January 15, 2003 Sports http://otherpress.douglas.bc.ca HOCKEY AFTER LIFE Bill Cripps OP Contributor Many people write about “life after hockey.” These arti- cles tend to describe successful hockey players at the pro- fessional or amateur level who have found personal suc- cess in a career or endeavor after hockey. This article is about hockey “has beens” who have found enjoyment in hockey when they are a little older, even “really old.” They participate in the “hockey after life.” It's about guys, not girls, but more about that later. My theory is that hockey players fit the bell curve. Age is on the X-axis and skill level is on the Y-axis. Kids start playing hockey at a very early age; let’s say about five. At this stage they are learning to skate and the hockey stick is like a crutch. They can’t turn, can’t stop, can’t skate backwards and when they fall down they can’t get up. For those who stick with the game, until they are 25 or 35, their skill level peaks and they can turn both ways, stop both ways, go from skating forward to backward both ways, go from skating backwards to forwards both ways, do crossovers both ways, stickhandle effectively and gen- erally compete at a high level. After this peak, it is a downhill slide in skills, a slippery slope indeed. The turn- ing and stopping is not so good, skating backwards is a problem, crossovers are history and “shinny” is the name of the game. If they fall down, getting up is a major chal- lenge and getting the gear on is also a challenge. In terms of hockey, age 55 becomes very much like age five and younger. One thing doesn’t change. Committed hockey players live for the competition and the camaraderie. Age doesn’t matter. Even when youre old, it’s still fun, it’s still chal- lenging, it’s still important and as a result the “hockey after life” is alive and well. This is about 50 and over hockey in general and specifically about some of the char- acters who still play. It’s not about any one team, it’s about the teams and people who continue to play the game. The old guys tend to represent a cross section of peo- ple who have played hockey earlier in life, some who began on a pond at five, some who never skated until © page 26 their 20s, some who were very good and some who were not so good but loved the game. They represent a wide range of society in terms of race, nationality, size and occupation. It’s a melting pot of old hockey players. So what are some of the absolutes? First and foremost, it’s just as much fun in the dressing room as it is on the ice. Second, if you screw up it doesn’t matter. Third, both teams usually think they won, and they probably did. If they didn’t, that doesn’t matter either. There are some commonalities in all old guys’ dressing rooms. First and most important there is usually a flatu- lence corner. This is the place where those who “pass gas” usually sit so they can enjoy each other’s company and engage in a secondary competition from hockey. There is also a “character” corner, sometimes the same gas-filled corner. This is the place where we have the storytellers, the folks with the jokes and the players who always win or won or made the great play. In the dressing room we also have the individuals, like the guys who have to put on their hockey pants after they put on their skates, oth- erwise they can't reach the laces to do them up. There are players with very old equipment that has never been washed or, on occasion, a hockey bag used as a litter box. They are not popular. “Hockey bag” is also used to refer to a wife or female partner. Nothing is sacred in a dress- ing room except the cost of the beer. Gino, aged 66, has played hockey forever and, with Tougie, is a resident of “flatulence corner.” A caricature of the two of them is permanently mounted on the wall of the dressing room recognizing their considerable achievements. Gino says Tougie is the champion but reports that, as with all hockey skills, age (and diet) reduces the ability to produce competitive odours so they, and the others in flatulence corner, are reduced to remembering the glory of the old days. Screw-ups are very common duting the game. These are witnessed and recorded by those on the bench and not acknowledged by those on the ice. The most com- mon is tripping on the blue line while making a “dash” the other press and surrendering the puck to the opposition resulting in a goal against. Almost as common is the “feathered” pass, which is picked off by the opposition, also resulting in a goal against. And then there is the “booming” shot that trickles just a few feet and the shooter falls down and slides into the net. My favorite is the “dash” from one end to the other, which in the TV world is like a “slow motion replay,” but where the player zigs and zags, leaves the puck behind and flails at open air in an attempt to score. So why do both teams think they won? First and most important the games are often played without a referee or scorekeeper, hence the players use a creative accounting process to keep track of the goals and the loudest and most persistent usually prevails. If there is a referee, he usually doesn't know the rules, doesn’t care anyway, makes his own rules as required, can’t count, wouldn't if he could and simply gets off on blowing the whistle for reasons known only to him. The score is irrelevant. Chet, 68, a retired schoolteacher, comments, “what I see here reminds me of an elementary schoolyard...” “I/We scored, no you didn’t, yes I/we did” brings back memories of long ago. He says that just like the kids, scoring or winning doesn’t really matter anyway, and in our case it’s all about “old male” bonding and simply hav- ing fun. Once you hit the very right hand side of the bell curve, the “old old” guys get to play “ladies hockey teams” to help them, the girls, prepare for their next game or tour- nament. For the old male chauvinist hockey player, this’is an anxious time. “What if we lose?’ is the cry in the dressing room. How does the male ego deal with this, age notwithstanding? Most of the old guys can usually rise to the occasion, be competitive and give the girls a good game. Win or lose, you know what, it doesn’t mat- ter and the girls drink beer just like the old guys. The “hockey after life” brings a new dimension to playing hockey; it allows us to participate in the game we love as long as we want. For most of us, this is the most fun we have ever had playing this game.