issue 20 // volume 42 humour // no. 23 BREAKING: Nice guy gets girl > Local man breaks free of friend-zone Chandler Walter Humour Editor that he was right.” What Luth said she likes best li an exciting turn of events this past weekend, local Vancouverite Jim Brant broke free from the tantalizing prison of the friend-zone he was in, and convinced long-time friend Natalie Luth to begin dating him. What was once considered impossible by many self-proclaimed nice guys has become a reality for Brant, and he says that all it took was a little patience. “All I had to do was wait it out,’ he said in an interview. “Every time some asshole guy would be mean to her, or cheat on her, or anything really, | would be there. It was easy enough to pretend to care. And hey, it worked out. Look at me now!” Brant explained that his strategy of being the shoulder to cry on was alla part of his plan to eventually begin dating Luth. “I mean, after all this time, I deserve it. I sat through so many chick flicks, and listened to so many breakup stories, that now, ’'m reaping my reward. I’m being given what is owed to me, because I am such a nice guy.” Luth explained how it came to her that Brant could be seen as a possible love interest. “I guess it was just his relentless whining that slowly won me over—all those passive aggressive little jabs about him being in the friend- zone. Eventually I realized about her new boyfriend is all his little quirks: “Tt was always so cute how he would creepily half hit on me yet never have the courage to actually say how he really felt. All the little—but obvious— hints that he was the best guy for me, and way better than all my ex-boyfriends. Even when I was obviously dealing with problems of my own, it was almost genius how he managed to make it somehow about him, and how I should let him bang me.” Luth said that a large part of how the happy couple ended up together was due to convenience. “I mean, we're already comfortable around each other, plus his house is really close to mine.” Another factor that led to the merry union, according to Luth, was that the alternatives were beginning to look worse and worse. “It’s easy enough to find a guy online that I’m like, actually attracted to, but after a few bad hookups I think it’s just easier to play it safe. I know for a fact that Jim doesn’t have any STDs. I'm sure I'll come to find him somewhat sexually attractive eventually. Until then, lights off I guess.” “After all this time, it was worth pretending I was okay with being just friends,” Brant explained. “It’s really nice to finally have a nice guy win for once. About time too.” Image via thinkstock Greatest winners of this years Super Bowl > Many cashing in on abnormal bets Chandler Walter Humour Editor he grand and gluttonous ritual that is the American Super Bowl came and went this last weekend. While many yards were run, great throws were tossed, and chicken wings were eaten, there were only a select few true victors that came out of that glorious Sunday. Sports betting has always been a large and important part of the festivities, and this year was no different. Though, if caring about what actually happens in the game is not exactly your cup of beer, the powers that be have seen fit to incorporate pretty much anything about the game into an opportunity to take your money. Here are the lucky few that kept their hard- earned dollars, and then some. Clive Lemmings—Los Angeles, California: Lemmings cashed in big time this past Sunday as he gathered around his flat screen TV with a few select friends. He had ironically taken advantage of this year’s expansive prop betting options and put a small fortune down on the over under on “how many times the TV would show someone in the stands eating a hotdog.” Lemmings braved the glaringly skewed odds and, with each viewing of an American chowing down on meat and buns (five times in total), he grew richer by roughly $10,000. Jessica Tupple—Cheyenne, Wyoming: This lucky lady secured a hefty sum by placing an all or nothing bet on the exact number of chicken wings that would be sold by Buffalo Wild Wings during Super Bowl Sunday. She hit the chicken right on the pecker by rightly guessing 13,873,213, and went home with the same amount in cold hard American cash. Alexander Ovechkin— Washington Capitals: Alexander Ovechkin, the sharp-shooting NHL star, heard wind that there was a prop bet this year pitting the number of touchdowns scored at this year’s Super Bowl against the number of shots on Image via galleryhip.com goal Ovechkin would achieve in game that same night. Ovechkin placed his entire fortune on the under, and played his most selfish game of hockey that night, tripling his overall net worth. Word has it Ovechkin then retired from hockey and fled to northern Russia to avoid any illegal gambling charges laid against him. Kevin Richards—Portland, Oregon: Richards is a part-time barista, part-time actor, and one who had no plans of watching football last Sunday. He had, however, planned on watching the halftime show, as he is a huge Beyoncé fan. Under pressure from his father, he placed a small bet on the choreography of Beyoncé’s background dancers, just so he could tell his father that he had “totally bet on the game, pops.” Lucky for Richards, he happened to predict the exact movements of every dancer’s feet, down to the two anda half missteps. Richards walked away with $50,000 and a newfound respect for the truly American game of football. by David Manky, Senior Columnist Susan always had her suspicions, but this sealed it.