COQUITLAM THIS WEEK

 

 

 

 

Coquitlam Proclaims Independence,
Separates from Canada

By Brady Ehler, Coquitlam Rep.

Inashocking speech held at an impromptu
assembly at City Hall last Thursday, for-
mer Coquitlam Mayor, Jon Kingsbury,
proclaimed himself Emperor.

Kingsbury’s declaration was met with
fervent applause and fanatical cheering by
the thousands in attendance. After several
minutes, after the applause died down,
Kingsbury went on to make an epic
speech that will go down in the history
books:

“We Coquitlamites are blessed to live in
the greatest city in the world. Coquitlam is
known around the globe for its high cul-

OF COQUITLAM

(In the Sky)

ture, sophistication, and of course, the
renowned Coquitlam Centre Mall. Every
nation on Earth knows that citizens of
Coquitlam are among the most peaceful,
refined, and best-dressed people in the his-
tory of civilization. And I am sure that
advanced civilizations from outer space
study our culture as a model of something
that all societies should strive to be. We
Coquitlamites are a breed apart. We are a
flock of swans among pigeons, finches,
and carrion-eaters. Too long has our rich
culture been stifled by Port Coquitlam,
New Westminster, and the rest of the

 

Greater Vancouver Area! That is why, as
my first act as Emperor, I declare
Coquitlam independent from Canada!”
Even more shocking than the
announcement of Coquitlam’s independ-
ence was the method in which Kingsbury
proposed the declaration be carried out:
“As we speak, preparations are under-
way to have Coquitlam physically removed
from the Lower Mainland. Soon, hundreds
of jackhammers and drills will be at work
to free our beautiful city/country from the
putrid remainder of Vancouver. Soon

Coquitlam will be liberated, like a cesarean

birth from a dead and soon-to-be rotting
mother! After our borders have been bro-
ken, we will attach several rockets to the
perimeter of the city, which will lift
Coquitlam into its new home: The sky!”

The citizens of Coquitlam seem to be
behind Kingsbury and his plan 100 per-
cent. Phil Lattio, an adult video store
clerk who lives on Inlet Drive said,
“People outside of Coquitlam might ask
us, “Why do you all support Kingsbury’s
claim to absolute dictatorship? He was
passed over for re-election as Coquitlam
mayor in favor of Maxine Wilson, and
when he ran for MP, he lost to James
Moore. So why would you allow him to
become monarch?’ Well, the answer is sim-
ple; we knew this was coming, and we are
all pretty convinced he was chosen by
God.”

Connie Lingus, a fifth grade teacher at
Pine Tree Elementary has a slightly differ-
ent take on the declaration. “Kingsbury
has been serving this community for a
long time, and he is a proud grandfather
of seven grandchildren. He also promises
to ban handguns. Plus, we’re all pretty sure
he was chosen by God.”

As a citizen of Coquitlam myself, I
can say that this was a long time coming.
Coquitlam’s culture is so strong and dis-
tinct. We have an amazing social unity here
that no one from outside of Coquitlam
could possibly understand. We have such a
fierce national unity. A unity that comes
from being a society made up of the
brightest, strongest, and most enlightened
people on Earth.

Coquitlamites know that we are on the
doorstep of a utopian age. Soon, the float-
ing sky-country of Coquitlam will traverse
the globe like a space-aged Arcadia, float-
ing here and there, righting wrongs, and
imparting enlightenment upon the igno-
rant ground-dwellers. In fact, I myself am
forming an elite strike force to stop Dick
Cheney’s reign of terror.

Sure, there is doubt among many of
us. This is, after all, one of the greatest
undertakings in the history of mankind.
However, under the leadership of His
Holiness Emperor Kingsbury, I am confi-
dent there is no obstacle that we cannot

overcome.