NHL to Institute Further Rule Changes: New League Promises to be Better than Ever By Iain W. Reeve, OP Sports Dood The NHL competition committee held a press conference this past week to announce the new rule changes that will be going into place for the 2006/7 season. While the rule changes that were enacted in the post-lockout NHL have generated large amounts of controversy, the new rule changes promise to open the game up and allow for more excitement.and competition than ever before. The follow- ing rules will soon be as normal to fans as pucks, nets, and over priced hot-dogs: Dimensions of the Rink To allow for greater competition and excitement, the existing NHL rink will be expanded into the new double rink formation. Imagine one rink layered on top of another in a “t” formation. This will allow two games and four teams to play simultaneously. While for most of the game the teams will only be able to play against the team across from their net, during the last five minutes of each period teams will be able to score on any net they choose. This will make the neutral zone more contentious than ever. Thus it will be declared a “no mans land” where no penal- ties can be called. This will increase flow and speed. Icing the Puck The infamous no-touch-icing rule will be in effect in the new NHL season. However, small gutters will open up when the puck is iced, swallowing the puck up. Once cap- tured, a fan chosen at random will be able to pull a spring- loaded release, firing the puck back into the game with no stoppage of play. Fewer stoppages, faster game, better hockey. Instigator Rule sion and size of fines for instigators has been deemed too complicated. A mote intuitive system will be put in place next year. The following equation will be used: x is the number of instigator penalties against the player, y is the number of goals they have scored this season, / is the number of fans who attended the last game, and a is the number of hot dogs sold in the season up to this point. (X + Y)-—1 + BA x 1000 = length of suspension in games — 106 Goaltenders Goalie’s pad sizes will not be changed. However, during | the second period pads must be turned inside out. Also, a $10,000 fine will be levied against any goalie whose mask is deemed “harsh lame” by referees/style judges. To allow goalies to better protect themselves, they will be allowed to attach a 9” blade to the end of their stick. The other team may, at any time, request that the opposing goalies blade may be measured. If it is longer than regulation, a two- minute blade infraction penalty is called. Lastly, the trape- zoid will be replaced with the more visually pleasing rhom- bus. Officiating Points of Emphasis Besides the addition of “no mans land,” refs will be encouraged to create penalties at will and attempt to influ- ence the outcomes with their superior knowledge of the game. Soon it will be common place for a ref to be conve- niently knocked unconscious by a steel chair only to miss an essential penalty call against their favourite team. Also, to encourage good fights that do not have a clear instiga- tor, in the new NHL only the loser of fights goes to the Shootout Due to the mixed reaction of the shootout and the NHL’s image as a brutal, heartless sport, the shootout will be replaced by a one-on-one ice dance. Each team will select their most graceful player to compete in a two- minute short program against the other team’s lead prancer. This will be the main pillar of the NHL’s attempt to increase their female audience. The current system of determining lengths of suspen- _ penalty box. Oh man, I totally spaced on writing something for International Women’s day this year. It wasn't out of a lack of respect or anything, it’s just that I was really busy on March 8th—I had to get my nails done and my breasts augmented, and it’s not like my fiancé’s dinner was going to cook itself. But I have some extra time right now, so I will use it to honour the inspirational women in my life. There are many strong female role models to choose from, but since my space is limited (by the ma/e editor of this publication), I will narrow it down to three. 1. Paris Hilton © Ms. Hilton has taught me so many. things. Like how you don’t need talent and a strong work ethic to become famous as long as you have a rich father and a poorly guarded homemade porn collection. But Paris is much more than a wealthy whore. She’s also helped me to understand that dogs should be viewed as fashion accessories rather than loyal companions; that skinny, blonde, and dumb trumps healthy, natural, and smart any day; and that pink is the new pink. That’s hot. 2. All the women who have ever gone on The Maury Povich Show to find their “baby daddy.” These women are living, breathing (breeding) examples of what the sexual revolution was all about. We modern-day gals have enough on our plates—what with all the voting and working outside of the home—we can’t be expected to remember little details like birth control and which sperm sired which offspring. The good people at The Maury Povich Show under- stand this, which is why they generously offer free paternity tests to girls like us. And free eC, . ite Last Call Amanda Aikman, OP Columnist trips to New York as well—score! All we have to do in return is exploit our illegitimate children on national television while we engage in catfights with the white-trash mothers of our many, many former sexual partners. It’s totally win-win. 3. Lindsay Lohan/Mary-Kate Olsen/Nicole Richie Yes, I know there are three of them, but because their combined body weight is less than one average person, they technically still count. I would like to thank these beautiful young ladies for helping me to realize just how morbidly obese I am. The way they got off their fat asses and managed to shed every last ounce of flesh from their bones has been truly inspirational. For years, most female role models have been too smart, too accomplished, and, let’s face it—too ugly. But the impressionable young fans of these three babes don’t have to fret about unattainable things like brains and achievements. No, they’ve learned to focus on something they can actually control—their bodies. Forget what you learned in health class, ladies, with an exclusive diet of speed and Marlboro Lights, you can be pretty one day, too. Honorable Mention This one goes to my mother, without whom I would never have learned these two valu- able lessons: If you give your husband the silent treatment long enough, eventually he will buy you something expensive; and “your brothers don’t have to help with dishes because they’re boys.”