humour / 22

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Instagram introduces new filters to help trick
people into thinking you're cool and interesting

» Filter options include adding more friends and appearing less disappointing to your parents

Jacey Gibb
The Peak (NUW)

ocial media juggernaut

Instagram announced
earlier this week that it would
be adding a brand new series
of filters meant to further fool
your friends and acquaintances
into believing your life is a lot
more notable than it actually
is.

“Our users are some of the
most loyal, status-obsessed
individuals in the world,”
said Instagram’s co-founder
and CEO, Kevin Systrom,
following the announcement.
“We really wanted to reward
that insecurity, while
simultaneously feeding into
their fears that they might not
be as interesting as some of
their friends.”

Beginning October 7, like
a Uz album fluttering down
from the heavens to shake
your preconceptions about
smartphone privacy, eight new
filters will be automatically
downloaded to all existing
Instagram accounts. Among
them are: the “Michael Bay”
filter, which will add giant

: flames, fighting robots,

: and plenty of weak female

: characters to your photo; the
: “Amicus” filter, which adds

: anywhere between one to seven :
: friends, depending on the

: photo’s saturation levels; and
: the “Parent” filter, which will
: automatically alter the photo to :
: resemble someone your parents
: won't be ashamed to call their

: son or daughter.

“One of the filters

: we're most excited about is

: the ‘D-list’ filter,” Systrom

: continued. “By using

: Instagram’s global tracking

: system, we can determine

: which D-list celebrities live in

: your area and then insert them
: into the background of your

: photo, creating a completely

: fictional though entirely

: believable post that will have

: people thinking, “Wow, I can’t

: believe that person got a photo
: taken with Brandon Routh!”

: Response to the new lineup :
: of filters has been relatively

: positive, with fans of giant

: fighting robots citing the

: “giant fighting robots” as a big
: draw while Brandon Routh is

: reportedly just happy to hear

: people still sometimes think

: about him, even if it’s ina
: demeaning, D-list capacity.

However, there has been

: some pushback from social

critics, saying that the line of

: new filters might affect the
: way users view each other's
: Instagram accounts.

“People love Instagram

: because it’s easy and

: predictable,” SFU sociologist

: Brenda Fraser told the Peak.

: “Did you know that 58 per cent
: of photos on Instagram are of

: food or beverages? Or that nine
: per cent are shots of an airplane :
: wing from inside the cabin?

: This is the kind of predictable

: crap that users have grown

: accustomed to and love. If you

: start tampering with the filters,
: you'll be creating a whole new

: sector of content and there’s no
: telling how people will react.

: Then again, it can’t be worse

: than the #aftersex trend earlier }
: this year.”

In addition to the new

: filters, Instagram will also

: introduce a timer function that
: will allow users to delay and

: schedule posts for later, long

: after they’ve gone to bed.

Systrom explained:

: “Instead of staying out late and :

: posting pictures of their friends
: having fun, this new function

: will let people schedule their

: posts for1a.m., giving the

: illusion that they’re not already
: curled up at home, falling

: asleep while reading Ender’s

: Game for the fifth time.

: releases are going to change

: the way in which people use

: Instagram. Don't feel like

: putting up with your friends or
: loved ones? Just take a photo of
: yourself and slap the ‘Amicus’

: think you’re staying at home

: ona Friday night? Delay the

: posting until 1 p.m. and then
: go to bed early. Users will

: finally be free from the social
: obligation of ever having to

: leave their house or talk to

: people again. You hear me?

: We'll all be free. FREE!”

: losing any existing filters,

: Instagram has assured users

: that the new additions won't

: affect their old favourites and
: that the ‘Kelvin’ filter will still
: be very much be a part of the

: options, no matter how much
: you choose to ignore and hate

“We really think these new

 

filter on. Don’t want people to

 

For those concerned about

 

it.

 

It’s basically tall-which means It’s almost the winter of my life

» Changing of seasons spurs Douglas student's quarter-life crisis

Sharon Miki
Humour Editor
™4 humour
@theotherpress.ca

 

h, fall. The dry humidity

turns to damp humidity,
the leaves turn from green
to dusky yellow and burnt
tangerine, and students turn
from summertime sadness to
seasonal affective disorders.
Such is the case for second-
year Douglas College student,
Aubree Norres, who recently
came to a life-altering
realization while sitting in the
New Westminster campus’
library:

“I was looking out the
window, and it was raining,”
explains Norres, 20. “Suddenly,
I realized that that meant that
it’s basically fall now—summer
is over. That means that it’s
pretty much Halloween, and
once you get to Halloween
you're essentially at Christmas.
Christmas is the same as New
Year’s—next thing you know,

: it’s 2015! That means that it’s

: pretty much time for summer,
: and since it’s really summer

: 2015, I’m virtually 25. And 25 is
: the new 30, which nowadays

: isin essence the same as 40,

: which is middle-aged, and

: middle aged is almost elderly.

“So, looking out at the rain,

I realized that I’m only a few
: steps away from dying of old
: age ”

While some experts might

: say that Norres is indeed still

: only 20 and not, as she suggests,
: “already a rotting post-

: octogenarian living corpse,”

: Norres is firm in her beliefs.

“I’m trying not to get too

: bogged down in it; instead,

: I’m taking care of things, pre-
: registering for senior citizens’
: discounts, etcetera,” says

: Norres. “Because I’m basically
: almost too late for those!”

At press time, Norres was

: decades early in registering
: for her retirement—but two
: weeks behind in her college
: homework assignments.

J