillary Kitten. What is your solution to the economic turmeowl your country is in right now? Hillary Kitten: 'm going to do with our country’s debts what I do with my hairballs. Hack. Them. Out. What our country needs right now is free vet care, pet houses for the strays, and more spay and neuter clinics! All of these combined will help make our already great country purr-fect. The OP: Dognald, same question. Dognald Ruff: You know, I have solutions to this problem, great solutions, terrific solutions! Solutions so terrific they make toilet bowls look like vacuum cleaners. But what I really want to talk about is the mailmen; can we please talk about the mailmen? Don't make me beg. The mailmen are evil, they are ruthless, and they are destroying our food bowls. We have to unleash ourselves and howl against the mailmen to ensure the safety of our food bowls and our country. Illustration by Ed Appleby The OP: Very purr-suasive arguments. Secretary Kitten, I direct this question to you: Some would say you really let the cat out of the bag with your FleaMail scandal and are calling it “the worst display of modern paw-litics our country has ever seen.” How do you respond to these comments? HK: Well, I was contemplating this question earlier today as | was clawing my scratching post. I can assure you that I had no idea the level of severity of what I was doing. It was an un-fur- tunate mistake and to tell you the truth, I was really high on catnip at the time. But none of that compares to the dog-awful comments my opponent has made about “grabbing cats.” Do we really want a feline-hating canine like that running our country? All he does is bark and whine whenever he doesn’t get his way. How is he supposed to lead our people when he can’t even go out without a leash? If you actually research Ruff’s history, you'll find a trail of chewed-up sofas and poops that he has neglected to pick up. And is there a pillow this dog has not humped? Don't pet on it. The OP: Thank you Secretary Kitten. This actually segues us to our next question for Dognald. How do you respond to the allegations made against you and your “cat-grabbing” comments? DR: Folks, I’m a good dog, you know I’m a good dog. And I respect cats. No-one has more respect for cats than I do. I never chase them; I never growl at them; I never bite them. And Douglas student scarred for life by roommate's Halloween obsession > ‘She gets a little intense; said the victim Rebecca Peterson Humour Editor ouglas student Petera Becks bravely went public this past weekend after weeks of psychological torment at the hands of her Halloween- obsessed roommate. “It started back in September,” she said at a press conference on Saturday, as she clutched a blanket around her shoulders and shivered. “On September 24, she said, ‘Halloween starts next week!’ She was so excited. I thought she was just confused.” However, it was a warning sign, one that Becks failed to recognize before it was already far, far too late. “The decorations started going up that week,” said Becks, who had a haunted look in her eyes. “I mean, it wasn’t even October yet. Some of it was regular fall deco, but there was a disturbing amount of Nightmare Before Christmas in there, too. Then she came home from Canadian Tire one day, and her bags were just full of all these... Halloween things... I’m sorry, I need a moment.” While Becks collected herself, a Dr. Frank N. Stein- Munster came forward as part of an advocacy group for victims of the Halloween-obsessed: The Halloween-Obsessed Victim Advocacy Group. ns wu x > wn oO o << w) i) oc 8 > w a o £ “We don’t take this kind of thing seriously enough—if anything, we actively encourage this kind of behaviour,” said Dr. Stein-Munster. “Halloween merchandise goes on sale earlier and earlier, so it’s bound to lead to a kind of... societal confusion. Too often the real victims are those affected by the Halloween- obsessed: the ones who share house and home with them. We laugh—yeah, you, specifically, I can see you laughing over there—but it can have long- lasting psychological effects.” Becks returned to the microphone, pale but resolved. “I came downstairs on the first of October,” she had said in a hushed tone, “and I saw... I saw a skeleton. A life-sized skeleton. It was just sitting at the dining room table, wearing an apron—a Halloween apron. Where do you even get those?! And I screamed, and she came in and all she said was ‘Oh, I see you’ve met Ritz. The skeleton’s name is Ritz. ’m afraid to go home.” Becks promptly burst into tears, and had to be escorted off the stage. “By the time we intervened, it was a category 7 situation,” said Dr. Stein-Munster. “The decorations were everywhere, there was a bowl of Halloween candy on the table, and ‘Spooky Scary Skeletons’ was being played on repeat. By category 8 or 9, the Halloween- cats love me, they automatically like me. I know this because they always lick me. They don’t even wait, just lick. I’m like a cat magnet. I may have grabbed a few cats when I was a young woofer, but they love me and they know I’m a good boy, and when you're a good boy they let you do whatever you want. The OP: Interesting rebuttal Mr. Ruff. Onto the next question. Secretary Kitten, what would be your first act as paw-resident and why? HK: That is an excellent question, and one worth pursuing, just like a mouse on a string. And much like that mouse ona string I will tackle this question head-on. The first thing I would do as paw-resident, is abolish the litter box tax. Litter boxes are a right, not a privilege. The OP: This next question is for Dognal- HEY!! NO! BAD BOY! This interview was ended abruptly as Dognald Ruff defecated on the floor, walked in a circle a few times and then fell asleep. He is a very, very bad dog. obsessed turn their homes into haunted houses, and by category 10... well, you never want to see a category 10.” “I just want to raise awareness for people like me,” Becks concluded tearily. “You're not alone. There is help out there for you, and the Halloween- obsessed person in your home. You can get your life back.” The roommate, who would prefer to remain anonymous, was asked how she felt about her role in Becks’ trauma. Her response: “I don’t know why she’s surprised; she should know by now that everything in life is just a big set-up for Halloween. Christmas? Time to receive spooky gifts. Valentine’s? Finding your couples-costume partner. Birthday? Second Halloween. This is basic knowledge for people in this household, come on.” It’s apparent that the roommate shows no remorse for her actions, and will likely go on to traumatize more victims in the future if she is not stopped.