issue 28 // volume 42 humour // no. 23

All Asian actors and actresses
abducted by aliens

> Hollywood studios forced to cast white actors in Asian

roles instead

Rebecca Peterson
Staff Writer

 

he arts world was shocked

to the core this past week to
learn that every single actor of
Asian descent, young and old, has
been abducted by aliens.

This announcement from
Hollywood came in answer to the
many questionable casting choices
made these past months, from
casting Tilda Swinton as a Tibetan
character in the upcoming Marvel
movie Doctor Strange, to casting
Scarlett Johansson as a character
named Motoko Kusanagi in
Ghost in the Shell, even exploring
options to make her appear “more
Asian’ on film.

In light of the public backlash
over these decisions, John Smith,
a Disney executive, spoke to
reporters this past week to deliver
the horrifying news.

“If there were any Asian
actors, you know, we'd totally cast
Asian actors,” Smith said, with an
odd laugh. “We’re not racist or
anything. The fact of the matter
is, we needed actors that would
attract audiences, and Asian
actors, well...”

Smith trailed off awkwardly,
causing the press to ask where
exactly he was going with that
sentence. “They’ve all been
abducted,” he said shortly. “So
there are actually no Asian

 

actors left. At all. It’s really very
unfortunate.”

Many reporters pressed for
scientific evidence of the mass
abduction of Asian performers,
but have so far been denied this
request.

When asked how this sudden
loss of all Asian actors might affect
the film industry, Smith produced
yet another odd laugh.

“I mean, it is unfortunate, but
it’s not like we've really needed
them anyway, right?” Smith said,
shrugging. “Hollywood has a long,
proud history of making due
with the actors we've got, and the
public has been very accepting
of that. Honestly, implying that
white people can’t play diversified
roles is really just its own kind of
racism, isn’t it? Why should white
people be pigeonholed into white
roles? Just look at that recent
Christian Bale movie, Exodus.
They cast a Welsh guy as a Middle-
Eastern person and an Australian
as an Egyptian, and it turned out
just fine!”

 

Tilda Swinton viascreenrant.com

It was promptly pointed out
to Smith that Exodus: Gods and
Kings tanked, largely in part to the
white-washing of the main cast.

“Oh, well, what about
Stonewall?” Smith said. “I mean,
the people who originally started
the Stonewall Riots that the movie
is based on were transgender
women of color, but they cast a
bunch of cisgender white men,
and-”

The reporters pointed out
that Stonewall, too, tanked
horrifically at the box office.

“Well,” Smith said
uncomfortably. “Remember when
M. Night Shyamalan produced a
live action version of Avatar: The
Last Airbender?”

Reporters at the press
conference promptly began
throwing tomatoes at Smith,
who was forced to flee the stage.
Upon his hasty exit, Smith was
overheard saying the following
to an advisor: “I don’t think they
bought it. We're going to have to
come up with something else.”

 

 

by David Manky, Senior Columnist

wd Stop... we corvld {fc y |
be seafir

 

 

 

Students parting out
textbooks to avoid
bookstore buyback

> One hundred fifty per cent increase

in return

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor

 

Sn students have found
a way around the robbery
of the end of semester
bookstore buyback, and
have taken to the Internet to
enlarge their community.
“Textbook junkyards”
are popping up all over the
internet, with many students
taking it upon themselves
to buy back their classmate’s
books, and they're managing
to do it at a price higher than
that offered by the book store.
Clyde Jackson, a second
year student in Douglas
College’s creative writing
program, has been buying
all the textbooks that he
can get his hands on during
the end of the year.
“It’s pretty easy, actually.
I just sit myself down in from
the of the bookstore and tell
students looking to sell back
their books that I can give
them twice as much as what
the bookstore is giving them,”
Jackson said. “They usually
walk out of there with books
that they paid hundreds of
dollars for, refusing the $15
offered by the bookstore.
Jackson said that his new
model of textbook resale is
what keeps him in business.
“T call it parting out the
book, like you would a car.
Any book is made of parts:
Chapters, poems, diagrams,
you name it. No one needs the
whole damn book, and no one

   

wants to pay for something
they’re not going to use.”
Jackson has been
cutting out and rebinding
the different parts of the
textbooks, and selling them in
multiple packages far below
the rate of the book itself.
“Tt’s all about knowing
which part will run well—
sorry, read well—with
each specific class.”
While this method
may seem like a lot of
work, Jackson said that it
averages out to roughly $25
an hour for him, once all
the parts have been sold.
“And I tell you, they
will be sold. I’ve already got
two employees under me,
running the lines by the books
store. We're even starting
to get some competition
with other students doing
the same. Desperate times,
desperate measures, and
all of that,” Jackson said.
The college is furious
with the new buyback
scheme, and Scrooge Duff,
the management head of
the college bookstore, said
that the Textbook Junkyards
were costing him a fortune.
“How am I supposed to
afford another yacht if there
aren't enough books to resell
to these kids for 500 per cent
profit?” Duff asked during
an interview. “Oh, these
kids can’t afford to buy from
the bookstore? What are
they spending their student
loans on anyways, food
and shelter? Ridiculous.’

Image via thinkstoc