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And more!

Been told you're too funny?

Contact: Sharon Miki, Humour Editor
4 humour@theotherpress.ca
www.theotherpress.ca

 

‘All your political opinions are definitely
wrong unless they match mine’

» Why I know exactly how things should be

Cazzy Lewchuk

Staff Writer

Rev about all the elec-

tions coming up has really

got me thinking: I’ve listened to

the debates and read up on the
policies of all the candidates,

and it really frustrates me how
everybody is completely wrong

except for the guy I’m voting for.

I don’t know why 46 per
cent of people support the
other candidate compared to
the 44 per cent that support
mine. The only explanation
is that those 46 per cent are
complete and utter morons.
I’m particularly concerned
about their slight difference
with regard to increased taxes
that don’t affect my bracket,
environmental regulations
that won't come into effect for
a decade, and their choice of
party colour combinations.

I’m not an ignoramus
when it comes to politics. I
read an article in the local
daily newspaper and follow my
preferred politician on Twitter.
T even took an Intro to Political
Science course in my first year
of college, which means I know
close to the same amount of
important information as
any of the candidates. I know
everybody wants to make an

 

: informed rational decision cast-
: ing their ballot—but clearly,

: 46 per cent of people can’t be

: bothered to even get informed.

I’ve told a lot of my friends

about why I support my pre-

: ferred candidate. Although

: about half of them agree he’s

: the guy to vote for, the other

: halfdon’t even know what

: they're talking about. They

: actually dared to disagree with

: some of the policies my guy

: has supported. Can you believe
: the nerve of some people?

: They must hate this city, this

: country, and democracy. Some
: of them have even gone so faras :

: to try to defend their decision.

: “Not everything is a complete

: partisan issue,” they tell me.

: “It’s not all black and white.

: Both candidates have strong

: ideas, and aren't perfect in

: every decision.” They've been

: brainwashed by the political

: media to blindly follow what the
: politicians tell them. But I know
: the truth, and it’s that the per-

: son !’m voting for is absolutely

: the right fit for the position.

: One of my friends even had
: the nerve to say he’s “unde-

: cided” about who to vote for,

: and won't make up his mind

: until the day of. According to

: some shocking polls I found on
: the Internet, 10 per cent of the

: population feels the same way!
: There’s no other explanation

: for how they’ve found the nerve
: to not read a Facebook post or

: glance at a headline proving

: my candidate is the superior

: choice. Have they never seena

: TV commercial outlining bad

: things once said by members

: of the party I’m not voting for?

: Politics is a dangerous and
: often confusing game. But I’m

: confident that my knowledge

: asaslightly sheltered college

: student who has voted in

: one election before triumphs

: every other voter’s opinion.

: Well, the ones who disagree

: with me, I mean. Everyone

: on my side understands.

 

College Confessional...

» Family connection

Kirsten Scott-Wuori
Contributor

Did you forget to wear a shirt
today? Did you wear too many
shirts today? Were you so
hungry after lunch that you
found yourself eating barely-
trash Timbits from the cafeteria
garbage can? Did you get your
period in any memorable way?
We want to know about it.

We know that there are times
in your life when you look at
yourself and you can barely
believe the shameful person

: looking back at you—but

: don’t worry! There's absolutely

: absolution in sharing. Get it off
: your chest. Send us your most

: cringe-worthy confessions at

: humour@theotherpress.ca, and
: spread the shame.

: I recently decided that I was

: going to give online dating a

: shot—lets face it, it’s been a

: while, and a girl has needs. I

: burned through all of the usual
: free suspects: Tinder, POF,

: stalking friends of friends on

: Instagram, but nothing stuck.

: All I found were the creeps,

: pay for it. :
: I chose carefully, and within :
: my means; I wanted a site

: that wasn’t so exclusive that I

: would attract men looking for

: a midlife crisis, but I also wasn’t
: looking for a broke guy wanting
: someone to finance his weed

: habit.

: the weirdos, and the seriously-
: confused—as-to-why-I-was-
: contacting-them guys.

So I caved and decided to

As soon as I signed up

with my site of choice, I was
: immediately matched with
: plenty of options—some

: with more potential than

: others. When I filled out my

: preferences (i.e. must love dogs,
: good sense of humour, older

: than me, etc.) I figured I would

: mature, funny, and not related

: tome. That’s right, on day

: three with my carefully selected
: dating site I was matched with

: my uncle. Stats: good looking,

: successful, healthy, loves dogs,

: and isa blood relative and this

: would be illegal.

: Internet. #Winning
: —Chelsea, 27

be matched with men who were

I have now given up on the