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UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO INTRODUCES NEW
EXPRESS CHECKOUT FOR ARTS DEGREES FEATURED

Lea |S tosis

 

igh school graduates

looking to transition
as quickly as possible into a
barista position are in luck. The
University of Toronto, in a bid
to collect on easy tuition money
more quickly, has opened a
brand-new express checkout
counter for arts degrees, dubbed
E-Z Degree.

“The first E-Z Degree will
be located on the second floor
of the library, and we expect
to see an average enrolment-
to-graduation time of less than
twenty minutes,” the university
stated at the system’s grand
unveiling. “Conveniently, we
will be accepting numerous
methods of payment, including
cash, cheque, debit, Visa,
Mastercard PayPass, flex
dollars, OSAP loans and internal
organs.”

But what about the students
who are not looking to rush
through their degree? “We have
no doubt that many students

You

Bottles Beware!

will still want to spend a full
‘our years here, which is why
we're continuing to support the
original Arts degree format,”
said Arts Faculty Coordinator
Diane Johnston in an email
interview. “As we all know,
an Arts Degree offers a perfect
opportunity for students to
squeeze four years of living
and eating expenses from their
parents as they ‘figure out’ what
they want to do in life.”
“Further, many Arts
students will want to take full
advantage of U of T’s beautiful,
spacious, and acoustically
sound lecture rooms to browse
facebook in. Our numerous,
quiet, and well-staffed libraries
are also popular locations
to browse facebook in, and
our private, accessible and
comfortable dorms are the
perfect place to pre-drink and
sleep in until mid-afternoon...
and browse facebook in.”
However, not all students
have parents gullible enough
to pay for the vague hope
that their child will somehow
attain enough talent and self-
motivation to acquire a real

Comedy Classics

 

By Joel McCarthy, Graphics Manager

http:/ /www.youtube.com/ watch?v=4dKwHOfd2dk

This week’s Comedy Classic features the guy you don’t want to live with
after a natural disaster. Enjoy these two minutes of an obese man destroying
water bottles of all shapes and sizes with swords. It starts out marginally
funny, but becomes quite mesmerizing near the end—he isn’t terrible at what
he does. The video's highlight comes at the 30-second mark, when he goes

prison rules on a water cooler jug.

22

career after pursuing “Arts.”
With E-Z Degree, students can
get into the workforce as quickly
as possible to start paying off
their OSAP loans.

“It’s common knowledge
that any adult minimum wage
job is impossible to get these
days without a bachelor’s
degree in something,” said Jason
Crichton, who will be entering
the University of Toronto next
year. “That’s why I decided,
hell, why spend four years
pretending I’m actually learning
anything? Might as well rip the
Band-Aid off quickly and jump
right into student debt with both
feet.”

Once E-Z Degree is in place,
U of T will become the sixth
Ontario university to implement
such a system, with Ryerson,
York, Guelph, Carleton and
Western having offered similar
express checkout degrees for
many years.

“Tf all goes well, we might
even look at bringing E-Z
Degree to other faculties and
departments at U of T,” Johnston
stated.

 

E-Z Degree is slated to open for the 2014-2015 academic
year, with the standard package including:

¢ 1 arts degree, redeemable at any Starbucks,
McDonalds, Cineplex or H&M

¢ 1 pamphlet describing vague memories of attending
psychology, sociology and/or philosophy class but
retaining nothing more than a handful of useless trivia

e $38,000 of student debt

° Regret

CONTINUED ON PG. 29

@ Breaking news: Ryan Gosling still attractive