Tom Laws and Holly Keyes erhaps you were not fortunate P enough to get to the I-want-to- be-trendy-but-I-can't-afford-a- Hummer show at BC Place last weekend. Unfortunately, I was able to go. Also called the Outdoor Adventure Show, it was filled to the brim with — trendy, outdoor information, and stuff you can buy by taking out a mortgage on your home. Three friends and I attended, hoping for a cornucopia of nifty neato junk we eould look at. Even a reasonable hand drawn facsimile of a show would have done. Upon entering BC Place, we grabbed a map of what was up. There were parenting classes, over-priced North Face gear, and a little something extra for those of you who just can’t get through the day without doing something stupid. For the latter of you, there was the hit f the exhibition (the attraction which drew the most people) a cartoon video about BMX racing. We moseyed over to this booth to see the video. Then it was lon to the half-pipe ramp to see some real BMX racing, and we could draw a finite tie to the fact that the video was adly done and the fact that BMX racers ‘ound it so interesting because they wear 0 helmets while they ride because of huge amount of scar tissue built up in their skulls replacing their brains. ost of the riders were men, adding to r suspicions that their brains had been roded. If any guy has ever seen a rider ipe out on that bike seat, you'll know actly what I’m talking about. Al- ough, would it really be that great if hey did spawn? Why add to the rainless population? Onto the ramp following the bikers ere the rollerbladers proving to us that ‘ou can be equally stupid with four imes as many wheels. After all was said d done, both teams retired for a PAM- n-a-ziplock-bag and Sudafed chaser. We were on to the rest of the exhibit, o take a look at the booths, the most mpressive of which was “Apex security.” en I think of the great outdoors, curity comes screaming to my mind. I ow it does for you too. This week we preview Group C—Franee, Den- mark, South Afriea and Saudi Arabia. The French squad qualified automatically as hosts; their most recent match was a 1-0 win over Spain. The Danes are the 1992 European Cup champi- ons, and are bringing a new attacking style to the World Cup. This is the first World Cup for the South Africans who are riding the momen- um of making the Afri- ean Cup final. This is the second World Cup in a row for the Saudis; however, they are ad- justing to a new coach. sports@op.douglas.bc.ca Comparing Hummers There were many “new gear” booths full of over-priced, useless stuff like Killer Loop’s “Snoggles” which are leather trimmed ski goggles. You'd think that they would have had the insight to bring out a new brand of cereal or something with their great name. “Killer Loops, the new cereal from Killer Loop. Now with rusty saw blades. Collect them all!” There were people who did bring along new food products in the form of energy bars. Energy bars, for ye philistines, are those things that trendy outdoor people stuff in their faces rather than eating normal food. With tastes like “Chocolate Espresso” to cash in on the Vancouver trend, “Abnormal Genetically Altered Fish Urine,” and “Dung Infested Spatula Roadkill” there was a flavour for everyone. But, they all taste like some sort of condensed drywall putty with just a hint of nutmeg. Also in the “new gear” section were the new Kevlar hiking boots, which could come it quite handy. If, for instance, someone is shooting at you, you can leap into karate moves and block all the bullets with the Kevlar boots. Very useful, and worth every cent of the $200+ you can pay to wear them around the city. The apprehension was getting more and more apparent in our group as we neared the almighty Saskatchewan display showing all the splendour that is Saskatchewan. Tours included “Watch your dog run away for a week” and “Waving to people in Winnipeg from Saskatoon.” According to information I have just made up, Saskatchewan has put in a bid for the next Summer Olympic Games by promising to unveil their newest demonstration sport: Tying your shoe. Not altogether surprising, BMxX racers are from Saskatchewan. With our stomachs still all a flutter after our tour of Saskatchewan (the original name for Chewbacca) we went to see the Vancouver Orienteering club (or the finding your way around with a compass club) to see what it was all about. They had a wonderful ’70s video going, in which people were always carrying a compass around lest all the street signs come crashing down in a fiery apocalyptic Armageddon. But the true value of this club was understated. The real value of this club is that it gets kids off the streets, and into the wilderness where large mammals can eat them. The club is designed for those kids who aren’t rich enough to afford the huge bills fromthe Internet to become pasty white Jolt addicts in chat rooms. And for kids who haven't slipped far enough below the legal “Loser” line to go to Star Trek conventions and debate whether Kirk or Picard has the bigger libido, and which has slept with more three breasted Glaings from Froqyem. It’s also for those that crave a group environment but don’t have the high intellect or social skills needed to play. Dungeons and Dragons. Coincidentally, most of the children herded by the Orienteering club are offspring from ex- BMX half pipe riders. Not to be outdone by any bike riders, the promoters put on a parenting seminar, designed to illustrate to parents how NOT to raise