BREAKING NEWS:

Class ended five minutes ago

> ‘Why are we still here’ ask many students

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

 

his is the Other Press news
correspondent Pete Beckson,
coming to you live from a fifth
floor computer lab. Reports are
coming in from every available
timepiece in the vicinity, leaving
us to come to one inevitable
conclusion: This class did, in fact,
end five minutes ago, at 9:20 p.m.
“The prof just opened a new
Powerpoint presentation,” whispers
student Kerri Awn. She tries to quietly
start packing up her things, clearly
hoping the professor will take the
hint, but he doesn’t seem to notice.
“I don’t think he realizes what time
it is. I’m going to miss my bus!”
Many students are starting
to get nervous in here, glancing
to one another and whispering in
small groups. No one seems brave
enough to point out the time to
the professor, who’s now beginning
a lecture on the next chapter of
the $400 textbook the class was
told to purchase at the start of the
semester. There’s a chance we could
be stuck in here for the next hour.
“Doesn’t he have somewhere
to be, too?” asks a student behind
me. He’s tapping his pen nervously
against his desk. “Like, ’'m assuming
he has to sleep at some point. Or
eat. This is a three-hour class and
we haven't had a break, I can’t be
the only one here who’s starving.”
He isn’t. I’m seriously
considering gnawing my own arm
off for sustenance, and judging by
the somewhat horrifying sounds
coming from the other side of the

room, at least one of our classmates
has resorted to cannibalism.

But look! A brave student
has put her hand up. Could this
mark an end to our suffering?

The prof barely glances her way,
and makes the following statement:

“Please hold all questions
until the end of class.”

There’s a solid chance that
were all going to die in here.

If anyone is listening to this
report, PLEASE come save us. It
is now 10 minutes since class has
“ended,” and the situation is getting
desperate. There are 21 souls in
this room, all praying for divine
intervention. I barely have the
strength to continue this broadcast.

There’s a new development from
the south-west corner. It appears
the students there have elected a
revolutionary leader. A flag is being
drawn on binder paper and taped to
aruler, and a small band of students,
with desperation in their eyes,
look ready to overthrow the prof
and make a break for freedom—

The prof stops speaking, and
everyone holds their breath.

He issues the following statement:

“Oh, would you look at that! It’s
9:35. Class ended 15 minutes ago
everyone, why are you all still here?”
Students are falling to the floor,
weeping. The burgeoning revolution
seems to be utterly squashed by this
statement. It appears the situation
has resolved itself. I would stick
around to gather more information,
but I gotta get home—How to Get
Away With Murder is on tonight.
This has been Pete
Beckson with the Other Press
news, New Westminster.

 

 

 

 

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inappropriate

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13)

None of us are getting into heaven, only dogs

> ‘Everyone else kind of sucks, declares Catholic Church

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

 

[? a stunning yet somewhat
unsurprising statement on
Sunday, the Catholic Church
proclaimed heaven to be off-limits
to all species, save canines.

“Let’s face it, humanity just doesn’t
deserve a chance at the afterlife,”
sighed Douglas College Archbishop
Reverend J. Carnarvon, in a statement
to the Other Press on Monday. “There’s
only so much confession can do for
us. Only so many Hail Marys. You
know what I mean? After a while
you just kind of have to accept that
we're kind of a garbage species.”

The Pope explained a dog’s
eligibility for sainthood and life-
everlasting by expounding upon their
“unending loyalty, unconditional love,

and overall sweetness” in a speech

delivered at the Vatican over the

weekend. Many Catholics worldwide

seem to agree with this assessment.
“I mean, think about it,”

wrote Catholic blogger

John Luke-Peter.

“Would you even

want to go to

heaven, if you

knew it was just

chock-full of

people? Sounds 3
more like hell a
than anything else. Ss.
Even if we aren’t all %
exactly murderers “og

and liars—okay,

were all liars, that’s a

given—we are all at the

very least incredibly annoying. |
don’t want to spend an eternity with

  

people who budge in line, or who text
through movies without dimming
their phone screen. We don’t deserve
heaven. Heaven deserves dogs.”
“Well, personally, I think
it’s absurd,” said cat
enthusiast and prize-
winning doily maker
Anna Dobson
via her YouTube
channel. “Dogs are
sloppy, slobbery,
uncoordinated
messes with
emotional
dependency issues.
Cats are sleek and
well-groomed, and
incredibly elegant. They
love people in their own
way. Why should they be left out of
heaven? And I’m talking about cats

specifically here, | don’t think that
anyone’s trying to argue that humans
should go to heaven. We've all kind
of screwed the pooch on that one.”

(At that moment, one of Dobson’s
cats jumped on her computer keyboard,
knocked her camera to the floor, and
smacked her in the face with its claws.)

“Okay, never mind,” Dobson
conceded moments later, as she righted
her camera and pressed tissues to her
bleeding face. “I love cats, but cats
are dicks. They're totally dicks. All
dogs go to heaven; I get it. No, Felix,
do not furball on my—goddammit!”

There is no word on how this
will affect future Catholic masses
and rituals, but a new rule has
been passed down by the Vatican
stating that banning dogs from
church grounds is an offence
punishable by excommunication.