humour / 22

theotherpress.ca

Pipeline work stalled by curious critter

» With all the oil to flow, a small one says ‘no!’
: at about waist-height. :

Chandler Walter
Distribution Manager

orkers on the Northern
Gateplay Pipeline
encountered a strange creature
late last week as they were
clearing trees.
The animal had evidently
been living in the trunk
of a great oak, and, upon
provocation, jumped out at the
workers.
The creature was orange of
fur with a yellow moustache,
walked on two legs, and stood

“I’ve never seen anything

: like it,” pipeline worker Ron

: Dole told the Other Press

: shortly after the encounter. “It
: was just snapping at us with its
: sharp little teeth, brandishing
: its tiny yellow fists, and then—
: of all things—it started to

: rhyme.”

It turns out that the

: creature was the fabled Lorax,

returned once more to speak for
the trees.

“You come with your axes,
you sweat and you toil

To make this large pipeline

: to transport your oil

but have you not thought

of the trees and the soil?”
: The Lorax defiantly asked the
: pipeline workers.

It was not long until animal

: control arrived to capture and
: take away the “dangerous and
: unstable creature.”

Pipeline work continued as

scheduled, and the wheels of

industry continue to turn.

Our recent reports indicate
that the poor critter died in
captivity, of a broken heart.

 

 

College Confessional...

» Super Fowl

Kirsten Scott-Wuori
Columnist

Did you forget to wear a shirt
today? Did you wear too many
shirts today? Were you so
hungry after lunch that you
found yourself eating barely-
trash Timbits from the cafeteria
garbage can? Did you get your
period in any memorable way?
We want to know about it.

We know that there are times
in your life when you look at
yourself and you can barely
believe the shameful person
looking back at you—but
don’t worry! There's absolutely

The Reluctant Runner: Hills are the worst
By Allie Davison

Te

 

: absolution in sharing. Get it off :
: your chest. Send us your most:
: cringe-worthy confessions at

: humour@theotherpress.ca, and
: spread the shame.

ast year for Super Bowl
XLVIII (48, I Googled it) I

: decided to host a Super Bowl
: party for my friends. I originally :
: came up with the idea based

: ona combination of Pinterest

: boards and a few drinks one

: night while watching a game.

: I will be the first to admit that I
: am more interested in the food
: and drinks that accompany

: sports, rather than the sports

Okay Dog. Let's do this.

 

Downhill running

 

   

themselves.
My cute football-shaped

: invite requested peoples’

: presence promptly at 12:00

: p.m. (only three-five hours

: before the game was scheduled
: to start)—just enough time to

: sample the six different kinds of :
: chicken wings I had made.

Around the middle of the

: second quarter I was starting

: to feel really flushed—a

: combo of too many people in

; my apartment and the frat-

: boy amount of beer I had

: consumed, perhaps? I went to
: the washroom to ensure my

> team-colour face paint had to

Oh. My God, Dying.

should be a sport, Wed
win that race every time.

: survived the excessive sweat—
: only to spend the next 20
: minutes puking my guts out.

: worst was over, an urgent
: knock on the door and the rest
: of my party frantically urging

: wasn't. One of those six types of
: chicken wings had given us all

: food poisoning. I only have one
: bathroom in my apartment.

this year.

Ashley M., 22, Burnaby

Bonus points if you
don't fall. Ouch.

Just when I thought the

me to hurry up told me that it

I will not be hosting again

   

Photo by thinkstock

 

   

SYA

Why do hills exist?

 

Sty

 

Coy