Five sure-fire ways to fire things up 1n the bedroom » Exactly what your girl wants Chandler Walter Humour Editor . Shumour@theotherpress.ca Veenines Day is coming up, fellas, and that means one thing: expectations. Unless youre finding yourself alone on February 14, here are some tips you should follow to make that night extra special for that special someone. Presence: No better way to excite your girl than giving her a whole boatload of presence. Be alert, keep your eyes off the : game on the screen behind : her head, and, you know, maybe acknowledge that you're : listening by being actively : involved in the conversation. : Steamy thoughts: Nothing turns Da girl on more than a thoroughly : planned out and well executed : date. I’m not talking about how : much you spend on that bottle : of wine, or the prestige of the : five-star restaurant (though : these could never hurt). Let : her know that you know her. : Take her to that movie she ; mentioned that she wanted to : see two weeks ago. Take her to : her favorite restaurant, the one : you might not like so much : but know that she loves. : Dirty talk: Probably the best : way to get her leading you to : the bedroom is by expressing : your honest thoughts on what : you want to do to/with her. : Communicate openly about : your intentions, feelings, and : darkest fears. Don’t make her : feel like she’s on the outside : looking in, and work with : her as a team whenever a : dispute comes up, rather than : being on opposing sides. : Adult movies: A great end to : theend ofa romantic, emotional, : Ties: Kink things up in your love : : life by introducing ties into your : relationship. Marriage, children, : and pets all work well to tie the : two of you together. Emotional : ropes only grow stronger the : more loops and knots you form, : and if you can make the ties nice } : and tight, no amount of gnawing : : or clawing will be able to free : either of you. So really take the : plunge on Valentine’s Day by : surprising her with a Great Dane : puppy or an adopted child! honest Valentine’s date is to : kick back and watch an adult : movie together. R-rated movies : area great way to bring the > two of you together, especially : horror movies (you may both : be frightened and more likely : to cower in each other’s arms) or gruesome action movies (the : well-muscled protagonist is : sure to get your girl excited). If none of these work, then : maybe just put on some raunchy : porn and break out the handcuffs. Milady Neckbeard Mercedes Deutscher News Editor © news@theotherpress.ca Age: Over 18 under 30 Occupation: Nice Guy Looking For: Marriage and four kids. About Me: | will treat you like a gentleman, and much better than those jerks that girls always seem to go for. Iam someone that your mother will love—I am super close with my mom as well, as | live with her. Iam extra warm and cuddly, and my voice cracks are few and far between. Interests: | run a blog on fedora tips and tricks. I am also an otaku; Sword Art Online and Death Note are my favorite animes. I would : like to watch more anime, but I only watch dubs over subs. : Don’t send me North American : animation, anime is far : superior. I also read Homestuck. I design My Little Pony body pillows. I can send you : pictures, if you'd like. I consider : myself quite the artist. I enjoy food from all : different cultures, such as : Manchu Wok and Nando’s : Chicken. lam looking fora : girl that can cook. I do not : cook, but rather appreciate : the efforts from the cooks at : the wonderful restaurants : I order take out from. I collect sick memes, : such as rare Pepe’s and : John Cena videos. Big fan of hugs <3 : Beliefs: I believe that public E water is contaminated, so I : only shower once per week. : If you are worried that I : may smell bad, I use lots of : cologne. If you enjoy the scent : of AXE, Iam your man. If you are religious, I can : save you. I spend lots of time on : the atheist threads on Reddit. I amalso a meninist. : Feminists just want women : to be superior to men. Rape : culture is a myth; I’m just trying : to bea nice guy. Tumblr is worse : than cancer. 4Chan for life. Gyms are just money- : sucking institutions. I save : money by lifting weights : during my anime marathons. : Ideal first date: You can come : over to my house and watch : me play Minecraft or League : of Legends. My mom makes : some excellent quesadillas. If E you want to get rowdy, I can : also pick up some Mike’s Hard : Lemonades and play some : Green Day while you tickle : my small but growing beard. Image via thinkstock Illustration by + i How to Pave eebian sex » Girl-on-girl secrets revealed Cara Seccafien Layout Manager he operation of lesbian sex is one of most coveted secrets of humanity. I know this because I am frequently asked for a short tutorial on the subject by strangers and acquaintances who seem to be unable to find suitable answers via the Internet. While most queer girls shy away from such conversations, I’m here to reveal the goods. The first step to having lesbian sex is to find at least two gay, bisexual, pansexual, or repressed straight women. They have to be into each other, and not just zombie crushes (also known as “You are so smart—I want you for your brains”), but full-body, complete organism crushes. Place the ladies in a space where they both are comfortable. Somewhere soft and pink with lots of flesh-toned pillows and crocheted blankets can work very well. It should be warm, witha chocolate fondue fountain in the corner and a bowl of exotic fruit across from that (no bananas)). Snacks are essential, because lesbian sex can go on for hours or even days. In the centre should : bea queen sized bed, or a bean : bag chair. The place should : resemble a womb. Stock the space : with vanilla and cherry scented : lotions. Half of lesbian sex is : just rubbing each other’s necks : and legs with silky lubricants. If the girls are not ready : to get it on, try playing a little : music. Serenade them if you : feel comfortable. Sweet pop : hits can work for some girls, : but lesbihonest, nothing’s a : bigger turn-on than feminist : rock ballads. Lesbians like Joan : Jett and the Blackhearts more : than any other minority group. After the music is playing and : the girls are comfortable, suggest : a game of truth or dare. Everyone : knows that this innocent slumber : party game is the root of all : homosexuality. Dare them to kiss : each other, see where that goes. : Who knows? Maybe you'll see : something you never imagined : possible: lesbian sex perhaps? However, it’s proven that : the most likely way to get : lesbians to have sex with each : other is to leave the room. After : you leave, they will be left to : their own devices. If you know : what I mean. Get it? Devices. : Go google it, you sick voyeur.