“Rocker” made a career out of doing what’s popular

 

   
   

ee Jay .
Schreiber

ack in 1980-something, a group
B of musicians from Seattle created

a style of music that defined a
generation... God, I hate it when people
say that! Look folks, I’m talking about
grunge and I’m not going to play it up any
more than it should be. To make a long
story short, the media jumped on it like
it does ever other fad and consequently
ruined it forever.

Of the groups that came out of

this movement, one little outfit named
Soundgarden emerged as a crowd
favourite, otherwise known back in the
day as “that band that opened for Pearl
Jam and didn’t suck.” After grunge died
in 1994, Soundgarden continued their
musical career until ‘98 when the group
disbanded out of fear that other musicians
would be eaten alive by Chris Cornell’s
ego.

18

 

Now, I’m not hatin’ on Soundgarden;
in fact, the opposite is true. In Cornell’s
career of hit and misses, Soundgarden was
definitely a highlight. In fact, I’m even
quite fond of the band’s decision not to
reunite after rehearsals with Chris went
sour a year or two ago.

In 2000, following the breakup of
Soundgarden, one-time politically charged
band of angst Rage Against the Machine
asked Chris Cornell to join forces and
form a “super group” of epic proportions.
This of course was known as Audioslave
which held the radio waves captive and
filled in as the resident “generic alt rock
group” while Stone Temple Pilots was on
hiatus. Audioslave’s main problem was
that they simply didn’t stand for anything,
and more or less were doing this while
waiting for their residuals. God knows we
can’t all live off royalties!

Three albums and seven years of not
doing much of anything later, the members
of Audioslave admitted their band was a
mistake, and disbanded (not soon enough
in my opinion). Since then, Mr. Cornell
has released two albums of his own, one of
which was released this year. Originally,
an alt-rock turned lame-rock solo album,
Cornell’s music became the theme song

to the new James Bond movie Casino
Royale, and still nobody was impressed.

For this year’s third instalment of
“music according to Chris,” Timbaland
is in the booth producing and mixing his
tunes. May I be the first to say “What the
Fuck?!”

Timbaland is a hip hop and R&B
producer and now he’s working with
Chris Cornell? I’m stumped as to who I’m
supposed to feel sorry for! According to
the media, anything Timbaland touches

turns into a gold record and sells like mad.

Chris Cornhole...sorry, Cornell, already
has (or at least used to have) a large fan
base of people that appreciate his music.

In his latest album, Chris sings over
hip hop beats and dance tunes. The once
long haired, ripped jeans, beer-soakin’
Marlboro-smokin’, bang your head, mosh
till your dead Chris Cornell has now
become a pretty face on the top 40 while
bustin’ it up with Nelly Furtado’s bitch.
What kind of God lets these kinds of
things happen?

I could understand a shift if Cornell
had a decent singing voice, but he doesn’t
even have that going for him. The man
can’t pronounce a word while moaning
like a cat in heat and could seriously

benefit from speech therapy. C’mon,
Chris, give it up!

Upon the release of his... whatever,
sefior arrogance made the statement that
all of his devoted fans would eventually
come around to the idea of his new release
and that it’s something different but
equally as good. Just because things aren’t
going the way you want them to does not
mean you should change your game plan
all together Chris. That’s like saying that
while you’re down 8-0 in the third period,
you’re going to pull your goalie to try
and make up some lost points. You work
for the fans, not the other way around,
jackass!

Chris Cornell’s career until this
point has aspired to this: being kicked out
three times of the only two bands he was
ever in and a solo career turned so rotten
that it has resulted in a complete sell-out
in what appears to be a last, desperate
grasp for a fan base. Chris Cornell, you
disgust me, and I hereby induct you into
the elite group of lame rockers I call “the
Craptasticals.” Please stop singing, and
you can bet that I’m sending you a bill for
the amount of time it took me to listen to
your music, and write this article.