Paterson vs. Paterson

Darren and Travis Paterson, Sports Guys

  

Darren says: I believe that my feelings on
this issue can best be said with a quote that
I’m sure you’ve heard before, “let them eat
cake.” Now, while everyone knows that
Marilyn Antoillet was talking about
Spanish whores with eating disorders, she
could easily have been talking about ath-
letes using drugs. (Which, in her time, were
called ‘cakes.’)

And I agree.

Athletes should be allowed to do as
many drugs, or cakes, as they wish.
Because, hey, everyone knows that sports
are all about winning anyway, so why not
let athletes do what it takes? As a matter of
fact, I believe that drug use should be
encouraged in sports.

If we encouraged athletes to use drugs
then we would be provided with endless
feats of human ability previously thought
impossible. Records would be broken daily.
Barry Bonds wouldn’t be condemned to
Hell for his lies. It would be like the
Saturday Night Live “all drug Olympics,”
which was damned entertaining.

And if you're still not with me, then
consider this: if we allowed all athletes to
use any drugs they wanted, then the pipe
dream of a level playing field would
become a reality. There would be no more
questions as to who the true champions
where, because nobody would have been
breaking the rules to get ahead.

So, to paraphrase, let them eat drugs!

| This week s issue: Drugs and Sport

  

Travis says: What, are you kidding me?
Mary Toilet who? The organizations that
are currently cracking down on steroid
abuse aren’t talking cake and ice cream.

A game is created with rules, and the
individual or team that combines the great-
est strengths of mind and body should
prove successful. (With rare exceptions, ie.
the 89 Calgary Flames. We all saw you Joel
Otto—you kicked it in.)

However, the liberal part of me agrees,
and I’d love to see a league or competition
set up that promotes the mustached
women and large-breasted men of our ath-
letic world to participate free of drug tests.
Perhaps a separate division in existing pro-
fessional leagues and circuits.

Just think of the opportunities. Clean
(non-steroid-using) players could break
into the steroid league and make headlines
by claiming their All-Star season, MVP, or
gold medal was attained without steroids.

Not to mention the sponsorship
opportunities. Imagine a poster with a
naked Tiger Woods staring at his ass in the
mirror, holding a swoosh-adorned, Nike-
sponsored needle, and about to make his
final approach shot from the back end.

 

 

Darren Paterson, Sports Editor

kay, let’s get started here. You
know I wish I could be in a
good mood with Valentine’s
Day having just passed but that’s not pos-
sible. You see, I’m just a little bit pissed
off because my cell phone was broken
on Valentine’s Day and I didn’t get it
fixed until a couple days later. But then I
checked my messages and found no
fewer than ten one-day offers from no
less than nine beautiful women (and one
genetically enhanced rat). So in order to
let off a little bit of steam that I didn’t
get to let off on the 14th, Id like to take
a moment to rant on the down side of
sports.
This week’s issue: Why can’t men and
women compete together in sports of

 

 

skill? Now I understand why women and
men shouldn’t be competing together in
sports that require strength or speed,
because it’s a fact that men are always
going to have an advantage due to higher
muscle mass. Annika Sorenstam couldn't
compete with the men of the PGA
because she just wasn’t strong enough to
drive the ball as far as was necessary.
Hayley Wickenheiser couldn’t compete in
men’s hockey because she couldn’t out-
muscle the men for the puck. But what’s
stopping women in skill sports from
competing against men?

Why are there different categories for
men and women in pool? It’s not as
though the men are slamming the balls
into the pocket with such force that
women can’t match up to that. Or how
about curling? Sure they play mixed
games, but why are there different cate-
gories for men and women in the
Olympics? Curling isn’t about sliding the
rocks as fast as you can to the other end
of the ice. It’s a game of finesse and one
where men and women are on equal
footing.

But let’s not stop there. How about a
sport where contact exists but is mostly
illegal? How about basketball? I mean, if
five-foot-tiny Earl Boykins can play in
the NBA and score upwards of 20
points, then what’s stopping a woman
from playing as an NBA point guard? I
know it’s hard for the guys to admit it,
but women are smart enough to play bas-
ketball. And if a woman could compete
with the men, then there’s no reason why
she shouldn’t. She’d bring the media to
her team, she’d make much more money
than she could in the WNBA, and she’d
prove my point.

And when it comes down to it, there’s
nothing more important than proving my
point. Because, until I manage to make
up with that rat, making my point is all I
got. And that point, once again, is that
the fact that women and men do not
compete against each other in sports of
skill represents, to me, the down side of

 

 

Darren Paterson, Sports Editor

22 | www.theotherpress.ca

ow, is Steve Nash good, or

what? If he keeps playing like

he has been and doesn’t win an
MVP award, then my suspicions that this is
an alternate dimension will be confirmed.
The same day that he was selected as an all-
star reserve, he went out and led his team
with a season-high 33 points in a 125-123
win over the Sacramento Kings. But, as if
33 points isn’t already a great game for any
player, he also added 17 assists. Wow.

But enough of the NBA highs, what
about the lows? Hmm...low...who’s hit a
low in the NBA? I know! How about the
Toronto Raptors? Who, once again, are
losing games as if they’re car keys. And
now Eric Williams, who was part of the
Vince Carter trade, has asked for a trade

saying that he can’t handle bench-warming
while the fireworks go off around him. So
okay, he’s got a problem, so trade him. The
team doesn’t need anyone who doesn’t
want to be there so they should just trade
him for nothing to the shittiest team in the
worst possible climate in the league. And
we'll see how he likes....Wait that sounds
like the Raptors.

Well, how about the other side of that
trade? Vince Carter must be having a terri-
ble time on his new team, eh? No, he’s
scoring a season-high 43 points and
becoming the 41st NBA player to hit the
10,000-point plateau. Does anybody else
hate this guy now?

Finally, Leo Rautins, Raptors TV ana-
lyst and former NBA player, has been

   

enlisted as the new head coach of the
Canadian Men’s Basketball team. Rautins
will take over a program in disarray after
last year saw the dissembling of the team’s
core. He will also be presented with the
challenge of trying to convince Steve Nash
to come back to the team. Good luck, Leo.

FEBRUARY 16/2005