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(¥ ‘My Night with the Zodiac Killer’ — An excerpt

(¥ Damn Daniel: Life after the fame

(Y George R.R. Martin admits he hasn’t actually
started yet

And more!

Two Canadians wanted Revolutionary new

in America after pulling
exchange heist

> Bank left with millions in Monopoly money

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor

 

he FBI is on an all-

out manhunt after two
Canadians walked out of
an American bank with
millions in free cash.

The suspects, known
only to be one man and one
woman, tricked the teller at
a Bank of America in Seattle
into exchanging a briefcase
full of $500 bills in cold,
hard, Monopoly cash.

“It was my first day on the
job, okay!” said bank teller Mark
Wells. “I’ve never even been to
Canada! Every one always says,
you know, that their money looks
like monopoly money. I just took
people for their word on that!”

Wells is unsure if he still has
a job at the Bank of America,
but is sure that if so, he will not
make the same mistake twice.

“How could I have been
so stupid!” he continued. “I
did some research, turns out
Canadian money is even sillier
than Monopoly money. It’s
plastic, for Christ sake! Honestly,
I just never thought a Canadian
would be rude enough to steal
money like this. I mean this
wasn't very polite at all.”

This is the first time in 10
years that a Monopoly exchange
heist has been pulled, the last
being the infamous “Bank
of Montréopoly” scandal, in
which the bank teller himself
was behind the corruption.

“Tt was just so easy,”
said ex-teller and current
convict Guy Sligh. “When
the Americans came up on
our end o’ the border, I’d just
switch ’em for some Monopoly
money and a smile, and
pocket their American.”

Sligh reportedly stole
thousands in American cash

|

7

 

before he was caught, an
eventual end that took longer
than one might have thought.
“Honestly, ’'m amazed for
how long I was running that
gag. Turns out most of the
stores that these Americans
were using that money at were
too polite to turn them down.
So really I wasn’t stealing from
anybody but McDonald’s.”
There has always been a
misunderstanding of how the
exchange between American
and Canadian currencies works,
and it has become even more
confusing with the appearance
of a new coin in America.
It is gold, slightly bigger than
a quarter, and features a strange
elderly woman on one side, and a
duck looking thing on the other.
These coins are known
in Canada as “Loonies,”
though they have quickly
been harnessed by Americans
as their new half-dollar.

 

 

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coming to Netflix

> A new take on an old platform

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor

 

A: of summer 2016, Netflix
streamers are in for a treat,
as the online platforms have
decided to roll out a new look
to their old advertisements.
Admercials are a
product of the tech-savvy
geniuses that brought us
YouTube advertisements and
newspaper website paywalls.
These admercials will play
throughout each video or TV
stream, up to 1o times ina
half-hour portion.
“Tt’s just a really great
way to keep the viewer
entertained,” said Netflix CEO
Geoff Hodgson, “and it really
adds to the suspense when
you can cut straight to a car
commercial right when the
killer is about to be revealed.”
Hodgson explained that
many people were complaining
about how quickly they
would watch entire seasons of
shows, and the introduction
of admercials would make
shows just that little bit less
enjoyable, so many viewers
would turn off the stream
midway through.
“Tt’s really fun
too, because now
we can decrease
the usual
$8-a-month fee
down to $7.50,
on account of
the billions in
revenue from
the new ads,”
Hodgson
said. Fear

      
   
    
 
 
 

IGRESSIVE |

not, those who are determined
to watch your favorite TV
shows unimpeded, because
Netflix is now offering Netflix
Platinum and for only $20 extra
per month you can watch your
favorite shows admercial free.

Some viewers, however,
find that the new addition to
their weekend watching really
adds to the experience. “I love
them,” said Netflix and Chill-
er Jenna Sundy. “When I used
to watch Netflix with the old
version, my TV shows would
end at 22 minutes. Now I can
watch an entire half-hour of
my favorite shows!”

The online platforms
aren't the only ones who
have jumped on this exciting
new development, as HBO
has finally decided to add
admercials to their award
winning TV series.

“You know, sometimes
when you're watching Jon
Snow defend the wall from
wildlings, you just really need
a break from all the intensity
to see Flo chat about car
insurance,” said the author
of the A Song of Ice and Fire
series, and Game of Thrones
script writer, George R.R.
Martin.

“In fact, I may

have to find a way
to add some sort of

ads into the middle
_ of my books,” the
writer said. “Tt will
probably take a bit
of time to get that
all worked out, but
hey, what’s another
year or three!”

(

Image via Progressive insurance