Dawn-Louise McLeod
DP Columnist

oday is my birthday, even
hough it feels like my last birth-
lay was yesterday. See, I’m old
nough now that time goes by
uperfast, even when I’m sitting
In a particularly boring class.
ow old am I? Well, let’s just say
at I've reached the age when |
ho longer want to share the
swer to that question, and that
‘m more than halfway in the
one between Pampers and
rampers.

I look back in amusement to
my 20th birthday. Mournfully
ealizing that I was no longer a
eenager, I examined the sleep
marks on my face and said, “I
ook like death warmed over—

d I have another zit!”

Then there were those post-

ildbearing years in my 30s and
beyond, when I was proud to

nounce my age, inducing those
ound me to say, “No way! You
Hon’t look that old! C’mon, let's
ee your Driver's Licence!”
Ah, the good old days. Now |
truly living in the good OLD
lays.
Ooh, yeah. Good, because
here's something liberating about
petting older. And once I figure
but what that “something” is, I'll
be glad to share it with you. But

 
 
  
   
   
  
  
 
 
  

here are a few examples:

No more having to waste
money on Tampax, Kotex, wings,

d other menstrual devices. And
o more PMS cramps and mood
wings—now I’m just cranky all
e time.

No more hormonal overload,
aking it impossible to concen-
ate on any one thing for more
han a couple of minutes at a
ime.

No more need to stay in fash-

on. Now I have my own style,

  
    
    
   
   
 

hich goes all the way from zero
lo wearing clothing, makeup, and
ccessories that most people in
heir right minds would not be
aught dead in. I fully intend to
chieve eccentric matriarchal sta-
us, like Dame Edith Sitwell,
ita Sackville-West, or Elsa
bchiaparelli.

No more having to work for a

iving—technically, anyhow. I

could retire in just a few more
years and start collecting non-
existent CPP and my share of the
ex-spouse’s pension, but there’s a
reason I returned to school—I
plan to work for as long as I can
stay mobile and relatively pain-
free, and avoid Alzheimer’s or
some other god-awful disease like
remarriage.

- No more fear of doing what I
want. Instead of evading it by say-
ing, “I can always do that later,” I
usually just do it, recognizing that
there might not be a later—and
that, if there is, there’s a whole lot
less of it than there used to be.

There are some disadvantages
to aging, however—you no
longer have the energy or the
interest to stay up all night party-
ing—sometimes youre asleep
before your kids. And you're sub-
ject to unexpected onslaughts of
nostalgia—remembering and
yearning for how things used to
be, even if what they used to be
was kind of crummy.

The mere sight and smell of
whiteout, for example, gets me
thinking fondly of my student
years at UBC. The truth is, doing
homework back then was a lot
worse than it is now, if you can
believe it. And that was when I
didn’t have to do anything other
than work part-time, attend
school, and party. I have no idea
how mature students with major
responsibilities made it through
school in those days.

We had to type all our assign-
ments—and I’m talking type-
writer here. So, unless you want-
ed to type and retype the darned
assignment, you relied upon
whiteout—newly invented
then—to help you out in a pinch.
And you did research by going to
the main library and scrounging
through the mouldy, spider-
infested stacks. There were no
such things as word processors or
the internet or photocopiers—
not only that, but takeout pizza,
as we now know it in North
America, hadn't been invented.

When you had to write an
essay, youd put it off till the day
before it was due, then skip class-
es and fabricate most of it using

only your brain, the course notes,
and the text, while wolfing down
a dinner of canned spaghetti and
Alpha-bits. Then you'd go to the
library to dig through card cata-
logues and microfiches, hoping to
what the so-called
experts had to say on the subject.
Youd finish writing, often in The
Pit (the on-campus pub), while
avoiding the clumsy overtures of
Engineering—or
students trying to get lucky.

uncover

worse—Law

Finally, in one agonizing all-night
marathon, youd type and retype
until either your typewriter rib-
bon gave out, or you passed out
from exhaustion (or accidental
whiteout-inhalation)
green shag carpet.
So, despite not getting the

on your

usual As (or reasonable facsimiles)
of those days, things are much
better now thanks to Word and
the Web. Although, because I still
don’t like others’ words to influ-
ence my own twisted vision, I’m
not big on either research or
lawyers. Mind you, for someone
who isn't blonde, I still go
through a lot of whiteout.

I'm not a stellar example of
growing old gracefully in subur-
bia, having always looked beyond
the white picket fence for some-
thing more out of life—I don't fit
into the Freedom 55 picture.
Instead, I look forward to raising
a little matriarchal hell as I tour
the country with a Winnebago
and a renegade pen, interviewing
people and writing about their
lives. By then, of course, the
internet will be completely wire-
less, available even at campsites,
and whiteout will be illegal.

And at my wake, I hope people
have fun and rejoice, not as in
“ding-dong the witch is dead,”
but because I did something with
my life and maybe even left a
legacy. Of course, my legacy
might not be as significant as that
of Bette Nesmith Graham. Who?
you ask. Oh, you know, she’s the
mother of Mike Nesmith of The
Monkees (remember them?) and
she invented—you guessed it—
whiteout.

When? That would be telling.

iconoclastcom@yahoo.ca

 

  

 

remember that shirt you passed
on to your little brother?

  
   
   
 
 
 
  
   

   

and that bike you passed Qj
on to your little sister?

Recycle life...

register
to be an
organ donor

British Columbia
Transplant Society

 

register electronically by visiting

www.transplant.bc.ca
604-877-2240

 

 

 

ATTENTION ALL
CRIMMOLOGY STUDENTS!

The Douglas College Criminology Students’ Association
is in need of volunteers. The Association aims at facilitat-
ing criminology related programs, holding work-shops and
study groups for students requiring academic assistance,
arranging for career information sessions through various
law-enforcement agencies and Canada customs, hosting
fun-filled events and parties and much more. One of the
goals of the D.C.C.S.A. is to provide students with an
opportunity to gain volunteer experience.

If you would like to join the association as a volunteer,
participate in one of the D.C.C.S.A. meetings, and or have
questions or comments, please contact the Douglas
College Students Union office @ the New Westminster
campus.

Douglas College Criminology Students’ Association
Douglas College, New Westminster