Vanpocalypse 3.0—the leading theories

» Speculation on the many different ways our city can end up in disarray

Alex Stanton
Staff Writer

A: a group of student

journalists, we here at the
Other Press are dedicated, first
and foremost, to bringing you
the truth about what is going on
in your world.

From opening your eyes to
just how few people believe in
global warming, to bringing you
the exclusive story, photos, and
hard facts proving that Justin
Trudeau is actually a hoofed
and horned vessel for Satan—
crown Prince of Darkness—our
thorough investigative work
is the main attribute we pride
ourselves on as journalists.

But sometimes—particularly :

after a summer such as this,

in which the wrath of Mother
Nature all but brought us back
to the Stone Age twice—we feel
like throwing on our speculation
caps. These are what we consider
to be the leading theories for
the next massive event that is
going to throw our city into a fit

of chaos unlike anything you will
: cataclysmic might go down,

ever see (assuming, of course,

: streetlight grid in the Lower
; Mainland

When the great storm of ‘15

: hit us not too long ago, we got a
: taste of what an experience like
: this might be ona block-to-block :
: basis, and it’s not pretty. I don’t
: mean Rocky Dennis not pretty, I
: mean “kittens being drowned in
: oil” not pretty.

Being totally realistic, it’s

: fair to say no one in Vancouver

: was taught by anyone how to

: function at a major intersection

: that is out of power temporarily.
: Ifyou don’t know what ’m

: speaking of then you're probably
: the guy that holds everyone

: up because he didn’t pay any

: attention in driving school.

2. Shortage of Kale Chips
Lord knows a true red-

: blooded Vancouverite gets

: his Netflix munchies from

: his community street garden,
: centralized in a location

: guaranteed to be passed by at
: least 80 per cent of the city’s

: 10-speed bicycle riders.

How exactly something this

hungry is a big pile of DDT
: dropped over East Van.

3. Lululemon goes out of

 

: messed up too much in the past
: while. That said, Lululemon

: going out of business would

: cause an estimated go per cent

Photo illustration by Joel McCarthy

> and a curse, and its existence or
: non-existence is the difference

: between keeping our place

. ?

: among the world’s worst dressed

: can’t say; | think the best : business
: thing we can do is not get into

: any wars. All it takes to turn

: Vancouver into a place where the

: majority of people are rabidly

that we don’t make it to Game 7
and muck it all up... again).

1. Power outage
completely shuts down the

: Aside from blatantly sending :
: plus-sized women right back out
: the door from where they came,

: good ol’ Chip Wilson hasn't really :

: of Vancouverites to immediately
switch to a wardrobe entirely

: based on the Robert Munsch

: book, The Paper Bag Princess.
Lululemon is a blessing

: cities, and losing pretty much the
: only thing that makes the City of
: Vancouver any more a dot on the
: map than Agassiz.

 

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