issue 25 // volume 40

‘Good Student Monthly:
Male Edition’

» A not-so-retro guide

  

F’ julia Siedlanowska
| Staff Writer

in 2014 is no doubt trés
difficile, being a boy also comes
with its own set of challenges.
I noticed in our first edition of
the Good Student Monthly that
there was a specific etiquette
for girls and for boys, and that

issues regarding lifestyle choices
: and Saturday night after 1 a.m.

and dating rules needed to

be addressed separately. After
many years of experience and
consultation with professional
daters, here is a modest list

of advice and tips specifically
geared towards men seeking
women.

Dating:

In the club, don’t attempt
to talk toa girl. Just grind up
creepily behind her. If you do
this slowly enough, she won't
notice. It is sometimes helpful
to do this with a group of guy
friends to a small group of girls;
there is safety in numbers.
This way you do not need to
fear rejection, and you may
simply laugh if the unthinkable
happens. You can also ask your

The X-Men: Definitely Terrorists

Paul Proteus,
Contributor (Toike Oijke)

ou’ve heard of Al-

Qaeda, you've heard of
the IRA, but you probably
haven't heard of the so-
called “X-Men,” a terrorist
organization sweeping
western New York.

The X-Men are an army
of genetically altered humans

ranging in ages from as young:

as 13 to a staggering 250,
according to claims. These
mutants have been recruited,
or kidnapped in some cases,
by notorious social Darwinist
Charles Xavier. Xavier has

been preaching his doctrine of :
racism and eugenics, claiming :

that his breed of mutants, the : 5
: embezzled fortune of Warren :

: “The Brotherhood of Evil

: Mutants.” Xavier claims that

: this organization is dedicated
: to the eradication Homo

: sapiens, while the X-Men seek
: only peaceful coexistence.

A minimal amount of

so-called Homo Superior, are
unrivalled by the common
man, Homo sapiens.

Xavier and his cronies
have been reported
kidnapping young children
that they claim, unfounded,

feelings are hurt! You also will

It is always better to express

your emotions when you have
: had a few drinks! Feel free to
: express your true feelings and

desires with abandon Friday

If you have been texting a

: girl who you had formerly been
: interested in but have now lost

: interest, it is best not to address
: the issue up front—or at all.

: Just stop texting. This will make
life easier for everyone. Direct

: confrontation is not something
to be practiced.

Of course, if you are

: to have the “X-gene.” This
: army has been growing,

: and now includes fugitive
: and multiple-murderer

: James “Logan” Howlett.

: As well, it is funded by the

: Worthington III.

: Xavier claims that the

: X-Men are trying to help

: mutants become more adept
: at controlling and using their
: abilities; however, many

: witnesses have reported

to happy relationships & a happy life in 2014

: closest male friend to go in front :
: of the girl you have approached
: from behind and give youa :
: “thumbs up” if she is acceptable. :
: If it isa thumbs down, you can
: simply bob away and nobody’s
Aww being a young lady :
: have less unnecessary and time-
: consuming interaction.
: Texting:

yours.

: Online presence for men:

We all know that if you
don't have pictures of yourself

casually having a pint with

: friends, at a sporting event,

: club, or concert, a girl will fear
; that you do not lead an active

: lifestyle and are not social.

: A girl must have sufficient

: information to look through

: online when she is studying

: your Facebook, Instagram, or

: Twitter profile. Make sure you
: have an array of photos to look
: through that present you ina

: favourable manner; however,
limit your status updates and

: selfies so that you do not come
: offas effeminate.

If you do include selfies

on your profile, (which can aid

: in showing off your new body

: after a workout regimen) always
: include a self-ridiculing caption
: acknowledging the fact that

: interested ina particular girl, do :
: text her often. If she does not

: respond relatively quickly, try

: something like “Baby?” or “You
: there?” to ensure she doesn’t

: lose interest. Try to maintain

: conversation with starters

: like “Sup?” or “Hey” and add

: interjections such as “Totally”

: and “You got it.” She'll be all

you are making fun of the selfie

: convention. This way people

: will not think you are vain, self-
: absorbed, insecure or, again,
effeminate.

Follow and re-tweet

: intelligent and captivating

: quotes. Some sure-fire ones are
: from “I fucking love science”

: and “Word Porn.”

a 6

: Xavier’s “students” violently
: attacking other mutants and
: public property using their

: obviously lethal powers. He

: claims that these acts are

: necessary for the X-Men

to defeat their nemesis,

(Shortcuts aren't just for )

 

 

humour // 21

 

marathon runners

ACRONYMS THAT SHOULD EXIST

By Sharon Miki, Humour Editor

Asa writer, | often find myself tired—nay,
exhausted—after a long day's work of clicking the
mouse and typing the keys. As such, it would be
really convenient and ergonomic if everyone could
please start using a few acronyms for things that we
usually say long-from. In the spirit of being as open
as Lindsay Lohan's conquest list, here are a few
suggestions for acronyms that would make my life
easier.

ILJCE — | literally just can’t even

EMO — Email me only

LGSC — Let's get some cake

CC — Cray cray

IHTMSATGTT — | have too much social
anxiety to go to that

GOTT — Game of Thrones time
YATWAILHY WATFIMS — You are the
worst and | hate you with all the fire in my
soul

ILY — I like Yahtzee

UFAIHGAUHGADIRHT — Too drunk to

text properly

 

J

: of time by a large armory

: of firearms, machines, and

: deathtraps.

: Furthermore, it is obvious
: that this “Brotherhood of Evil
: Mutants” is a work of fiction.

: The name itself exposes the

: organization asa red herring.

: How can anyone believe that

: any organization would use

   

By www.unleashthefanboy.com

: investigative reporting proves
: this to be false.
Xavier is a clear
: proponent of selective
: breeding, and raising these
: isolated individuals on his
: private compound make the
: X-Mena borderline cult.
: At his “School for Gifted
: Youngsters” there is nota

classrooms—only a “Danger
: Room” where students are
: attacked for long periods

: “evil” in its own title?

It is crucial at this time

that we stay vigilant against

: the clear and present threat of
; the X-Men. Keep a lookout for
: individuals who are constantly
: on fire, made of ice, run super
: fast, can shoot lasers out of

: their face, can read your mind,
: can turn themselves to steel,

? can teleport, can transform
themselves into other people,

: can manipulate metal using

: only their mind, and/or have
knives protruding from their

: single certified teacher and no : hands. Keep your children

: close and do not, under any
: circumstances, send them to
any “gifted schools.”