By Janis McMath, Assistant Editor & Jessica Berget, Editor-in-Chief

was hard to see myself without him.
After two years, he became a part of
my identity. We worked together at
the same job as well, so being apart of
the couples at my job also became my
identity. I didn’t have a sense of self, I
only had a sense of us. In hindsight, I
should have been more independent.
I should have ended our relationship
right then and there instead of blurring
the lines with sex and “friendship.”
My second relationship was short
and sweet. We only dated for about
6 months and I thought I had this
relationship thing down pat because
I was more independent. Boy, was I
wrong. It was tough breaking up with
him. I liked him a lot and we had fun,
but he just wasn’t the right guy for
me. Specifically, I didn’t like hanging
out with his friends whose idea of
fun was to chain smoke cigarettes in
a parking lot, and I knew that was a
good indication that we weren't right
for each other. The breakup was a lot
messier this time around. I remember
him crying and begging me not to
leave him. Yeah, that was rough.

After we talked it through, we
agreed that we would stay friends.

Big mistake. After our break up he
told me he told his friends that the
reason we broke up was because I
hated them. Weeks later he asked

to meet me somewhere to talk. He
asked me “we're friends, right? And as
your friend you would want to know
if something bad happened to me,
right?” “Of course,” I said. He told me
his brother had died and asked me to
go to the funeral with him, you know,
as his friend. “Of course,” I said, “as a
friend.” When I went to the funeral, I
was seated next to all of his friends.
All of them knowing I had broken up
with him because I didn’t like them.

I also met his extended family, as his
ex-girlfriend, at his brother’s funeral.
Yikes.

After not seeing him for a few
years, he reached out to me to hang
out again. After giving him a big spiel
about why I think that would be a bad
idea and I wouldn’t be comfortable
with it he responded angrily since
he “thought we were friends.” I don’t

regret going to the funeral with him for
support, but I wish I created a bit more
distance after we broke up. We relied
on each other too much for friendship
and support, when we were the exact
people we needed support for, not from.

Break up through to the other side
Big problems in our break-ups that
are common: Both of us experienced
the issue of getting our personalities
and sense of self intertwined with
our partners. We relied on them too
much for validation and support, and
when the relationships were over, we
both could not figure out another
way to obtain that support as easily.
So, instead of moving on, we decided
to stick together. In an article for
Independent, sex therapist Ammanda
Major’s rules for getting over a break
up lists reconnecting with yourself
as an important point for progress.
Major states, “In many relationships,
the primary focus is on ‘we’ instead of
‘me’ or ‘I’[...] Although it may sound
cliché, the end of a relationship offers
you the chance to reconnect with you.”
If you are ending a relationship with

 

someone and really feel the need to
stay friends, ensure that you are both
actively focusing on growing your own
identities.

In both of our stories, we did not
allow ourselves a healthy opportunity
to experience loss. We were right in
the faces of our exes as they cried
about the woes of our relationships.
How did we expect to handle our
losses if we hadn’t even properly lost
our relationships? “From seeing or
talking to the one you love every day
to having no contact, it can seem
impossibly daunting to imagine your
life without them,” says Major in the
article previously mentioned. It was
so daunting that neither of us could
muster up the courage to do it fora
long period, but as Major states, “[...]
it is important to come to terms with
this new reality and accept it before
you can move on.” Each relationship
is surely different, but we should all
realize the ramifications of not being
capable of independence and isolation
during the end of a relationship.

Illustration bv Cara Seccafien