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Contact: Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
4 humour@theotherpress.ca

This issue:
(¥Y Canadian Militia takes over cabin in northern BC

 

(¥ Leonardo DiCaprio comes clean about being behind

Martin Luther King Jr.’s dream

(¥Y Crime report: Cereal mascot chase ends in devestation

And more!

Douglas College experiences Yellow Friday

» Statistically happiest day of the year influences few

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
S humour@theotherpress.ca

N2 long after scientists
came out with the hotly

debated “Blue Monday’”—that
is, the statistically saddest

day of the year—super real
scientists decided to put their
attentions and resources to solve
another one of the universe’s

big mysteries: what is the
happiest day of the year?

Well, the results are in, and
it has been proven scientifically
with science that the Friday
immediately following Blue
Monday is actually the happiest
day of the year. Much thought
and care was put into the naming
of this day, and although many
in the scientific community
rallied around the title “Fuck
Ya Friday,” they were ultimately
out-voted to give the Friday a
less wicked-awesome name.

Yellow Friday falls on

: the third Friday of January,

: and is believed to be in

: direct correlation with its

: blue counterpart. Scientist

: Hugh Cardoso explained the

: phenomena: “Well, basically, it

: is something of an afterthought
: of Blue Monday.’ The scientist

: followed that scientifically while
: wearing glasses and holding a

: microscope: “It kind of makes

: sense, right? If everyone is all

: especially bummed out the

: Monday that week, it just makes
: them especially happy to have

: made it to the weekend again.”

Douglas College students

: around campus were surveyed
: to see if these days had an

: effect on them, and the results
: were inconclusive. “I guess

: ’'m kind of happy it’s Friday,”

: said second year Douglas

: College student Jess Perri. “But
: I mean, I’m always happy it’s

: Friday... because it’s Friday.”

“Tm actually really pissed

right now,” said student Will
: Baker. “I have to friggin’ work

: this evening, and it’s just not

: fair! Steve is having a kegger,

: and he promised there would

: be girls there this time. I need

: tonight. You know how long it’s

: been since I’ve gotten laid? My

: entire life!” Even after Baker was

: consoled with the fact that today
: was supposed to be the happiest

: day of the year, it seemed to just
: make him even less cheerful.

: “Well that’s just great, now

: everyone is going to be out having :
: a Fuck Ya Friday without me.” :

 

We brought our results into

: the scientific lab to be analyzed
: by super smart scientists, and
: they all agreed that Baker was

Image via thinkstock

: simply being a little cry baby.
: Just how much of a cry baby,
: they are not yet certain, and

have promised to run expensive,

: extensive, scientifically
: valid tests on the matter.

“Because what the hell,

: right,” said Cardoso, “Gotta
: science something.”

 

Canadian Militia takes over cabin in northern BC

» Police and government response sub-par at best

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
S humour@theotherpress.ca

group of wily, red-blooded
Canadian boys have recently
taken over a cabin in the northern
reaches of British Columbia. They
call themselves The Militia, and
have raised a small semblance
of alarm in the provincial gov-
ernment and local police force.
The Militia commandeered
the lake side cabin late Tuesday
night, and they have been holed
up there ever since. Local police
chief Gene Buxburry spoke to
the community about this situ-
ation. “Now this is no cause for
alarm,” Buxburry said during
a press conference. “We have
the situation under control. Of
course there will be govern-
ment action against these men,
as they have acted immaturely
and irrationally, and they will
meet the full weight of justice.”
It is evident that The Militia
came equipped with weapons,
though Buxburry addressed the
danger associated with such
firepower. “We have been alerted
that the men in the cabin arrived
armed with multiple wooden

: deadly weapon—especially here

: in Canada, where hardly anyone
: has any guns in their houses

: with which to defend them-

: selves. To make matters worse,

: these wooden staffs have a slight
: curve at the end, and we hear the
: young men have been practicing
: launching rubber projectiles at

: each other on the frozen lake.”

The men in question ap-

: pear proud of their status as

: Militia, and have even gone

: so far as to wear sweaters with

: the word “MILITIA” across the
: front and their last names and

: anumber on their backs. What
: these numbers signify, no one

: is yet certain, though many

: media outlets are agreeing that
: had these men not been white,
: the numbers could have been

: gang or even terrorist related.

: UPDATE:

Buxburry and his elite team

: of constables made their move
: Thursday night, knocking sternly }
: yet still kind of politely on the :
: door of the Militia’s cabin. They

: were invited inside to enjoy a few

: yet to be a casualty. The Militia,

staffs, a dangerous and potentially : who claim to bea “team’ from

: Merritt, agreed to keep the noise

: Molson Canadians and watch the : down, and not to harm anyone

: latest hockey game, and there has :

: while they “practice” with their
: weapons on the frozen lake.

“It was well-handled,” Bux-

: burry said after the confron-

: tation. “I mean sure, everyone

: knew they weren't actually going
: to DO anything, but a group of

: young men acting out like that— :

 

photo illustration

: especially with weapons—always
: need to be addressed and con-

: fronted by authority. It would just
: bea failure of the system not to.”