—FERTURES-

 

 

 

Be Honest, You're Just Not That Into Him Either :A review from a reformed dater

Melissa Beedle, Features Editor

h, the dating life. Meeting
umpteen people you have
absolutely no connection with.

The awkward silence that occurs after
you’ve exhausted all avenues of shared
interest—or worse, when you discover
you have virtually nothing in common
and find yourself staring into the blank
eyes of a stranger across the table. Yes,
you know his name but that’s about all.
And you can’t quite remember why you
accepted the invitation in the first place.
Oh right, it was because you are still sin-
gle. An issue your family never ceases to
remind you of.

Last summer, I was a serial dater. I
went out on about five dreadful dates
until at last I dated this guy resembling the
Hunchback of Notre Dame (okay, he
wasn’t that bad, but he definitely had pos-
problems). It was a_ blind
date—apparently my friend had blinders
on at the time she set us up—did she real-
ly think he was my type? When I declined
his invitation for another date, he wrote
me a nasty email suggesting that I learn
how to give myself a proper pedicure. I
laughed it off. I had actually just ran out of
nail polish remover and saw his insult for
what it was—an attempt to assuage his
own wounded ego. The truth was: I
couldn’t care less, I wasn’t exactly into him
in the first place.

I have since given my dating life a big,
long hiatus and have taken to reading
humourous chick lit and watching Sex and
the City reruns whenever I need reminders
of how bad these dates were, which due
to my traumatizing experiences, is quite
rare. I remember all I need to.

But the other day as I was perusing the
shelves of Target’s book section awaiting
my friend to finish her credit-induced
shopping spree, I picked up a book called
Be Honest, You're Just Not That Into Him
Either by sex therapist Dr. Ian Kerner.
The title was amusing, and given the date-
free dry spell I had been on, I felt I could
use a little dating humour to laugh off my
reasons for “breaking free” in the first
place.

Dr. Kernet’s book is a rebuttal of the
infamous He’ Just Not That Into You, which
hit the Oprah airwaves last fall and has
attempted to tackle the recent (and per-
haps all-too-familiar) dating epidemic of
women settling for less than they deserve.

He’s Just Not That Into You is a light,
sometimes too-fluffy book, mocking
women who waste their time with some-
one who just isn’t into them in the first
place, provoking them to reach for more.

ture

March 23/2005

 

The book discusses all the signs we
women have seen. Men don’t call when
they say they will. Men laugh a little too
loudly. Even the way men chew their food
annoys us. And yet, oftentimes, we wait
around hoping that either the situation
will change or the men will. The biggest
point the reader is left with is that a guy
who doesn’t show interest is not necessat-
ily a jerk. That given the right woman, he
could actually become a changed man.
But the bottom line is this: It all depends
on whether or not he’s into you. I bought
the book, read parts of it, and took it
back. It wasn’t quite worth keeping.

Much of the book was common-sense
stories about women pitifully putting up
with a lot of shit and the author making
fun of them for being the doormats they
were. Stuff like yes, he’s a cheater. And
yes, we all realize that staying with him
would be stupid—not exactly earth-shat-
tering advice. Having read both books, I
can assure you the rebuttal, Be Honest,
You're Just Not That Into Him Either, is
much more intelligently written advice
from a sex therapist who may be onto
something: It’s not just that he’s not that
into you, Dr. Kerner urges us, it’s that
you’re just not that into him, either.

I must admit, at first I wasn’t too excit-
ed about a book that piggybacks an Oprah
pick. I thought that surely Dr. Kerner was
trying to bank on the success of He’ Just
Not That Into You, \acking his own original-
ity, and hardly meriting his own spot on

bookshelves. But while reading the book,
I was intrigued with his intelligent ideas
(you mean, there is nothing wrong with
holding out and succumbing to the single
life—even if your family complains about
it?). And Dr. Kerner boldly treads new
grounds with his blunt Sex and the City-
esque topics like how to “avoid the
booty-call blues and get the love—and
sex—you deserve!”

Kerner proves that gone are the days
of shaming women for being tisk tak-
ers—especially sexually. We are now living
in a time when honesty is shamelessly
encouraged and women’s needs and wants
are coming into full—albeit sometimes
too-full—view. Dr. Kerner argues that
women settle for a mediocre boyfriend
because “they like having their egos and
(and lower parts) stroked” and that before
they know it, they are hung up on the
jerks. Go figure.

Another point Dr. Kerner makes is
that as much as a woman can try to be
sexual like a man, biologically, she’s just
not wired that way. Getting physical
unfortunately correlates to forming some
sort of emotional bond, whether or not
she consciously realizes it. So, the author
urges women to be more discriminatory
and to please themselves in other ways
until such time as they find a man who
merits their attention. Perhaps Dr.
Kerner’s argument that “If women were
really disposed to have sex like men,
they'd be greater consumers of porn and

prostitution,” is not the best logic he
could have used. Nevertheless, this man
knows about more than the female’s psy-
che and biological hard wirings. He does
not suggest that women should be
ashamed of wanting to “be on top” in
more than one way. Instead, he encour-
ages women to trust their gut instincts
from the get-go and stop wasting time
with all the “mean-timer” men and save
their energy for bigger and _ better
prospects.

What isn’t so cool about Dr. Kerner’s
book is when he refers to men as rats and
women as voles in what appears to be an
attempt to fawn women’s egos and rein-
force the stereotype that a good man is
hard to find. It’s ironic that Dr. Kerner
implies that his book is supposed to
debunk stereotypes, when he ends up
reinforcing a few of his own. But all in all,
this book is a very good, witty read that
will leave you with something to think
about.

So, what will you find in Be Honest,
You're Just Not That Into Him Either Ideas
for how to raise your standards so you can
reach for love. A Sex Glossary—complete
with all the things you didn’t know and
your mother definitely would not have
told you. Advice about what to do when
your clock is ticking—which really made
me laugh because it wasn’t exactly some-
thing I had thought of, but good to know
there are always artificial options.

Dr. Kerner also discusses why having
the sexual attitude of a man might not be
as freeing as originally assumed, and how
to survive all your friends’ weddings while
you patiently look for Mr. Right (complete
with the prospect of hiring an escort). We
learn why men chase and retreat, and how
you can overcome an addiction to love—
useful and encouraging information. And
finally, why you should dump the dude
and prepare for your prince. This book is
as entertaining as it is informative. And
after all, isn’t knowledge power?

Even if you're married, you might
enjoy the information about the mysteries
of the male psyche. For me, Dr. Kerner
reinforced something I already intuitively
knew. There is no such thing as finding
love. You can search every bar high and
low but usually the only thing you'll end
up doing is lowering your own bar.
Ultimately, it is love that finds you and not
the other way around. I no longer feel so
guilty about spending Saturday night at
home doing laundry and watching Sex and
the City reruns. Thank you, Dr. Kerner.

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