Accounting
A class so inane and dull that many
people with previous careers as
undertakers take this class to help them
mellow out. Topics include; Numbers,
numbers with zeros, adding numbers,
subtracting numbers, numbers with 2
in them, and numbers. Not
recommended for those with slow
firing brains as coma may ensue.
Prerequisites: Must have Boredom

120

 

by
IStephen E. Coli

Athletics

,Running, jumping, throwing a ball.
Good. The class uses very small words.
It is fun. You can play. You can run.

 

 

Run run run. You can jump. Jump
jump jump. You can scratch your jock.
Scratch scratch scratch.

Prerequisites: Recommended (loose-
ly) that enrolled students can spell their
name and breathe on their own. For
200 level classes, students must not
drag knuckles on ground while walk-
ing. 300 level students must conquer
drooling.

hat is not afraid to tackle the
sues of life, such as sitting still
finding new ways to keep yourself

August 1998 Page 8  OPinion

awake. This course costs more because
of the lab where you will spend many
hours learning pertinent biology type
stuff from a cassette tape, and will
learn many life skills, such as pushing
the “stop” button and flipping the tape
over.

Prerequisites: Strong fingers for put-
ting tapes in drive.

Business Ethics
Quaintly called the oxymoron class.
Offered to suit those who cannot let
their dream die of opening the world’s
first Spaghetti-O Museum, but who
aren't fiscally responsible enough to
keep a goldfish alive. Also gives insights
on how to anally rape the guy up the
totem pole from you to make a profit,
how to employ slaves, and how to suck
off government officials to get grants
tastefully.

Prerequisites: Must have Delusion
320 and Social Lubrication (KY ver-
sion) 169

Career Management
A small credit course that involves you
in making decisions about your future
profession. Allows you to take many
exams and tests to find out you are
qualified to be a career management
counsellor. (Caution! Suicide rate
extremely high. Take with caution.)
Prerequisites: High pain threshold.

   
 
   
   
 
   
   
  
 
  
  
 
   
   

know everything about computer ‘
Course includes working in low
conditions and dealing with the $
implications of being a pasty whi
acne-ridden loser.
Prerequisites: Must supply own IV
bag of Jolt cola and have working
knowledge of the Klingon languag
Previous Dungeons and Dogon

rience a plus.

 

Criminology a
A class showing how to get around the
legal system when you've committed a
crime. Shows the ins and outs of the
law. A must for those enrolled in the
Crime major program. Also functions
as a launching point for lawyers.
Prerequisites: Four counts of grand
theft auto, or one count murder in the
first or second degree.

Ebonics (coming soon)
G’money ‘n’ homeys break to sorte fly
shit down in da hood with MC Zub-
Zub. Sittin’ in wit da honeys gettin’ life
shit from da teach in da hucci cueci
momma suit. Pasin’ grade is “C” for
Chillin’. S’up the 411 with doggy style
voodoo crapper, widdely widdely wack!
Prerequisites; Must supply own
pager and pants twelve sizes too lar e. 2
Bursaries for gold chains available. : :