issue 03// volume 42 humour // no. 23 Keep the youth indifferent! » Why naive inaction is best Josh Visser Contributor ( iven our close proximity to the upcoming federal election, | thought now would be an opportune time to get a message across to my fellow colleagues (because I care). Do not vote in this October’s election. Don’t do it. Ever! I have some reasons for my opinion, of course. They are these: You and I both only have one vote apiece. The government doesn’t actually influence the lives of us : chance you get to possibly : improve your country, and your : life as a citizen? I mean, it’s just : four years. That’s only around peasants. You would be giving up roughly 3.15 minutes of spare time As a non-voter, you can still : You won't hear me bitching : and complaining about the : government at all. bitch about the result of the election. The 2011 federal election saw a voter turnout of 61.1 per cent. Stephen Harper’s Conservative party gained an influx of 28 seats in the House of Commons (166/308) with a whopping 39.62 per cent of popular vote. Voter turnout in those most recently eligible to : do so, aged 18-24, was 38.8 per > cent. Don’t vote. It is cool not to. If you look at the numbers side by side, clearly the votes : of youth could potentially : win an election on their own. : Remember premise two: our : lives are not changed at all by : government, so why vote? There : are so many more things you : could be doing for that 1/96th : chunk of your day, like watch : postseason baseball, or have a ; tiny nap. Doesn't that sound more appealing than using the one 1500 days. We can tough it out. Some of the major issues : in this election that will have : absolutely no effect on our : daily lives are as follows, and in no particular order: abortion, : animal rights, basic freedoms/ : equality, drug and alcohol : regulation, environmental : ethics, euthanasia, gun law, : healthcare, the refugee crisis, : prostitution, pensions, and : many others, but, obviously, : I shouldn't have to list them, : because they don’t matter for : anything. It would be a waste of : my time. Exactly like voting would : be a waste of your time! Except : for all you hipsters out there, : who are now obligated to vote : since non-voting is now the : cool, trendy thing to do and you : naturally need to go against : the grains. For the hipsters, : and all of you out there who : believe you do have a voice in : your ballot, all the power to you : in the coming election. Let’s : hope for a better future for us : as Canadians. We can only do : so much, If you are a normal human : and do not know where you : stand in the current political : agenda, visit canada.isidewith. : com or votecompass.ca to take : a quick quiz, and see where : you match up with the major : parties on the major issues. It’s : just like Tinder, except there’s : a little less chance of being cat : fished when matching political : parties. Pun. 2.3 & ON FOR Aioboebous WAG wou cot ie i | as GQ Pu a3. TUMBLR, by Sarah Walker, Contributor Image via Thinkstock Tragedy strikes hospital » Are you to blame? Chandler Walter Humour Editor, 4 humour@theotherpress.ca L° last Monday, concerned mother Darla Lang learned what it was like to live in her very own horror story. She had brought ! . : antagonists. her sickly son Timmy to the hospital, as he was showing signs of the smallpox virus. Smallpox, having been eradicated in the past, is easily curable by today’s stepped into the Emergency Room. “It was ridiculous!” Lang said. “All they did was tell him to look as sad and as cute : ” : seem pleased with the new : course of action. as possible, took a picture of him, and then they left!” Nurses told Lang that it was all a part of their procedures, but Lang was devastated a few hours later, when the doctor arrived to tell her that there was nothing they could do for her son. “I'm sorry Ms. Lang, but Timmy did not receive enough Facebook likes to watrant our immediate attention,” Dr. Neal Harvey had told her late that night. “You'll have to gain social media support on your own.” Evidently, no amount of tears, money, or shouting could sway the doctor’s opinion, as he said it was an “electronically monitored system,” and he might lose likes if he went ahead with the procedure. This new policy in hospitals is especially : troubling, as this year marks : the 10-year anniversary since : ominous chain emails were : found in inboxes everywhere. : Hospitals are being filled : to capacity by patients, : many of whom sport slash : marks, bites, and lacerations from various horror movie “Why didn’t I forward : that email to 10 of my : friends!” screamed a victim : of Bloody Mary while : nurses wheeled her blood- medicine. However, Lang was! covered stretcher over to the in for a shock the moment she : ; : Taker” booth. designated “Facebook Picture It is not clear why exactly this new policy has taken : place, though many rich, popular, Caucasian families “Oh, it’s just great,” : said father Scott Crooge, : “My daughter always gets : splinters playing in the life- : sized dollhouse we had made : for her, and last time we had : to wait a whole 30 minutes : before receiving attention. : Now all we have to do is put : her adorable little face on : Facebook and bam! Right in : the doors!” The reasons behind : doctors implementing this : new policy regarding who : receives surgery certainly : is tiptoeing the ethical : tightrope. Regardless, Ms. Lang : would like us to urge you to : like little Timmy’s Facebook : page, and get him on his way : toa healthy life. Or don’t, and : bea part of this poor, small : child’s suffering. Do you really want to be > that monster?