You can stand under my umbrella

» Vancouver issue brings changes to law

: concerning poked out eyeballs,
: hurt feelings, and the occasional
: fist fight resulting from bad

: personal space-awareness.

: To combat this, the RCMP
: has implemented strict laws

: enforcing umbrella etiquette

: on the streets of Vancouver.

: Those caught violating the

: new umbrella laws will be

: subject to fines from $170 to,

: in cases of extreme rudeness,

? a mandatory minimum

: sentence of 3 years in prison.

: “I think it’s great that the

: police are finally stepping up to
: do something about this,” said
: Vancouverite Beatrice Dryle.

: “Too many times have I been

: walking along the sidewalk

: and then some inconsiderate

: a-hole forces me off the walkway
: with his oversized umbrella!

: I've had it! Lock ’em all up!”

: Those looking to escape

: the cold, dark solitude of a

: prison cell need to follow these
: guidelines set up by the RCMP:

    
 

Chandler Walter

Veo is knownasa
rainy city (suck it, Seattle)
and as such there is one daily
item that many Vancouverites
will never leave their houses,
apartments, or dorm rooms
without: an umbrella.
Unfortunately, however,
not many who tote such objects
seem to have any idea how to use
them. While most are capable of
grasping the idea that holding
it—open!—above one’s own
head creates a sanctuary from
cold wet drops, there is a much
larger and deeper understanding
of umbrellas at work that goes
unknown to many walking
Vancouver's damp sidewalks.
Namely: etiquette. As soon
as October and November roll
around on the West Coast,
Vancouver police and hospitals

bea dick.
Even with the simplicity

: of these new regulations, the
: police are sad to report that

: upwards of 350 people have

: been locked up or fined, even
: with this being only the first day
: of the new laws taking place.
: “I just don’t know what

: to say,” said Constable Rick

: Reamsway. “I didn’t think it

 

 
 

are up to their damp hair in cases: * Literally just don’t would be this bad. People
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by David Manky, Senior Columnist

 

 

 

: were hardly even moving their
: umbrellas out of the way as other :
: people with umbrellas walked by. :
: The collisions were devastating.
: I saw... this might be too graphic
: to say... okay, saw someone geta :
: drip of rain right down the back
: of their neck. It was terrifying.”

: Evidently, Reamsway immediately :
: tasered and arrested the man :
: whose umbrella had committed
: the atrocious act, though that

Image via thinkstock

: brought little solace to the victim.

The Vancouver PD hopes
that the city will eventually

: clean up their act, but until that
: time they will continue to fine,

arrest, and brutalize all those

: they see breaking Vancouver's
: newest and most important law.

This is a satirical piece that

: has nothing to do with any of
: the actual named parties.

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