Shis issue:

(Cae tyede Mo lllViarp CoN Kaeo) \ meno BSIK1AN

Been told you're too funny?

Contact: Sharon Miki, Humour Editor

( Local woman fights for the right to be declared legally blonde © humour@theotherpress.ca

(Y Registries for the rest of us www.theotherpress.ca

And more!

 

Summer is nothing more than a
construct of the Illuminati

» The global elite control the world by buying the sun

- Mercedes Deutscher
Staff Writer

 

all me crazy, but I don’t

believe in summer.

It never used to get so hot
between the months of June
and September. Children used
to be in school all year long.
Now, people scramble to take

vacations, buy summer clothes, :

and drink cold beverages.
These things make money for
the elite. Coincidence? I think
not.

We are nothing more
than slaves to capitalism, and
summer is responsible.

We are becoming

brainwashed into thinking that

summer is the time to have
fun, sing songs, and bask in
the warmth of the sun. It must
be something in suntan lotion
that penetrates our brains and
forces us to enjoy the summer.
Combined with the
Hluminati-owned sun and
drugged suntan lotion, the
global elite further control
the masses by spiking our ice
cream. Do you ever wonder

why lactose-intolerant people
: don’t eat ice cream? Don't be:
: fooled, there’s no such thing as :
: dairy allergies. These so-called
: “lactose-intolerant” citizens

: are really just “Tluminati-

: intolerant.” I think that more

 

 

: of us should follow their lead.
: People laugh at me when
I am the palest person in the

: middle of July. Yet I laugh

: at them. While the sun is :
: controlling them, I am keeping :
: myself pure and free. :

I refuse to go to the beach.

: Volleyball isn’t some innocent
: sport to be played on the sand. :
: In reality, there are recorders

: and microphones in the balls.

This also goes for beach balls.
Just to be extra cautious,

Photo Illustration by Joel McCarthy

: I have learned not to trust

: towels. Beach towels are

: contaminated with the

: Illuminati. I don’t even use

: other towels. It’s not worth the
: risk. I have decided that I just
: won't shower in the summer

: months.

Have you ever listened

: closely to Katy Perry’s

: “California Girls”? “It must be
: something in the water.” That
: must mean no water is safe,

: for either showers or drinking
: (unless I boil it).

People, seemingly ignorant

: to this suspicious concept

: of summer days, question

: nothing. I refuse to be a tool in
: their game. The Illuminati are
: trying to steal my money, my

: freedom, and my sanity. The

: joke is on them. While others

: will don sun hats, I will don an
: aluminum hat.

I warn my fellow citizens to

: be careful this “summer.” Trust
: no one. Not everything is as

: it seems. There are only three

: seasons: winter, spring, and

: fall. The Illuminati want you to
: believe that summer exists, but
: don't be fooled. Be informed

: and stand up to the system.

 

‘GHOULS’ just want to have fun?

» New TV show takes millennial ennui to ghostly new levels

Sharon Miki
Humour Editor
i) humour

 

Ste it’s hard to bea girl
these days—but what
if you're also dead? Major
bummer, right?

shows set to debut this mid-
season—GHOULS—explores
this with particularly macabre
aplomb. GHOULS, which is
the brainchild of nepotism-
darling Tina Dunham, follows
a perpetually 20-something
aspiring writer and her hipster
friends as they try to find

York. The catch is that they are
all totally dead.
The show has already

: received critical praise for

: its vivid portrayal of the

: oft-overlooked problems of

: modern ghosts. From being

: (literally) invisible to your

: crushes to not being able to pay
: the rent because you can’t hold
: ajob when you are a phantom,

: GHOULS captures the voice of

One of the most promising  ; a lifeless generation.

“It’s really refreshing to see,

like, myself, represented on the
: screen. I love it,’ said 25-year-
: old Casper the Ghost.

“No one but Tina has been

able to capture the struggles us
: ghouls go through every day.
: It’s a miracle,” added Ghost

: Rider.
themselves—and love—in New : ider

GHOULS premieres April

10n HMO at 13:30 a.m. Check
: your local listings for more
: information.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    
  

 

    
  
 

   
  
 

LOO

XOX x