Leonardo Dicaprio wins

Oscar, quickly loses it

> Actor simply can’t remember where he put award

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor

 

he stars were shining at

last week’s Oscars, but
the question on everyone’s
mind was whether or not
Leonardo DiCaprio would
finally obtain the award that
had eluded him for so long.
It appears that the stars did
indeed align in his favour,
and DiCaprio won Best Actor
for his role in The Revenant.
DiCaprio delivered a rousing
speech about his career, the
road it took to stand on that
stage, and praise for all those he
worked with on The Revenant.
Unfortunately for DiCaprio,
it was a mere half hour into
the night when he realized
he had misplaced his recently
won trophy. The events were
shut down, as actors and
actresses—dressed in their
best—got down on hands and
knees to find DiCaprio’s Oscar.
“You know, it’s always in the last

 

place you look!” stated Ryan
Reynolds, who was helping
himself to some appetizers
during the commotion.
DiCaprio was obviously going
through some emotional stress,
and though he tried to keep his
composure every time a camera
panned to his face, his skin
seemed tight and his eyes red.
“I can't believe he just lost
another Oscar...” Joy star Jennifer
Lawrence was heard saying.

After 15 minutes of searching,
chaos erupted as Brie Larson and

DiCaprio were found wrestling,
breaking many tables and chairs.
Evidently DiCaprio had “found
his Oscar” at Brie Larson’s table,
though Larson and all those at
her table were adamant that it
was actually the Best Actress
Oscar she had recently won.
After Samuel L. Jackson

calmed everything down

with a booming shout, it was
determined that it was in fact
the Best Actress Oscar after all.
It was at this point in the

night that DiCaprio visibly
cracked, sitting down at his
table and promising “] am
going to Departed whoever it
was that took my Oscar.”

There have been rumoured
reports that Matthew
McConaughey and Punk’d
mastermind Ashton Kutcher
were seen giggling and fleeing
the building, though that

has yet to be confirmed.

After a short cool down, DiCaprio
spoke to press about his plans
for the future: “It doesn’t matter.
I’m just going to have to win
another one. No, multiple.
Every year from now on I will
claim that prize, do you hear
me? I don’t care what it takes,

I braved the Canadian winter
for this movie, for the next I'll
toil through the desert. Literally
leave me on Mars. Whatever it
takes. I will have my Oscar.”
DiCaprio left the building
shortly after The Bear won the
Best Supporting Actor award
for his work in The Revenant.

FBI barred from Apple
campus backdoor

> Federal government simply can’t find

way into building

Jake Wray
Columnist

 

he Apple vs. FBI showdown
has entered a new round
after 250 heavily-armed
FBI agents stormed Apple’s
Cupertino campus on Monday.
One day prior, lawyers with
the U.S. Justice Department
successfully argued in court
that Apple needed to open its
doors to agents who required
assistance with counter-
terrorism cases, but Apple
refused the court order and
had employees lock all of the
doors on campus. The FBI sent
an armed response team to the
campus, but they have thus far
been unable to open any doors.
While the hundreds of
agents milled about on Apple’s
lawn scratching their heads,
FBI Director James Comey
told the Other Press it is
imperative to national security
that agents enter the campus.
“We don't know what
exactly we will find, but we
need to have the authority to
go in and take a look around,”
said Comey. “Every day that
Apple holds out, American
lives are directly at risk. If they
don’t want us coming in the
front doors, why don’t they
let us sneak in a backdoor?”
The Justice Department
also released a statement
condemning Apple’s actions.
“Tt is unfortunate that
Apple continues to resist the
department in obtaining
access to the facilities of the

company. A company that
designed and sold the phone
of one of the terrorists involved
in a major attack on U.S.
soil,’ the statement reads.
Apple CEO Tim Cook
released a scathing letter on
Apple’s website condemning
the actions of the Justice
Department and the FBI.
“While we believe the FBI’s
intentions are good, it would be
wrong for the government to
force us to open a backdoor into
our campus. And ultimately,
we fear that this demand would
undermine the very freedoms
and liberty our government is
meant to protect,” wrote Cook.
“Additionally, we fail to see
the relevance of this search.
There are a dozen other ways
the FBI could build cases
against terrorism suspects—
it’s convenient they chose a
method that also violates the
personal security of millions
of people across the globe.”
Presidential candidate
Donald Trump offered his
opinion in a rambling nine-
minute voicemail left on the
Other Press’ office line at 2 a.m.
“Who do they think they
are?” asked Trump, in reference
to Apple. “What they are doing
is weak and un-American.
When I am president, I will
build a wall around the campus
to keep America safe from those
privacy loving pinkos at Apple.”
At press time, FBI
engineers were huddled
around the backdoor of
Apple’s campus attempting to
pick the lock with Q-Tips.

 

Image via www. pickywallpapers.com

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