The “Other” News

“Salty” Liam Britten
saltyliam @ gmail.com

 

 

Nerds denounce Nintendo decision to exclude
the ‘Duckhunt’ dog from ‘Smash Bros. Brawl’

“Sa Ity”
Liam Britten

resident all-star

     
 

NEW WESTMINSTER, BC—The new
Nintendo video game Super Smash Bros.
Brawl has left nerds everywhere feeling
betrayed by the Nintendo Corporation.

Super Smash Bros. Brawl, often
referred to simply as Brawl, is a recent
addition to Nintendo’s Wii lineup. Brawl
isa fighting game featuring several dozen
popular Nintendo characters and settings
spanning the entire history of Nintendo
games; yet some dorks say the game is
still not complete.

“Why the hell is the dog from Duck
Hunt not in Super Smash Bros. Brawl?”
asked Douglas Student and nerd Brian
Daniels. “Hell, the game only has 41
characters, there was definitely room for
more! I feel we have been betrayed by
Nintendo, just like Celes betrayed Locke
in Final Fantasy III.”

The nameless dog character, who
appeared solely in the 1985 Nintendo
Entertainment System hit Duck Hunt,
had been long been touted by basement
dwellers across the globe as a possible
playable character in the new Brawl along
with such other forgettable characters as
the Fat Skater from Ice Hockey (1988),
King K. Rool from Donkey Kong
Country (1994), Epona from Legend
of Zelda: the Ocarina of Time (1998),
and the disembodied floating hand from
Mario Paint (+992).

“Brawl had so much potential, but

Nintendo squandered the opportunity,”
Daniels lamented. “Why couldn’t they
include the best Nintendo characters?
The one.no one remembers
but the most hardcore of
hardcore fans! Characters

“I feel we have

roster, the dog from Duck Hunt elicited
the strongest feelings. However, while
many dorks and wankers were adamant
in their support for the
inclusion of the character,

few could justify at its
like Rob Haywood from been betray ed by inclusion.
1080° Snowboarding Nitendo just as “Well, uh, he could
[1998], the gay guys from laugh at you and stuff,”
Super Spike V’Ball [1990], Celes betray ed Daniels proposed after
or Harry the robot from Locke.” being asked how the dog

that Virtual Boy game
Teleroboxer [1995]. The possibilities
were endless!”

While many characters were put
forth as potential additions to the Brawl

(if |
ee Mae ft

would fit into the fighting

game. “And if a duck ever died during
the fight, he could totally pick it up.”

Geeks are not completely united in

their demands for the dog. Some dinguses

fe {

eh ula

wanted other characters to be included
in the game, but they universally felt an
opportunity had been wasted.

“Brawl was a complete failure, no
doubt; I don’t think I’m going spend
more than 20, 30 hours a week playing
this game tops,” said Justin Wright, a
nerd from Port Coquitlam. “And where
the fuck is Nigel Carver from Wave Race:
Blue Storm [2001]? That guy ruled!”

Although Nintendo of America was
not available for comment, they did
release brief statement to fans, urging
them to “get a fucking life.”

      

 

Douglas student's paper on minimalism
ublished in linguistics journal

y Liam Britten

NEW WESTMINSTER, BC—An English paper
by Douglas College student Lena Parsons, entitled
Minimalism in English Poetry, was published this
month in the Cambridge Journal of Linguistics.

“The paper was great,” said Nigel Fabb, editor.

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