a child. It was disguised as a climbing wall, but the crack investigative team from the Other Press soon discovered the underlying statement. It showed how to let your 5 and 6 year old kids scale up a 50 foot wall while Donny Hormone, whom parents have never met before and could be a nice man from Riverview, holds onto their life, which in turn is attached to a little piece of rope, while Donny scopes out chicks. “Don’t do what Donny Don’t does” was the theme, and well taken. The “Trykes” booth was the next stop on the tour, where a demonstration on how to ride a three wheeled bike was given. This is one of those sports endorsed by “Trendy SMACK Addict Monthly” magazine in that you don’t have to have any sort of skills like balance, thus allowing oneself to concentrate on finding new ways to kill yourself, It ties in nicely with the other parenting seminar: Get your kids involved in a sport where there is potential for growth. After mastering the Tryke and breaking every bone in their body, they can quickly move onto BMX racing where they can finish the job right by destroying every organ in their World Cup: a preview Hamish’s Predictions Denmark (24) x The Euro 92 champs should easily win this group. Goalkeeper Peter Schmeichel and midfielder Michael Laudrup have almost 200 caps between them, anchoring what will be a tough squad to score against. The Danes might have a problem scoring as their forwards are very young and have almost no international experi- ence. Denmark's history in the World Cup may bode well for them—they made the final in the only other World Cup they qualified for (1986). France (6) x Considering the number of tickets that FIFA has allocated to the French for the World Cup, the host squad will have a decided advantage wherever it plays. The pivotal game for the French is on June 18 against Saudi Arabia. Even though the French appear to be superior to the Saudis, they will have to be on their toes or risk not making the second round. If the French do fail to make the round of 16, it will mark the first time in World Cup history that the host country failed to make it past the first round. Saudi Arabia (32) At World Cup USA in 1994, Saudi Arabia surprised everybody and made it to the round of 16. This year, however, the Saudis won't be sneaking up on anybody. Saudi Arabia is also in a transitional phase as they had a coaching change in mid- November, The match against the French on June 18 is critical for the Saudis if they want to make it past the first round. Surprisingly, the Saudi Arabian players have more in international experience than their French counterparts, however, they have not played in as many big games. South Africa (36) As this is the first World Cup for the South Africans, a last place finish is predicable but not preordained. If South Africa can beat Saudi Arabia on June 24, they have a good chance of coming in third in this group. The defense is experienced in international play (156 caps between their top four defenders), but South Africa’s goalkeepers will be hard pressed to stop anything that slips by the defense. * 7 . Sports coordinator Hamish Knox tries out the wall at the Outdoor show. Dave Tam photo body as well! It promotes family wellness and togetherness. Hospital time will be family time in no time! A true bonding moment will be yours when everyone can ride in the ambulance to the hospital to have Timmy’s spleen removed from his left nostril. Next year, make sure to get out to the show so you can let everyone in greater Vancouver know that you too can be trendy. Make sure to bring a bazillion dollars to buy that mountain bike with shock absorbers (which everyone needs riding on asphalt). Or just cut your genitals off, grind them into some sort of Bulgarian sausage, and join the fun on the BMX half-pipe! Homan’s Predictions France (6) x This year’s host of the World Cup have a tougher group than most people think. Zinidine Zidane and Youri Djorkaeff will need to be at their best for France to win the group. Luckily, France has a very strong defensive corps. Led by AC Milan’s Marcel Desailly and Chelsea's Franck Leboeuf, France’s defense will not be a problem. However, France needs to score goals to win the group. France’s best finish in the World Cup was third in 1958 and 1986. Denmark (24) x ESPN announcers said, “France has a dream group.” What the hell are these guys taking about? Americans obviously don't know anything about soccer. Denmark will be a tough challenge for France. With the Laudrup brothers (Michael and Brian) the midfield and the forward position will be secure. In goal, Peter Schmeichel will be very hard to beat. Denn:ark has never made it past the first round, but Denmark should make it to the next round. Saudi Arabia (32) This is Saudi Arabia's second straight World Cup. In USA ’94, they advanced to the Round of 16. Saudi Arabia doesn’t have a star player. They work together very well as a team. If Saudi Arabia wins their first game against Denmark, the Saudis could advance to the Round of 16. South Afriea (36) This is South Africa's first ever World Cup. South Africa is a young and very inexperienced team, but they will compete in this group. The player to watch from South Africa is the 20-year-old forward Benedict McCarthy. McCarthy scored four goals against Namibia two weeks ago in the African Nations Cup. South Africa is too inexperienced to make it to the playoffs, but they will be the team of the future. The Other Press March 4, 1998 7